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Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

Enough with drafts

The lazy fucker has become so fucking lazy that I don't have enough will to finish my posts and after quite a lot of time passes I don't even remember a single bit of what I was about to write down.


Two days ago I sold my last computer, not in its entirety but only the essentials: the motherboard, the CPU and the RAM. I got measly $130 which will only be enough to buy a new motherboard for my new Ryzen CPU. Over the past six months Google AdSense paid me $200 and then I also exchanged some of my earnings in rubles and got an extra $70, so overall my dollar bank account increased by $400. I want to by the Ryzen 7 3700X CPU and I'm still not sure 'cause I cannot justify paying an extra $130 for just two cores (3600 costs just $200).

Luckily I still have the PC my old friend Helene (a professor from a uni) gave to me five years ago and it still works, so now I'm working on it. It's exceptionally slow, has just 4 gigs of RAM and cannot even decode youtube videos without dropping frames.


Our life together has become a little bit more peaceful and nowadays she at least makes a salad every day and the mess made of her stuff has significantly subsided.

She's still evil and callous way too often. For just this "morning" (I woke up at 1:30pm after two sleepless nights during which she took my bed and I had to sleep on hers): she's made faces, she told me bad words and then when I was taking a shit in the toilet while she was having a bath, she laughed when she heard me taking a dump. What a nasty creature.


My memory issues have got out of control though I no longer bother to share them with anyone. A few days ago I forgot how to set the timer on the microwave oven. Really. I came up to it and instead of putting in the digits (e.g. 3 -> 0 -> 0 to set three minutes) I hit the quick cook button (which automatically starts the oven for one minute) three times.


Yesterday (after sleeping for less than 4 hours I guess) I was talking to a guy whose computers I manage and I was describing to him the issues of files fragmentation. I started the conversation with directories fragmentation then got to files and then forgot about directories fragmentation altogether and spent half a minute trying to recall what I was about.


Mom, dad, uncle, his son and grandma had a sort of farewell meeting last Friday or Saturday. I already don't remember when it happened. Grandma seemed to be able to walk again and look after herself which is a plus. As always it was primarily mom who was talking to my cousin who had finished MFTI/MIPT with honors. During the meeting mom also mentioned the fact that after my BD text where I told them I'd come in two weeks and never came, she actually completely shaved her head. Mom looked like her fluids had evaporated: your can see the veins on her arms and they looked like mounds on the ground.

After the meeting I offered cousin to go for a walk and he somewhat reluctantly agreed. We had an hour long conversation while walking through the nearest park to get to my apartment where he called a taxi and went home. I learned a lot about him and also told him about my life, my nihilism and what I was doing. I can't say he really enjoyed me. Next day mom called me and offered me to visit uncle and his son one last time before they left. I chatted with cousin in WhatsApp and asked him if I could come to them and he said he was actually sleeping, his dad was busy packing up and though he said I could come I understood he wasn't willing to see me again. I gave up.


Ars paid me almost 1.5 times as much as he usually pays me and I realized that only yesterday. OMG. I didn't even thank him properly. Too bad, like it has already happened numerous times (ten already?), I didn't cash out straight away when he paid and then Bitcoin shed 12% of its value, and now it's still minus 7% which makes cashing out highly undesirable.


Roughly two weeks ago we started having sex again. The first time I almost forced it. Wow. We'd already had it five times, though the last two times she didn't want to come and while I came during the first one, I didn't the fact that I was only fucking to get my own satisfaction so I pulled out without coming. I've had a strong burning sensation when taking a piss for the past five months and I don't know what to do. Our doctors can't even say which tests to take to identify it.


Maria wants to go to the country or to go camping but the weather has become absolute shit. It's been around 14C for the past week. Yeah, the last week of July. Today, the first of August, it's just 12C.Enough with drafts

Updates [draft]

No, my working memory hasn't really improved. A week ago when I was in a store I again left my bag in a locker only to forget about it on my way out. I put the tag in my pocket and of course that was enough not to remember the fact I'd left my stuff.

After three major altercations with Maria our life together has improved. It all started three or four week ago. I was sitting behind a computer in my room, she was doing something in the kitchen and suddenly she asked me, "Are you going out one in a while or not?" That was said with a decent amount of contempt and sarcasm which definitely set me on fire.

I started quite a long monologue about how she had lost any resemblance of being a decent person towards me and the apartment she lives in. I reminded her how she hadn't cleaned her room in over half a year, how she had her clothes lying on the floor everywhere, how she stopped cooking, etc. etc. etc. I ordered her to clean the freezer, the thing she hadn't done ever or she was free to go to her sister's and never come back. I'm not sure I was really serious about her not ever coming back but I was sick and tired of her "I don't give a fuck about anything related to you". I vividly remember how she had told me that she and her sister lived in a rented apartment and they actually made renovations in it. During this first altercation she ripped off a piece of wallpaper in the hallway and it looks ugly 'cause there's grey concrete underneath. I didn't actually make any demands at the time.

Our second huge altercation happened roughly a week ago or so. On her way home she wrote to me in Telegram that she was willing to go for a walk in the nearest park. I dressed up and went there. In the park she did the unthinkable. She opened her rucksack and brought sausage, bread and a salad made of Korean carrot. No, she didn't ask whether I was hungry. No, she didn't offer to buy something to cook it at home. Nothing like that happened. I was unpleasantly surprised but I kept my nerve. However later on we started talking about a healthy lifestyle and she started claiming all kind of unscientific shit, like e.g. that WHO says that you must walk at least 10 kilometers daily to stay healthy. I asked whether she could show this information on their website. Of course, she couldn't. And there were other equally outrageous claims - and that along with her eating shit instead of cooking something for us at home triggered me.

Our next an hour and a half in the park was crazy. I told her to get the fuck out of it, so that she could go anywhere she wanted to except going back to my apartment. She refused despite me almost carrying her. On several occasions I even pushed her. At some point we almost started fighting and I accidentally scraped her upper right eyelid with my nail. The scrape was bad enough there was a drop of blood. During our fight Ars called me and asked if I was willing to join him and our friend to go for a walk. I turned down his proposal but let Maria know about that, "I'm not in a mood of seeing them right now". We headed back home via the mall. When we got there I saw Ars and his friend walking towards us. I instantly starting running away and fled but not entirely. I actually swiftly walked around the adjacent area and got back from behind them, so that the three of them, Ars, his friend and Maria couldn't see me.

They stood for up to fifteen minutes discussing something. Then they went over to Ars car and drove somewhere. I went back home. When I returned I saw Ars car parked near the apartment house. I realized they decided to come to me. I slowly entered the entrance and saw them waiting for the elevator. I instantly exited. A few minutes later I quietly went up on foot several stories and heard them talking in the corridor (they hadn't yet gotten in the apartment). I went back to the streets.

Bad good music

There are so many amazing songs which are spoiled by the addition of dubstep tunes:

* Midsplit & A SHO - Sera
* Faux Tales - Atlas


OCD or a crazy gamer

For the past three weeks I had at the very least three bouts of intense crazy gaming. Twice it was Far Cry 4 which I finally walked through and both times I played for at the very least 12 hours non-stop. Yesterday I played CS:GO from 5pm to 6am, i.e. over 13 consecutive hours without eating anything at all.

My sleeping regime is again completely fucked up. I can go to bed around 2am or 5-8am. Yesterday after gaming in CS:GO I decided it wasn't enough so I watched a match in CS:GO as well and then read something on the net. I could have gone to bed at 5am and instead I feel asleep around 7am.

My coughing stopped a week ago and white flashes while coughing in the right eye as well. That's a relief. Alas, my crazy gaming sessions don't improve my health/immune system at all, so yesterday I started coughing again.

For two times during past ten days Maria has taken all my phones/laptops, etc. so I was forced to fall asleep around 1-2am. Actually I offered her 50 rubles each time she does that. Looks like it's not much of an incentive. :((( For the past 24 hours I've eaten two oranges and a little piece of chocolate. I wonder how I am still able to stay erect.


Last week, I babysat grandma. For that I had to wake up at 9:10am which was insanely unpleasant as I fell asleep around 5am. Everything was fine other than waking up without sleeping too much. Grandma refused to eat anything at all except before I left her at 6pm. I gave her a pill in the morning and one at the end.

When I arrived she decided she wanted to take a pee however she wasn't able to get on her bed after getting back from the loo. Being unable to stand up or walk, she crawled to the loo and back. I called mom and she told me I could leave grandma on the floor. Luckily there was a carpet, so she stayed there. I put three blankets on top of her and she fell asleep. Actually she was sleeping almost all the time I was with her.

There was so cold in the apartment around 11am I turned on the convection heater. It took at the very least four hours to get sufficiently warm, so that I stopped freezing.

When she woke up she decided to climb the bed again. Her attempts were futile because she could barely control her body. Her arms were OK, but legs were like a dead-weight. I showed her how she could that but she wasn't able to master my example - he legs were too weak. I felt like I needed to get her on the bed, so I left the apartment and started ringing her neighbors' apartments. There was no one at her storey and at the storey below there was just one woman. She told me to go to the first storey where there was a man available. He said he was unsure he would be able to help but he dressed up and together we easily lifted grandma and she finally was able to sleep in her bed.

For half an hour I left her to buy something to eat. I bought bread and yogurt (without sugar). Also I bought ham but I decided not to eat it.

Before leaving grandma I let her eat buckwheat kasha (around five spoons I guess) with herring. That was all cooked by mom a day prior.

It was all Wednesday last week. On Sunday Maria babysat grandma and unlike me she fed her a lot better. She even bought chicken and cooked/boiled it.


I've just deleted a few texts from Maria, "The caller tried to reach you N times". At the very least once a month I get so lonely or/and offended by her, I turn off my phone and force stop Telegram.



Yesterday when I got back from parents to my apartment house and decided to check my mailbox I realized I'd forgotten my ... apartment number. That was quite scary and I plunged into despair as I was standing near the mailboxes. I couldn't deduce whether the last digit was either eight or nine. After a minute or so, I painfully calculated that the digit must be nine. I've no idea why it happened. The day before yesterday I went to bed at around 5am in the morning and at around 10am heavy raindrops started pounding on the window of my room and woke me up. I hoped I would be able to fall asleep again but I just couldn't.

Yesterday brought the news of my only remaining grandma almost dying on Saturday last week. It turns out she lost consciousness that day and spent at the very least 12 hours lying on the floor in the pool of her own piss and faeces. In the evening my brother and mom arrived from the dacha to her apartment (out of the ordinary as they hadn't been able to reach her on the phone and suspected she was dead) and found her still being alive. They took her to the hospital and in just a few hours she was released. She slept in our apartment and next day, i.e. on Monday in the evening brother called me and asked me to help move grandma back to her apartment ASAP. I immediately called a taxi and also called my cousin, so that he helped us as well. My brother just couldn't be involved any longer since it was him who primarily lifted grandma and took her to the hospital and she's quite a heavy woman, almost 100kg. This job left him in quite a bad state as he damaged something in his body - either his knees or his back.

Mom was unpleasantly surprised I'd taken a taxi but we sorted it out. My cousin and his friend came 15 minutes after me and then the four of us drove to Grandma's on yet another taxi. It was mainly me who helped grandma slowly climb the ladder to the fourth floor. I put my hand underneath her right armpit and pushed her up all the way to her apartment. My cousin barely helped at all for no obvious reasons. Actually he said it wasn't convenient for him to help her.

My back slightly hurt for a while after that. Just when we left Grandma on her bed, mom arrived. The same day grandma shit herself and spoiled her entire bed. Brother took bed linen to out apartment to wash it in our washing machine.

Mom looked barely alive when I came to their apartment. She admitted she hadn't slept well the night before and her blood pressure was just 80/50 which is quite below the norm. While we all were there mom assigned different days of the week to us to babysit grandma. Two or three for her, one for me, one for my brother and two for my two cousins. Mom told me that grandma had been disappointed I hadn't visited her for almost half a year. Mom added that doctors had said grandma had some serious (motor?) issues with her brain, namely encephalopathy.

In the evening I called brother and told that Maria had agreed to look after grandma as well, so that would leave mom with just two days in a week.

Maria's return from her sister at 11:40pm was just crazy but I have to sleep. Instead of taking a taxi she came by bus and wrote to me in telegram to meet her when she already was halfway to our apartment house which means she had walked at the very least 400 meters along a barely lit street with no passerby whatsoever. I rushed to the lobby, swiftly dressed up and actually ran towards her. She was safe and I was in a fury.

No changes to my memory whatsoever

I hoped that 18 days spent in Turkey would improve my working memory but it didn't happen. Just an hour ago I opened VK to read some stupid jokes in some group, and I needed to reread most of them twice, thrice or even four times to keep them in my memory and truly appreciate the humor in them. Never had anything like that before in my life.

Yesterday I drank half a liter of Polish cider (StrongApple by Steiger, Slovakia) and it kicked me so hard, I almost collapsed sitting at the computer and then I had a delirium for two hours that I was trying to fall asleep. Even today I haven't felt quite myself.

Three days ago I stupidly installed CS:GO once again and spent 14 (!) straight hours playing it. I played till 10am in the morning. When I finally went to bed I was literally delirious for an hour or so. I can't even describe how I was feeling but it was something extremely bad: I was all achy, feeling cold and I had some strange visions. I slept for just 5 hours to normalize my sleeping regime only to go to bed at 2:40am next day, then failing to fall asleep for an hour, then playing on my smartphone for two hours and then finally falling asleep close to 6am in the morning.

Speaking of CS:GO and I've wanted to write it down for several months already. I've clocked over 950 hours in the game but the first 600 were stupidly casual in that I never tried to improve my aim or understanding of the game. A few months ago I started to improve quite a bit. For instance there was a round when I sniped down three and then unfortunately couldn't couldn't connect three shots in a row at the A bomb site because I was at default and two Ts were coming at me from the connector and I had to move around the boxes fast not to be killed. Of course I failed due to being nervous and too excited. Another interesting thing happened to me on Inferno. I was close the arch side, coming from the A and a T was coming at me from the middle. I only had a USP pistol and he had an AK. I made a 15 degrees turn to the right and headshot him with a single bullet (since he was already tagged by someone). The guy probably thought I was a cheater.

For my almost 1000 hours I haven't learned to spray using a single rifle, I still have an awful aim and non-existent crosshair placement. Maybe that's because my preferred weapon is an AWP which I'm mildly proficient with. Sometimes I play with pros (guys who've clocked more than 2500 hours and have various elite ranks) and I often snipe them down without any serious issues because they play predictably, e.g. they almost always crouch peek from behind the corners and this technique is quite easy to counter. Still I'm always astonished how they headshot me using a deagle from very long distances.


[DRAFT] Turkey 2019

This was probably the best and the worst trip in my entire life. The best because the hotel was excellent, its location was excellent, the meals were superb and there was nothing to complain about except cleaning but I wasn't concerned about that at all.

How did it all begin? Last fall I had an idea to move to Turkey for the entire winter but I was too hesitant, a tad afraid and maybe lazy to go through with the plan however it resurfaced in my mind around March. I tried to find a cheap enough apartment and even found one in Kemer for mere $175 a month but since the buyer didn't speak English or Russian at all my negotiations with him stalled I didn't proceed any further. From our last visit to Turkey I had contact data of a Turkish guide and I asked him whether he or his friends/relatives in Turkey were renting a flat. Soon he found me an apartment in Alanya for $250 but that wasn't the complete price since it didn't include the utilities and also I didn't intend to live in a big Turkish city with a lot of traffic, so I didn't took his offer. What's worse I've never replied to his messages even though he sent me a lot of information, including photos. Sometimes I behave like a complete scum.

Still I wanted to go a lot and in the middle of March I accidentally opened the website of a company I used to travel to Turkey in the past. They had some nice offers and for a week I so I contemplated between going for 25 days to a cheap 4 stars hotel or going for 18 days to an excellent 5 stars one. In the end I chose the latter. The reason I decided to go so early and out of the season was because the same trip would cost up to three times more later in the season.

I didn't have enough money for the trip, so I asked Ars to pay me in advance and I borrowed 35 thousands from my brother. I was still 56 thousand rubles short, so I sold bitcoins at the $4000 exchange rate. Today, when I'm writing this, bitcoin costs $5800, so if I had cashed out right now instead of a month ago, I would have netted 25K extra rubles. Fuck my life.

For the three days prior to our departure Maria kept staying with her sister and even on the day of it she came home around 10pm, just two hours before I had to call a taxi. Of course, she barely had enough time to pack her things and she probably didn't pack enough of what she really needed or wanted. Coincidentally we both forgot to take our caps and we both took our safety glasses.

When when arrived at the airport Maria discovered that she had lost her phone and that was after we had already passed to the departure area. She checked all her pockets and her backpack to no avail. I asked her where she last saw/used it and she said it was in the taxi. I called the driver and five minutes later he called me back saying he'd found it. I asked how much he'd take for bringing it to the airport and he said it would cost 300 rubles. We both agreed. Since the airport security refused to pass the money to the driver I had to leave the departure area to meet the driver at the entrance. In order to do that, my departure permit was cancelled and I had to pass all the security twice to get back.

One other detail of this whole little fuckup is that I didn't have a working phone since I took my SIM card but didn't want to insert it into my new OnePlus 6 because I don't want to associate this SIM with my phone IMEI number. So, in the departure zone I had to use the phone of one good passenger and close to the exit of the airport I found an employee who helped me out.

There's nothing to say about the flight and our transfer to the hotel. Everything was ordinary. Upon arrival to the hotel I asked the concierge to give us a room at the top floors (there were six) but she placed us on the third floor which I didn't really object to since the hotel was in a very calm and almost remote place, so pretty much any room could suffice.

... to be followed.


Back from Turkey

You would think that after returning from Turkey I would be refreshed, healthier and reinvigorated but it's almost the exact opposite.

The landing was horrible and it was probably the worst landing in my entire life because during it I lost half of my hearing as my ears got plugged. It was physically unpleasant as well.

Two days prior to our return I started noticing that I had multiple white spots in my eyes when I was coughing in the dark and closing my mouth to remain polite. It was 10 days ago and these symptoms haven't disappeared.

And also I'm coughing a lot specially when I lay in bed before falling asleep. Yesterday something got in my trachea while I was chewing something recklessly and swallowing it to fast. That caused such an insane bout of coughing I thought I would wake up my neighbors since it was close to 4am in the morning and everyone was obviously sleeping.

What else? Oh, ever since I returned I've had a blunt pain in my right eye.

I was so alarmed about these white dots I visited a paid ophthalmologist two days ago but the doctor had zero fucking clue what could be wrong with me. On the internet I've found at the very least eight possible health issues which could be causing my symptoms and none of them are mild or insignificant. Most of our doctors should get the fuck out of health care as they are absolutely unfit for the job of identifying and curing diseases.

The same day before the ophthalmologist I visited a state clinic to have an X-ray of my chest. The results were ready yesterday but I didn't go to check them since I was emotionally drained and feeling unwell to go to public places. I also managed to get to a otorhinolaryngologist since my right ear had started aching a few days earlier. The doctor prescribed antibiotics and asked to warm my right ear using any lamp and also drip the drops with warm alcohol. I bought the antibiotics but I've taken or done nothing so far.

Ever since I returned from Turkey I've gone to the food stores just once and it was yesterday night.


When it rains it pours

On Thursday last week I almost sprained my ankle or did something similar: me right foot slipped and I stepped on it with a larger force than it was necessary. I paid little attention to that until I got home and the right foot started aching. Maria rubbed some cream in and also bandaged it. I couldn't fall asleep in the bandage, so just before doing that I removed it.

The next three days I spent at home because it was a tad painful to step on it and also while standing up I felt electrical impulses tingling a spot of the skin on the right side of the foot. The tingling was quite unpleasant, so I let it heal.

Yesterday I went for a long walk in the park (close to 5 kilometers) and it was still not OK. Today, it's been probably the first day that I'm not afraid to step on it though I tried hard not to slide anywhere and always chose the most reliable patches on the ground to step on.

Mom, who hadn't called me for almost two months, called (via Dad's phone/Whatsapp) to ask how I was. I said I was getting better and it was nothing to worry about. Mom still advised me to go to the hospital to have my foot X-rayed. The conversation was brief and mom sounded like she was offended by something I'd done earlier. I asked her why she'd stop calling me and she said something like "We have no topics to discuss since you're so much smarter than me". I was dumbfounded. "But there are lots of things that you know a lot better than me, like music, art, medicine, etc". Still the conversation didn't flow at all and after less than six minutes we hung up on each other. Of course I lied that I was otherwise OK.

The second course of antibiotics that I've taking for the past eight days doesn't seem to help. The first was Doxycycline (in a form of Unidox Solutab), the second now is Moxifloxacin (Moflaxia). Instead of getting better I can now barely take a piss - I feel like the urethra is squeezed.

Today while eating almonds I broke one of my molars. Roughly a fifth of it chipped off and the remaining tooth is seriously scratching my tongue.

Maria wants to go to Egypt and stay in a five-star hotel. Fuck my life. She doesn't want to work and I don't have spare ~90K rubles for this shit. She has two fucking thousand rubles to alleviate the costs of the trip. She's either insane or just fucking with me. 2K are not enough for a single night in a hotel. It's gonna be enough only to cover a breakfast. Damn it.

At the end of the first course of antibiotics I got a thrush of my penis (candidiasis) and two days ago it started again. Fuck my life.

My working memory still absolutely sucks. I almost stopped paying attention to it but it hasn't improved a tiny bit. To be honest I've noticed another thing that's been happening to me for over a year only. It's as if I became slower, more stupid, and my brain doesn't work as it used to work. I almost gave up on syncing my HDD to my parents HDD. A month or two ago I stopped logging the money I give to Maria. Sometimes I skip on my weekly portion of medicalxpress news and now my browser has over a hundred of unread news pieces bookmarked in six portions (which means I skipped at least six weeks worth of medical news). I used to update LibreOffice immediately once a new release got announced and for the past five months I've just updated it once when I installed Fedora where I obviously needed something to open MS Word files. To be fair I recently updated from version 6.1.something to 6.2 something - no idea what prompted me to do that.

Ars intends to leave Russia for good in less than half a year. I do hope he will. This country is a shithole for two types of people: either very stupid ones, like me, or the ones who steal everything like our government. He also said it's for how long our business may survive with the money we have which might mean I'll become unemployed soon.

For the past two months we've had sex two times. Last time it was two weeks ago or something. Damn it.

A few months ago I promised I would write to my diary more often. Guess what I've broken this promise.