A note circa 2017: To whoever reads my diary: please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

2020-06-28 7:17pm: A note (consider it my last will) to this website employees: in case I stop updating this diary for a long time, i.e. more than six months, which would most likely indicate that I'm either dead or rapidly dying, please make all my previous posts public whether they were marked "Private" or for "Friends" only.

Flying home

I want to sleep for three hours and then I'll have three flights spanning almost 22 hours and overall I'm looking at over 25 hours on the road. Wish me luck.

I swam first for 1.5km today and then for 0.5km. The first swim took me an hour since I stopped at least a dozen times while swimming. God, I love swimming! I swam on my back, I swam with my face in the water, I let myself drown a little bit, so that I could stay afloat only with my nose above the water, on too many occasions I laid on my back and relaxed. That was beautiful. The water in the bay was murky but very calm which allowed me to do all of that without being afraid of drowning or swallowing sea water.

Yesterday I felt bad because I was going back to the city where I couldn't see her but where we had been together but today I am OK for no reasons. I still love her and want her back. Nothing can take this feeling from me. Not even her hubris, indifference and shenanigans. I just don't care. I could have hated or despised her for what she did and how she left me but why would I? Those emotions are only sucking energy out of you.

Here in Egypt I've seen a young pair from Belarus, a guy and a girl, both under 25, who'd lived together for over two years, who came here for just ten days and the girl left him for an Egyptian. That made me think that could have happened to Maria in the US a dozen times over. That can be happening to her right now after she left our hometown city where she had a boyfriend. I don't care.

Maybe I'll never make it home and what home? I've got no home without you. I love you.

Happy day

It's been my third happy day in Egypt so far. Why? I've got no clue, I just woke up and started smiling. In the meantime I've punctured my finger AND my toe with a rusty nail and scratched my right hand today and I don't really care.

And I swam 600 meters non stop which is the best so far in Egypt. I loved it. The sea was almost completely calm.

Some updates

I've not been too sleepy today but still I'm far from OK. The thought of going back to my hometown makes me feel horrible. I've decided to go and stay there for at most two months and then I'll decide where to go next - maybe I'll go back to Turkey because I just love living next to the sea.

I've now swum for the second day in a row but I really hate the hotel beach. It's dirty, there's a lot of trash, there's stuff to cut your feet, the water is muddy and it's much more salty than in my previous hotel. Also, I cannot go there any time I want because it's ~11km away from the hotel and I use the hotel shuttle bus to get there and its schedule is horrible. I go to the beach at 2:30pm, we arrive around 2:50pm, and then at 5:00pm we're taken back. I don't go in the morning (from 10am to 1pm) because it's the time when the Sun's radiation is the strongest and I don't want to burn my skin. I'm already tanned enough despite never lying under the Sun.

I'm already getting very sleepy, damn.

Not a loser

I've never felt like I was a loser. Despite my (some would say pathetic) salary and despite not being very smart I've managed to:

* Spent over $30,000 traveling, e.g. I've lived for a month in the US, I've now spent three months abroad without stealing anyone's money or selling my body
* I still have $8K in my bank account
* I have $4K in gold/platinum
* I have savings in crypto but I can't reveal how much since the company which owns this website belongs to a country with a peculiar judicial system

I've never borrowed from anyone.

This post sounds almost like an attempt to redeem myself and it is. I just want her back like crazy, damn. I will never let her go, I mean I have and I had to but my brain hasn't.


The day before yesterday I tortured Ars and Alena with a number of statements which I thought were questions but Ars said they weren't. After sending them to Alena I deleted them, but then resent them yesterday. She asked, "Have you sent anything?" "I have and then I changed my mind as I was too ashamed".

So, what I've been thinking about recently?

I don't know or understand anything.
What to do, what to live for and why.
I don't know why I need to talk to Oxana (my psychologist) and what to tell her.
I want to go back to my native city on the 17-18th of March, but why - I don't know.
I'm totally indifferent towards everything.
The antidepressant that I've been taking for almost three months now has had zero effect on me.
I'm ashamed of writing this to you.
I don't need myself.

After I mentioned Ars hadn't said anything he replied, "Come back here, you'll save money" (not really as going back will cost me at the very least $260 + $30 for a COVID PCR test). "You need professional help which you can get here. Also, you can be vaccinated and start seeing people. All in all, I feel for you, I hope you'll be alright".

In the evening, and I hadn't left the hotel until then, I chatted and then spoke to Alena. I felt like an asshole because Alena had had much bigger troubles than I had: two mouths to feed and raise, and I'm almost sure feeding isn't even the most expensive thing about upbringing them. She had been unemployed and had been looking for a new job which I said she would find regardless. Alena told me Maria had felt "free" and "happy" without me which I doubted quite a lot. As we were talking about her, tears starting running along my face and I started feeling horrible. Half an hour later I told her I had to hang up because I had no right to waste her valuable time she could have spent a lot better than talking to someone like me. After the conversation I did 20 pushups and then 10 more a few minutes later to exhaust myself as much as possible not to start crying like crazy. It seemingly helped or maybe the neurons responsible for grieving in my brain had become insensitive and and no longer fired as much as they did a few months prior. I tried to pry out of Alena how Maria had talked, and all the other little details but Alena glossed it over and didn't even quote a single message.

After I was done talking to Alena, I penned an email to Maria. Actually I started sending her messages in WhatsApp even though I perfectly saw I was still banned. It's easy to figure that out considering I couldn't see her profile picture and her last online time. I didn't like some of the messages that I'd sent so I deleted them for ... myself, just to make them look less beggarly. Then, out of the remaining messaged I penned an email which I didn't sent at first. I thought about whether to send it or not for five hours, I realized the email would indicate that she still owned me and that was horrible in terms of increasing my chances of ever getting her back but in the end I realized that it was unlikely it would spoil anything considering that she continued to blacklist me in WhatsApp, never talk to me, never reply to any of my messages. At 1:09am I finally hit the Send button.

Here's the mail in its entirety:


What do you think about playing Scrabble? What other interesting Internet games for two players do you know?

How are you? Who have you met? Have you started dating someone? What have you managed to accomplish? [I'd] be glad to get a voice message but [I] won't be able to reply - you know why.

[I'm] missing you like crazy, your tender voice, nice smile, gait and smell.

You're going to achieve everything.

(heart emoji) x 3.


In its Russian version there wasn't a single instance of the pronoun "I".

I manage to sleep well only every second day for some reasons. For instance yesterday some employee decided to turn on the music near the pool at 7:45am in the morning. I woke up around 8am while having the said music playing in my dream. I asked two employees not to turn it on until 10am and frankly today it's still quiet at 10:10am.

After the dinner I didn't stay to watch the show and instead went to Carrefour on foot which was an approximately eight kilometers walk. I bought a new bar of soap (as the previous one had expended), a toothbrush and a 56g chocolate bar. The toothbrush had turned to be utter crap as it had a very unnatural shape and I hated how it felt in my mouth.

The past week has been rather uneventful. I still haven't swam once in this new hotel. Two days ago I finally visited the nearest bay to check its beach. There was just one public spot/beach which cost 50 EGP to enter which was too fucking expensive for me. The thoughts of coming back to my city instantly make me feel horrible and prompt tears. I keep thinking about Maria all the time. I asked the guys at the reception to call Sharm International Hospital to inquire about a COVID vaccine however they had received none so far. I was told I need to go to Cairo to be vaccinated. I rejected the idea because it would involve either two nine times two bus trips to the city or two flights. The first option was too time consuming and exhausting, the second too expensive.

Olga from Ukraine left four days ago and the hotel has become almost lifeless. Yesterday I had a lunch all alone. Not a single visitor was in the restaurant.

I stopped listening to pop music around six years ago and probably that wasn't the best thing to do. Two days ago I heard a song from 2017 which I instantly fell in love with, Dua Lipa - Want to. I now want to listen to the entire album.


FML! I can't figure out whether I've actually sent the email to her or not. It's in the Sent folder of my K-9 mail app but I neither see it in Thunderbird, nor on the web.


If stupid Yandex support doesn't help me, I'll resend the message later today. It's not as if I'm losing anything by sending it twice.


I've got used to planes flying over but the fucking mosque wakes me up each morning at 5am. Fuckers.

Luxurious NOISE

This is how I'd describe the hotel I'm now in but let's start from yesterday.

I dragged on visiting all the possible cheap hotels I'd wanted to see for so long, however I only left my hotel at 9:15pm. Yeah, on the last evening of my stay. To be honest three days before I checked out I felt bad, so for the entire day I didn't go anywhere except to have breakfast, lunch and dinner.

An employee from Falcon Hills showed me around, the hotel looked decent, so I added "Decent" to its description in Google Maps. Then I went to visit the Sina Village hotel but as soon as I saw its entrance I decided not to get in - it looked horrible. I was quite far away from the road with public transport, yet a taxi stopped close to me by itself (taxi drivers in Sharm El Sheikh are really pushy and often beep horn at you or chase you) and after a few minutes of negotiating the driver agreed to 20 EGP to take me to the hotel I wanted to visit the last.

The hotel looked exceptional, it seemingly had lots of guests but only after I checked in next day, i.e. earlier today, I realized it was all a misunderstanding on my part. The show and the people who I saw yesterday weren't part of this hotel, they were at the entertainment complex the hotel is only a small part of. In reality there are just four rooms occupied by visitors as it opened just recently and it has no record in either me, a woman from Ukraine, an Arabic family and a couple from Ukraine. I was shown a room and I thought it looked amazing.

Now that I'm here in the hotel I kinda hate it and my decision to book it for 24 days (after tons of deliberations yesterday I wanted first to book it for 7 days and then go live in an apartment for the remainder of my stay):

* The walls are paper-thin and I can perfectly hear landing airplanes and a mosque which is located less than 250 meters away. The mosque is huge and has very loud speakers. I'm scared I won't be able to sleep well - in Turkey it took me two weeks to stop waking up each day at dawn because of the mosque close by and that mosque was tiny in comparison.
* No one to talk to. OK, I've already talked to Olga who'd lived in the hotel for four days but I can't call her an interesting interlocutor. She has nothing to talk about except her own life and this story will quickly run dry.
* The beach looked horrible. It had no corals, the water was muddy, there were no faucets to wash just your feet. Taking a shower to wash your feet is not what I'd love to do.
* The shower in the bathroom is fixed at the wall and it has the only mode.

After seeing the hotel where employees mistook me for a tour agent or journalist, I took a bus and went back to my district but before returning to my hotel I went to the Ragab Sons supermarket where I bought a bottle of water. Since they didn't have change they gave me a cookie.

And here I'd like to talk about something very weird which has been happening for the past two weeks. I've occasionally laughed out loud for at least ten seconds and that again happened when I left the supermarket. The fact that they gave me the cookie instead of an Egyptian pound again made me laugh hysterically. I noticed a decent man walking in the same direction as my hotel and I caught a glimpse of his surprise, so I caught up with him and asked him if he spoke English. "In fact I do" he answered. We walked and talked together for at least 15 minutes before he told me goodbye. He was British who'd lived in Sharm El Sheikh for at least five years. He was a musician, a music writer, a singer and many other things I now don't remember. His pronunciation was a music to my ears. We talked about the coronavirus, attitude to life, justice, relationships and many other things and agreed on pretty much everything, except he was spiritual and I didn't share that point of view. It's a sort of religion which says there's a spirit in the universe which made it possible for life to exist.

So the thing which has been scaring me recently is that I've started laughing out loudly in the streets like crazy whenever I think of or see something funny. I've never laughed like that before. After I left Michael I heard people laughing at a distance. I started laughing and laughed and laughed and two Egyptians who were riding bicycles, heard me laughing and started mimicking me and almost mocking at me. It's possible I've had so much stress over my breakup with Maria my brain is tearing at the seams and it's its coping mechanism as it doesn't understand how to stop stressing over it.

Ever since Alena talked to me and very briefly to Maria I haven't heard from her and I've expected news. I still love my girl and if you're reading this, please forgive me for using the "my" pronoun. You're not mine, you're not my property, I don't own you, I just simply have you very deep in my heart.

I've had a suspicion I've lost my smell today but probably I haven't. I hope it's not COVID-19.

I need to go to sleep right away (addendum: went to sleep an hour later).

Crazy day

I haven't been to the beach or swum for the past four days ever since the temperature fell. I don't want to strain my prostate gland even further than it already is. For the first two days it was so windy, I fell asleep to various sounds which the wind made. I wore my winter jacket not to freeze.

Yesterday I went to check two apartments from a Russian Sharm El-Sheikh realtor who I don't want to name but what's important is that both were quite bad. First I went the wrong way because I relied on my memory but I forgot to make a turn, so I walked an extra kilometer or two. When I arrived at the destination I met a woman who spoke a very decent English and who was actually from the Netherlands. She said she'd been renting for several years now and I asked her if she could give me leads in terms of renting something not very expensive. We exchanged our numbers and then I mounted the motorcycle the representative came on and we rode to the place where the apartments were. I wasn't satisfied with what I saw, so I just started walking around in the area trying to find people to talk to.

I met a beautiful Italian girl who said she paid 5500 EGP a month for rent, and I made her give me her number with the same request of providing leads. She wasn't really happy I was holding her up, so I let her go despite wanting to talk with her more.

The penultimate person who I met was a British woman who'd stayed in Sharm for 17 years already. We had a nice 10 minutes conversation and then she ran off with her dog. She said the area was once heavily populated with foreigners but after the last revolution most of them left and the district was inundated with native Egyptians.

The last two people who I met were women from Russia, one was married to a tall very handsome (I'm not gay but I could say it) Egyptian who looked a lot younger than her. I asked them about renting and they pointed me at some Egyptian who ran the rent business in the area. His English was exceptional for an Egyptian and it turned out he had lived in England for ten years, was married to four British women and had five children from them. He looked considerably older than me and later I found out that we were almost the same age.

First it was his two associates who showed me four apartments and the last one he showed himself. While we were talking and discussing the apartments and his fee (500 EGP) it had turned out that only the last apartment was available for a month and it would cost me 3500 EGP including the utility, so basically everything.

Over the past three days I've been thinking of what to do next and I'm kinda lost. In the morning today I considered going to India again but I checked out the ticket prices from this place to the country and my enthusiasm quickly subdued. I then checked how much it would cost to fly from Moscow to India and it was twice as cheap. In the end I thought to myself "Fuck it, gonna stay here for one more month then go back to my native city and then return to India".

While the medical tourism option was eliminated I haven't yet decided where to live for the next 28 days and it's tearing me apart. I'm tired of all the hotel visitors and at the same time I occasionally talk to them which brings me to life. Free access to the beach is really pleasant. Walking to the restaurant in the morning - also very nice. A large territory, amphitheater and being able to swim whenever I want are just great.

I've been thinking of approaching the hotel's HR manager in order to ask him for a simple job which wouldn't take a lot of time daily and in return to stay here (most likely in another very basic room since the one I'm using has two beds) for free but I've been shy and reluctant so far and time is running out fast. I've got less than 15 hours left.

When I came back to the hotel I'd clocked 12 kilometers and 160 minutes of active time. Crazy. After dinner I went to the amphitheater, danced on the scene for everyone's amusement (just five people), then continued to dance with a lot less effort at the top of the spectators' seats. When I got really tired I stood up in the corner looking at the pool for around ten minutes. The DJ refused to play the song I'd asked him for the third time (Planet Funk - Chase the Sun), though he was the only animator who really liked talking to me, so I got offended and returned to my room. He played mostly Russian dance hits none of which I knew or liked though I started to like one song after hearing it for the tenth time.

Half an hour later I returned to the bar/pool area to just see what was going on there and observe. I started talking to a local heart doctor when Alena from Moscow called me, so I excused myself and walked away. For the first two hours of our conversation I stood behind the building where visitors normally never walk and then went back to the room because I was simply exhausted. Alena called to admit she'd been devastated by having been fired despite working a hundred times better than any person who hold the position before her. Actually being fired wasn't what triggered her, made her lose herself and start crying. It was the fact that a week before her probationary period ended, she was stripped of all her credentials and access, so she wasn't even able to grab her own files from a work MacBook laptop. I told her I'd gone through the same shit and explained that most large companies had been this for over a decade to safeguard themselves from anything bad which disgruntled employees could do.

What did we talk about else? She got a boyfriend, a young guy who was her subordinate in the company and who she liked a lot but was afraid to trust. I advised her not to get pregnant right away since she was eager to give birth to a third child and instead wait for half a year and live with the guy to understand who he really was. Alena was a little bit drunk or maybe really drunk - I couldn't tell since I had no chance of seeing her.

We discussed religions (Christianity, Islam which she was a fan of, Buddhism and others), the problem of evil (which she as everyone else who I'd ever asked this question struggled to explain) premonitions and she claimed she'd had leading dreams which I strongly suggested to write down because it was the only way to actually verify the veracity of her words, sex and genitalia, evolution and then we naturally turn to discussing me and my unrequited love. Actually I first asked Alena what should I do in terms of fixing my health but she kinda didn't pay attention to that and said I should instead go work in Vietnam and then instead of getting healthcare in India get in more developed countries like Germany and Israel (which would cost at least ten times more).

I don't know why but Alena told me she could call Maria and talk to her and she did it. She didn't say what they'd talked about but told me about my grave mistakes and how I generally mistreated Maria in the first three years of us being together. I agreed I was very wrong with Maria and if I'd treated her differently, we could have still been together. Alena told me that was a closed chapter, I had to learn from it and move on and find a new mate but I'd been reluctant and said I would wait for Maria for as long as it would be necessary. Alena also mentioned I should have never asked Maria to have a child with me and added that having a child wasn't important for me but mostly important for my mom. I didn't disagree but thought to myself, "Hey, isn't it you who wants to have a ... third child from the third man?"

Overall we talked for over five and a half hours including a short break when she disconnected to call Maria. I was surprised Maria even started talking to her because I was sure Maria would instantly think something like this, "A has sent Alena to make me change my mind, fuck it!" No, I hadn't done that. In fact I had zero input in what Alena had told her and I don't know a single thing they had discussed. Alena added that she would talk to Maria again next morning but I really doubt she did.

During the conversation at one time I was ready to break into tears but I simply had no strength left for any emotions. I still want her back. Alena made it abundantly clear Maria wasn't coming back but I already knew that. I was happy the girl was alive, kicking and wanting to conquer the world and become financially independent. Kudos to her. I love her endlessly even if it costs me.

I couldn't fall asleep for at least fifteen minutes and finally disconnected from reality at around 3:45am despite a mosquito in the room. Something or someone woke me up at 8:00am, so today I've been feeling sleepy as hell. I wanted to go check another district for an apartment to rent and instead I'm writing down this post. For the past three days I've woken up to think about an apartment vs. hotels and I just cannot decide. Today I've found a new hotel with zero reviews anywhere and it costs 44K for 28 days. I'm inclined to book it for a week and then decide what to do next. I've simply left myself no time for researching.

Let's go eat and then I'll go for a walk. Wanna check at least one of the cheapest hotels around - maybe it's not entirely shitty.

I wanted Ars to pay me a salary four days ago when BTC cost $51K, now it's 57K, so I could have earned a little however on that day he was unresponsive for over six hours, I got offended and declined to accept anything when he finally replied. Now four days later I'm even more upset. I'm also upset he sleeps during the day and is awake at night. Damn.

This winter the weather in my native region has been extremely cold like never before. Right now it's fucking -23C which feels like -29C due to a strong wind.