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Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

Linux one liners continued

Hash a partition with a progress indicator:
pv -aprt /dev/sdXX | md5sum

Copy a partition while computing its hash and showing a progress indicator:
pv -aprt /dev/sdXX | tee >(md5sum) > /dev/sdXX

Mount an NTFS/Windows 10 partition for Samba (SMB) access in Fedora (Selinux):
mount -o noatime,context=system_u:object_r:samba_share_t:s0 -t ntfs-3g /dev/sdXX /mnt/windows


Other forgotten things

For the 14th of February I ordered her a beautiful ring with a diamond. Since I didn't know her size I told the company to postpone shipping. For four days I kept asking her to visit any jewel shop and for four days she kept avoiding it. At the same time she kept repeating it was a wedding ring and she didn't want it and she wanted a neck chain. On the fifth day I gave up, called the company and cancelled the order. It was 8 days ago and they still haven't give the money back. Darn.

For the 23 of February she inteded to buy me something but that just didn't happen and I'm sure will not happen.

In the middle of past week she was exceptionally mean towards me (even asked for an apology via Ars since I put my phone into flight mode) and as an apology she did me a long good back massage.

She gave me a nice blow job on Friday because I wanted to have sex with her and she was on a period.

Over the course of the previous two weeks we had sex at least 5 times and every time she came spectacularly albeit with the help of the vibrator because I clearly don't turn her on any longer.

Over the course of the previous two weeks I couldn't fall asleep at all (!!) during three nights and one night I slept for 2 hours from 9am to 11am when she woke me up because she just couldn't let me sleep peacefully! And I always guard her sleep as much as I possible can - I close bedroom's door, I try to keep the noise to minimum. She just don't give a fuck when I'm sleeping.
Having not seen her since Friday, earlier today, after considerable consideration, while mentally melting down and seeing that she had hidden her last seen time in Telegram for at least the 6th time for the past two months, I decided I'd had enough and texted her, "I'm tired of hearing that I'm bad. You're ideal, I'm bad. [That's] enough. Good luck". She called me almost immediately. I first said this, "Recently I've got a feeling I'm not even a backup for you - you just have me to have safe sex". She replied, "Isn't that why you have me as well?" I lost myself and told her I wanted to have a family with her, I was ready to marry her, etc. etc. etc. She continued, "Why are you so obsessed with me? Are you insane? Why do you want a significant other so much?" I couldn't bear what I heard, so I hung up and turned on flight mode.

Two hours later after finishing with washing the entire floor in this apartment and wiping dust (which she last did ages ago) everywhere, I reluctantly disabled flight mode even though during the apartment cleaning process I was thinking of either disabling it a few days later or giving up on that cell phone number altogether. There was a text from her, "Call me back immediately". I did a little later.

We started discussing my possible employment at Google and then I basically started shouting at her, "Even if I take you abroad, even I get employed there, you will never change!!! You will keep on lying to me all the fucking time, you will keep having your life in secret, etc. etc. etc." I lost my temper completely. And that's true. No matter how good my life could become, she would never change. I'd rather be alone than with a woman I cannot trust. "For some reasons you've decided you're beautiful but this one feature is not enough to have a family!" I continued, "You want an alpha male as a husband but you won't be the only one who he fucks, you'll be among a dozen of his women!!" She replied that she was content with that. "Good luck with getting as many STDs as possible then!" I kept shouting at her. At some point she hung up on me because I started screaming.

Then she sent me two texts which I hadn't noticed. "Should I come in the morning [she's having a night shift tonight] or you want to have some good sleep?" And then a little later, "How should I treat your silence?". I called her half an hour later and I hung up without letting her pick up because she was at work. She called me back a little later and repeated the same question. I told her to come.

In the middle of the first and the second conversations I started updating my resume and before that I began cooking a buckwheat kasha and I totally forgot about it. Only when I smelled something was burning I realized I'd forgotten to shut the [natural] gas. The kasha was half burnt. I spent at least 15 minutes cleaning the pot for its bottom was black with the soot deposit. I didn't get rid of the entire kasha and I even ate a bit of it, but I guess tomorrow I'll get rid of it since it smells like something burnt and I guess it's just not safe to eat, having soaked all that smoke.

The previous two weeks have been fucking crazy. Nope, just the first week after she arrived.

She returned back from her parents on the 11th of Sunday. I arrived to her work place 20 minutes before her night shift began and started chatting with her in telegram. Simultaneously I asked Vladimir K wether she was working a night shift that day. He said she was. I was sly (not sure it's the right word since I just wanted to see her after ten days of torture) and asked whether she was indeed working that night. I was afraid she was again lying to me and offered her to come to me instead. She said she was working and she didn't want to change that.

I kept walking outside of her night club and I started freezing since it was at least -20C in the streets. Taxi cars kept arriving to the place and every time they did I hid myself because I knew she was about to come soon. An hour later I was so cold, I decided to go down to the club (it's in a basement). Three men were guarding the entrance in the basement. I asked what was the price of admission, and the answer was 1000 rubles. That was too much for me because it was just expensive and even if I decided to wait for her inside, I would have just 100 rubles left. I asked if I could wait for her in the entrance. One of the guards wasn't content with that and almost tried to force me out but I politely asked if there were any regulations against waiting in the entrance and when he said there was none, I stayed there.

Around 15 later she arrived. She didn't like seeing me inside at all and asked me out. "What have you been doing inside?!" she was beyond angry. "I just wanted to see you and after the past ten weeks I wasn't sure I'd ever see you again". "Let's go", she said. When we past the club yard, she said, "Let me see you off to the bus stop and then I'll go back". I didn't like the idea at all because the path was dark with barely anyone in the streets, so I'd endanger her if I let her see me off.

"Just go back and I'll go home", I replied. She wasn't content with my proposal either. "OK, let's go to my place and I'll pay you 2000 rubles for the lost shift". "Give me 5000!" "OK, deal". I was dumbfounded inside because I just couldn't believe her insolence. 5000 rubles for fucking what? For the fact that she would sleep instead of working?! Maria said, "Wait here while I go back to the club and ask my shift to be replaced with someone else".

Our walk to the bus stop was awful. She was angry at me. We missed our bus stop because she didn't want us to be seen there, so we walked to the next one. When we arrived I tried calling Uber but the driver never arrived and then came a bus which we got into. In the bus I let her sit, while I stood at a distance because of her mental state.

When we arrived to my bus stop we went straight to the nearest store which was closed. We went to the second closest where we bought a bottle of wine, a liter of "juice" and something else I don't remember now. What happened at home? Nothing really as I went to the PC and she stayed in the bedroom. When I decided to check on her she'd already drunk half the bottle. I confiscated the bottle and put in the freezer. Last two times when she drank a bottle of wine she vomited.

We started having sex and she came twice with the help of the vibrator. After the sex I noticed she was chatting with some Matt. Next morning she came three times.

On Wednesday evening we had a chat in Telegram and I asked whether she was thinking of dumping me. She calmly told me it was a fact. I freaked out. I started crying and cried for at least an hour. I contacted Ars and we spent 1,5 hours on the phone talking about how I could retain her. He offered two strategies which I later just layed out in front of her. The first one was being a pickuper (a guy who enchants women by slightly unfair methods) and the second one was being completely honest with her while giving her the reasons of staying with me. Then he arrived on his car and we drove to a sushi restaurant which was surprisingly close to her work place. For at least a quarter of an hour I had tears running on my face after we arrived there. Ars clearly saw me crying but didn't say a word about that. We kept discussing my strategy and Ars offered me to create a Tinder account which I did. I "liked" two dozens of women while we were there dining in the middle of the night but none of them had liked me back so it was a futile attempt at nothing.

In the meantime Maria wrote to me something in Telegram and I told her about Ars and me. She called me almost immediatily and asked me what we were doing. At the end of our stay Ars jokingly offered to pick us both and take us home and for some stupid reasons I relayed that proposal to Maria. She got angry and told she didn't need our help. Ars took me home and departed.

After the night shift Maria came and next afternoon we had sex again. I showed her all my cards, i.e. I told her everything Ars had told me earlier. I offered us to be frank with one another. I asked her about Matt who I'd noticed earlier. She told me it was a guy she liked a lot and was ready to fall in love with and she was about to go to another city just to have sex with him. I told her I wasn't content with that idea but if she insisted, I could come and watch them have sex. She didn't like my idea. "Let's have a threesome instead". I said I was OK with that as soon as she would find a third person. Of course, something inside me died, because it wasn't something I'd ever want. Anyways, she told me she wouldn't go to Matt. And that was it until today.

For the previous two weeks she didn't stay with me even once normally. All the four times she came were after her night shifts. All the other nights she stayed in her sister's rented apartment (Ars doubted that a lot - after all her sister and her sister's bf cannot have sex due to Maria's presence).

Broken apart

Yesterday Vladimir K came almost against my unwillingness to meet with him. I bought us three ciders, a loaf of bread and some sausage ("kolbasa"). He brought almost nothing. People are weird. We talked just for two hours and then around 1.30am he left citing his weariness. I couldn't stop talking about Maria which he didn't really like and then we discussed financial markets, shares and some other stuff. I drank one cider in under a minute, he drank the other two for more than an hour.

When he left I put two pieces of fish on a frying pan and let it cook. I don't remember when I went to bed, around 3am I guess, but I could fall asleep until ... 8.30am. At 8.00 I texted mom saying that I wouldn't come to them today. She replied at 9.30am, "Good boy for letting [me] know. It's nice that you've got work to do - it's alright. Hooray, you're alive, we walk and we see". All in caps without too many required spaces - he usual style. Another reason to feel shitty: I failed mom in every possible way. At thirty six I'm without a decent wife, without children, without moving abroad and taking her there, with quite a lot of health issues and I don't even visit mom regularly.

And then at 11:00am I was woken up by my neighbours who decided to vacuum clean their apartment. I tried hard to fall asleep for half an hour but I couldn't. I've barely slept for more than two hours last night.

I wanna cry and I feel like shit at the moment. She was last online in Telegram at 10:30am. I've just sent her a message, "Don't you want to stop by at mine today?"

I'm nervous as hell, I'm fucking tired of this 10days long shit. I'm scared she's dumped me again. When Vladimir was here yesterday she finally sent me her photo, albeit not as a file, so no EXIF tags to peruse. Then there was quite a stupid and very short chat I don't want to transcribe. In the photo she was apathetic and almost haughty. Fucking brilliant.

Three days ago I issued an ultimatum for her: either we marry ASAP or we walk away from each other forever. I'm going to proceed with it as soon as I see her again, of course, if we are still in relationships which I am doubting. I cannot take this any longer.

Tired of her games

I've been literally trembling for the past three days because I cannot understand what's going on. She barely speaks to me in Telegram (I mean chats): sometimes she takes up to an hour to respond, oftentimes she ignores a lot of my messages altogether, she promises to do something yet doesn't do that at all, e.g. yesterday or even the day before yesterday I asked her to send me a photo of her house as a JPEG file, so that I could check its EXIF tags and verify that she was actually there, but no, nothing, no photo has been sent.

I've already asked her four or maybe six times whether she's dumping me or not, and every time the answer was "no" but I do not believe anything she says any longer. Every time she behaves this way means that she's either lying or covering up something but I get fucked regardless. I'm so angry at her I've been thinking of spanking her buttocks if she comes to me on Monday which I'm really doubtful of.

It's all been extremely unnerving and dispiriting. Yesterday she hid her last online time in Telegram from me for the second time during past week and I was so mad, I called her 24 times during three hours. She never called me back until we started chatting in Telegram. Only after that she condescended to call me. What the fuck?! During a pretty stupid conversation which she didn't really enjoy, she asked what my plans were and I said I didn't have anything specific. She told me to email the guy from Google who'd offered me a position at Google three years ago and if I did, she'd call me later in the evening. In the evening I wrote to his google dot com address. Obviously she didn't call me again yesterday as if she doesn't give a flying fuck about me.

I woke up at 11:10am and found out she'd hid her online status again. I got mad again and wrote to her that if I don't see her last online time I will ignore all her messages completely. She tried to vindicate herself by saying she hid it from everyone but I just don't believe her. She reenabled it for me yet again.

After midday I realized there was something wrong with the guy from Google 'cause he usually replied almost immediately in the past, so I googled him and found out that he had changed his work place 1,5 years ago. What a bummer. I'll try to find his new email later if Maria doesn't actually dump me.

Yesterday in the evening mom called me and we talked for half an hour. When she called Sobchak "mine" I lost my temper and started talking quite angrily to her. Apparently only a person with serious problems would lose his temper over such an innocent figure of speech. I'm such a person. I don't want tomorrow, I only want Monday to see her again to understand whether it's all over or not. I bet 99% it's all over but we'll see. I'm almost sure she's been in Perm for the past several days but she's just making it look like she's still in her parents house at their village.

Two days ago when we spoke on the phone in the evening I heard that there was traffic nearby. I immediately realized she wasn't somewhere in the city. She tried hard to dissuade me by saying their village has a lot of traffic but it was 11pm and the village barely has more than 100 houses, so I just didn't believe her.

She told me she would return on Sunday and then go to her work for a night shift. I have a huge desire to go there around 9pm to check on her.

I've been checking her last online status in Telegram and Whatsapp (which I reinstalled earlier today just for this reason) for the past six hours. She's been offline since 1pm which is just wrong considering that she doesn't have much to do at her parents house. What the fuck is going on?!

I've eaten roughly 150 grams of bread for this entire day and nothing else. Fuck.

Insanity returned


I'm going crazy again: yesterday just before I fell asleep, I had a feeling that someone was walking in my apartment and came into my room. More like a ghost. A shadowy figure I couldn't see but I knew he or she was there. I was scared but I didn't get up. Then I fell asleep.

Maria has spent just one night with me during the past six days. She's again living with her sister. We haven't had sex since the 6th of January or maybe longer. I have a feeling she's dumped me again, she's just not telling me that.

A week or two ago she had yet another feat of hysteria. I don't remember much aside from the fact that it was her doing.

Father almost froze mom to death two days ago: just before going to sleep he opened a small window in the largest room in the dacha house (it's not his room). Before that mom had worked very hard to remove snow and only at 3am in the morning she woke up to realize she couldn't feel her body and there was a prickly sensation all over her body. She wasn't sure what was going on and then to her utter awe she discovered the opened window. Yesterday she went to the city and stayed there at least until today.

Then roughly a week ago mom set a meeting with grandma and grandma just didn't come to where mom told her to. Mom told her to come to a bus stop and grandma for some reasons, which she is unable to articulate, came to a spot which was 30 or 50 meters from the destination. Of course, mom couldn't see her there. And mom who weighs 45kg spent 40 (!) minutes in the open when the temperature was -27C. She then went home and met grandma on her way. Grandma finally went to the bus stop and then she refused to get on a bus to get to our apartment. Mom has felt awful for a week (with sore spots all over her body) and when she finally started to recover dad did what I just wrote. WTF.

I feel like shit. Can't shake a feeling that everything is wrong and bad. Wanna break into tears. My prostate gland is bad. My intestines are bad. My brain has hallucinations. Mom is barely alive. Maria infected me with God knows what and my penis gland reeks. And she has seemingly dumped me again and says nothing.