A note circa 2017: To whoever reads my diary: please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

2020-06-28 7:17pm: A note (consider it my last will) to this website employees: in case I stop updating this diary for a long time, i.e. more than six months, which would most likely indicate that I'm either dead or rapidly dying, please make all my previous posts public whether they were marked "Private" or for "Friends" only.

Not a loser

I've never felt like I was a loser. Despite my (some would say pathetic) salary and despite not being very smart I've managed to:

* Spent over $30,000 traveling, e.g. I've lived for a month in the US, I've now spent three months abroad without stealing anyone's money or selling my body
* I still have $8K in my bank account
* I have $4K in gold/platinum
* I have savings in crypto but I can't reveal how much since the company which owns this website belongs to a country with a peculiar judicial system

I've never borrowed from anyone.

This post sounds almost like an attempt to redeem myself and it is. I just want her back like crazy, damn. I will never let her go, I mean I have and I had to but my brain hasn't.


The day before yesterday I tortured Ars and Alena with a number of statements which I thought were questions but Ars said they weren't. After sending them to Alena I deleted them, but then resent them yesterday. She asked, "Have you sent anything?" "I have and then I changed my mind as I was too ashamed".

So, what I've been thinking about recently?

I don't know or understand anything.
What to do, what to live for and why.
I don't know why I need to talk to Oxana (my psychologist) and what to tell her.
I want to go back to my native city on the 17-18th of March, but why - I don't know.
I'm totally indifferent towards everything.
The antidepressant that I've been taking for almost three months now has had zero effect on me.
I'm ashamed of writing this to you.
I don't need myself.

After I mentioned Ars hadn't said anything he replied, "Come back here, you'll save money" (not really as going back will cost me at the very least $260 + $30 for a COVID PCR test). "You need professional help which you can get here. Also, you can be vaccinated and start seeing people. All in all, I feel for you, I hope you'll be alright".

In the evening, and I hadn't left the hotel until then, I chatted and then spoke to Alena. I felt like an asshole because Alena had had much bigger troubles than I had: two mouths to feed and raise, and I'm almost sure feeding isn't even the most expensive thing about upbringing them. She had been unemployed and had been looking for a new job which I said she would find regardless. Alena told me Maria had felt "free" and "happy" without me which I doubted quite a lot. As we were talking about her, tears starting running along my face and I started feeling horrible. Half an hour later I told her I had to hang up because I had no right to waste her valuable time she could have spent a lot better than talking to someone like me. After the conversation I did 20 pushups and then 10 more a few minutes later to exhaust myself as much as possible not to start crying like crazy. It seemingly helped or maybe the neurons responsible for grieving in my brain had become insensitive and and no longer fired as much as they did a few months prior. I tried to pry out of Alena how Maria had talked, and all the other little details but Alena glossed it over and didn't even quote a single message.

After I was done talking to Alena, I penned an email to Maria. Actually I started sending her messages in WhatsApp even though I perfectly saw I was still banned. It's easy to figure that out considering I couldn't see her profile picture and her last online time. I didn't like some of the messages that I'd sent so I deleted them for ... myself, just to make them look less beggarly. Then, out of the remaining messaged I penned an email which I didn't sent at first. I thought about whether to send it or not for five hours, I realized the email would indicate that she still owned me and that was horrible in terms of increasing my chances of ever getting her back but in the end I realized that it was unlikely it would spoil anything considering that she continued to blacklist me in WhatsApp, never talk to me, never reply to any of my messages. At 1:09am I finally hit the Send button.

Here's the mail in its entirety:


What do you think about playing Scrabble? What other interesting Internet games for two players do you know?

How are you? Who have you met? Have you started dating someone? What have you managed to accomplish? [I'd] be glad to get a voice message but [I] won't be able to reply - you know why.

[I'm] missing you like crazy, your tender voice, nice smile, gait and smell.

You're going to achieve everything.

(heart emoji) x 3.


In its Russian version there wasn't a single instance of the pronoun "I".

I manage to sleep well only every second day for some reasons. For instance yesterday some employee decided to turn on the music near the pool at 7:45am in the morning. I woke up around 8am while having the said music playing in my dream. I asked two employees not to turn it on until 10am and frankly today it's still quiet at 10:10am.

After the dinner I didn't stay to watch the show and instead went to Carrefour on foot which was an approximately eight kilometers walk. I bought a new bar of soap (as the previous one had expended), a toothbrush and a 56g chocolate bar. The toothbrush had turned to be utter crap as it had a very unnatural shape and I hated how it felt in my mouth.

The past week has been rather uneventful. I still haven't swam once in this new hotel. Two days ago I finally visited the nearest bay to check its beach. There was just one public spot/beach which cost 50 EGP to enter which was too fucking expensive for me. The thoughts of coming back to my city instantly make me feel horrible and prompt tears. I keep thinking about Maria all the time. I asked the guys at the reception to call Sharm International Hospital to inquire about a COVID vaccine however they had received none so far. I was told I need to go to Cairo to be vaccinated. I rejected the idea because it would involve either two nine times two bus trips to the city or two flights. The first option was too time consuming and exhausting, the second too expensive.

Olga from Ukraine left four days ago and the hotel has become almost lifeless. Yesterday I had a lunch all alone. Not a single visitor was in the restaurant.

I stopped listening to pop music around six years ago and probably that wasn't the best thing to do. Two days ago I heard a song from 2017 which I instantly fell in love with, Dua Lipa - Want to. I now want to listen to the entire album.


FML! I can't figure out whether I've actually sent the email to her or not. It's in the Sent folder of my K-9 mail app but I neither see it in Thunderbird, nor on the web.


If stupid Yandex support doesn't help me, I'll resend the message later today. It's not as if I'm losing anything by sending it twice.


I've got used to planes flying over but the fucking mosque wakes me up each morning at 5am. Fuckers.

Luxurious NOISE

This is how I'd describe the hotel I'm now in but let's start from yesterday.

I dragged on visiting all the possible cheap hotels I'd wanted to see for so long, however I only left my hotel at 9:15pm. Yeah, on the last evening of my stay. To be honest three days before I checked out I felt bad, so for the entire day I didn't go anywhere except to have breakfast, lunch and dinner.

An employee from Falcon Hills showed me around, the hotel looked decent, so I added "Decent" to its description in Google Maps. Then I went to visit the Sina Village hotel but as soon as I saw its entrance I decided not to get in - it looked horrible. I was quite far away from the road with public transport, yet a taxi stopped close to me by itself (taxi drivers in Sharm El Sheikh are really pushy and often beep horn at you or chase you) and after a few minutes of negotiating the driver agreed to 20 EGP to take me to the hotel I wanted to visit the last.

The hotel looked exceptional, it seemingly had lots of guests but only after I checked in next day, i.e. earlier today, I realized it was all a misunderstanding on my part. The show and the people who I saw yesterday weren't part of this hotel, they were at the entertainment complex the hotel is only a small part of. In reality there are just four rooms occupied by visitors as it opened just recently and it has no record in either me, a woman from Ukraine, an Arabic family and a couple from Ukraine. I was shown a room and I thought it looked amazing.

Now that I'm here in the hotel I kinda hate it and my decision to book it for 24 days (after tons of deliberations yesterday I wanted first to book it for 7 days and then go live in an apartment for the remainder of my stay):

* The walls are paper-thin and I can perfectly hear landing airplanes and a mosque which is located less than 250 meters away. The mosque is huge and has very loud speakers. I'm scared I won't be able to sleep well - in Turkey it took me two weeks to stop waking up each day at dawn because of the mosque close by and that mosque was tiny in comparison.
* No one to talk to. OK, I've already talked to Olga who'd lived in the hotel for four days but I can't call her an interesting interlocutor. She has nothing to talk about except her own life and this story will quickly run dry.
* The beach looked horrible. It had no corals, the water was muddy, there were no faucets to wash just your feet. Taking a shower to wash your feet is not what I'd love to do.
* The shower in the bathroom is fixed at the wall and it has the only mode.

After seeing the hotel where employees mistook me for a tour agent or journalist, I took a bus and went back to my district but before returning to my hotel I went to the Ragab Sons supermarket where I bought a bottle of water. Since they didn't have change they gave me a cookie.

And here I'd like to talk about something very weird which has been happening for the past two weeks. I've occasionally laughed out loud for at least ten seconds and that again happened when I left the supermarket. The fact that they gave me the cookie instead of an Egyptian pound again made me laugh hysterically. I noticed a decent man walking in the same direction as my hotel and I caught a glimpse of his surprise, so I caught up with him and asked him if he spoke English. "In fact I do" he answered. We walked and talked together for at least 15 minutes before he told me goodbye. He was British who'd lived in Sharm El Sheikh for at least five years. He was a musician, a music writer, a singer and many other things I now don't remember. His pronunciation was a music to my ears. We talked about the coronavirus, attitude to life, justice, relationships and many other things and agreed on pretty much everything, except he was spiritual and I didn't share that point of view. It's a sort of religion which says there's a spirit in the universe which made it possible for life to exist.

So the thing which has been scaring me recently is that I've started laughing out loudly in the streets like crazy whenever I think of or see something funny. I've never laughed like that before. After I left Michael I heard people laughing at a distance. I started laughing and laughed and laughed and two Egyptians who were riding bicycles, heard me laughing and started mimicking me and almost mocking at me. It's possible I've had so much stress over my breakup with Maria my brain is tearing at the seams and it's its coping mechanism as it doesn't understand how to stop stressing over it.

Ever since Alena talked to me and very briefly to Maria I haven't heard from her and I've expected news. I still love my girl and if you're reading this, please forgive me for using the "my" pronoun. You're not mine, you're not my property, I don't own you, I just simply have you very deep in my heart.

I've had a suspicion I've lost my smell today but probably I haven't. I hope it's not COVID-19.

I need to go to sleep right away (addendum: went to sleep an hour later).

Crazy day

I haven't been to the beach or swum for the past four days ever since the temperature fell. I don't want to strain my prostate gland even further than it already is. For the first two days it was so windy, I fell asleep to various sounds which the wind made. I wore my winter jacket not to freeze.

Yesterday I went to check two apartments from a Russian Sharm El-Sheikh realtor who I don't want to name but what's important is that both were quite bad. First I went the wrong way because I relied on my memory but I forgot to make a turn, so I walked an extra kilometer or two. When I arrived at the destination I met a woman who spoke a very decent English and who was actually from the Netherlands. She said she'd been renting for several years now and I asked her if she could give me leads in terms of renting something not very expensive. We exchanged our numbers and then I mounted the motorcycle the representative came on and we rode to the place where the apartments were. I wasn't satisfied with what I saw, so I just started walking around in the area trying to find people to talk to.

I met a beautiful Italian girl who said she paid 5500 EGP a month for rent, and I made her give me her number with the same request of providing leads. She wasn't really happy I was holding her up, so I let her go despite wanting to talk with her more.

The penultimate person who I met was a British woman who'd stayed in Sharm for 17 years already. We had a nice 10 minutes conversation and then she ran off with her dog. She said the area was once heavily populated with foreigners but after the last revolution most of them left and the district was inundated with native Egyptians.

The last two people who I met were women from Russia, one was married to a tall very handsome (I'm not gay but I could say it) Egyptian who looked a lot younger than her. I asked them about renting and they pointed me at some Egyptian who ran the rent business in the area. His English was exceptional for an Egyptian and it turned out he had lived in England for ten years, was married to four British women and had five children from them. He looked considerably older than me and later I found out that we were almost the same age.

First it was his two associates who showed me four apartments and the last one he showed himself. While we were talking and discussing the apartments and his fee (500 EGP) it had turned out that only the last apartment was available for a month and it would cost me 3500 EGP including the utility, so basically everything.

Over the past three days I've been thinking of what to do next and I'm kinda lost. In the morning today I considered going to India again but I checked out the ticket prices from this place to the country and my enthusiasm quickly subdued. I then checked how much it would cost to fly from Moscow to India and it was twice as cheap. In the end I thought to myself "Fuck it, gonna stay here for one more month then go back to my native city and then return to India".

While the medical tourism option was eliminated I haven't yet decided where to live for the next 28 days and it's tearing me apart. I'm tired of all the hotel visitors and at the same time I occasionally talk to them which brings me to life. Free access to the beach is really pleasant. Walking to the restaurant in the morning - also very nice. A large territory, amphitheater and being able to swim whenever I want are just great.

I've been thinking of approaching the hotel's HR manager in order to ask him for a simple job which wouldn't take a lot of time daily and in return to stay here (most likely in another very basic room since the one I'm using has two beds) for free but I've been shy and reluctant so far and time is running out fast. I've got less than 15 hours left.

When I came back to the hotel I'd clocked 12 kilometers and 160 minutes of active time. Crazy. After dinner I went to the amphitheater, danced on the scene for everyone's amusement (just five people), then continued to dance with a lot less effort at the top of the spectators' seats. When I got really tired I stood up in the corner looking at the pool for around ten minutes. The DJ refused to play the song I'd asked him for the third time (Planet Funk - Chase the Sun), though he was the only animator who really liked talking to me, so I got offended and returned to my room. He played mostly Russian dance hits none of which I knew or liked though I started to like one song after hearing it for the tenth time.

Half an hour later I returned to the bar/pool area to just see what was going on there and observe. I started talking to a local heart doctor when Alena from Moscow called me, so I excused myself and walked away. For the first two hours of our conversation I stood behind the building where visitors normally never walk and then went back to the room because I was simply exhausted. Alena called to admit she'd been devastated by having been fired despite working a hundred times better than any person who hold the position before her. Actually being fired wasn't what triggered her, made her lose herself and start crying. It was the fact that a week before her probationary period ended, she was stripped of all her credentials and access, so she wasn't even able to grab her own files from a work MacBook laptop. I told her I'd gone through the same shit and explained that most large companies had been this for over a decade to safeguard themselves from anything bad which disgruntled employees could do.

What did we talk about else? She got a boyfriend, a young guy who was her subordinate in the company and who she liked a lot but was afraid to trust. I advised her not to get pregnant right away since she was eager to give birth to a third child and instead wait for half a year and live with the guy to understand who he really was. Alena was a little bit drunk or maybe really drunk - I couldn't tell since I had no chance of seeing her.

We discussed religions (Christianity, Islam which she was a fan of, Buddhism and others), the problem of evil (which she as everyone else who I'd ever asked this question struggled to explain) premonitions and she claimed she'd had leading dreams which I strongly suggested to write down because it was the only way to actually verify the veracity of her words, sex and genitalia, evolution and then we naturally turn to discussing me and my unrequited love. Actually I first asked Alena what should I do in terms of fixing my health but she kinda didn't pay attention to that and said I should instead go work in Vietnam and then instead of getting healthcare in India get in more developed countries like Germany and Israel (which would cost at least ten times more).

I don't know why but Alena told me she could call Maria and talk to her and she did it. She didn't say what they'd talked about but told me about my grave mistakes and how I generally mistreated Maria in the first three years of us being together. I agreed I was very wrong with Maria and if I'd treated her differently, we could have still been together. Alena told me that was a closed chapter, I had to learn from it and move on and find a new mate but I'd been reluctant and said I would wait for Maria for as long as it would be necessary. Alena also mentioned I should have never asked Maria to have a child with me and added that having a child wasn't important for me but mostly important for my mom. I didn't disagree but thought to myself, "Hey, isn't it you who wants to have a ... third child from the third man?"

Overall we talked for over five and a half hours including a short break when she disconnected to call Maria. I was surprised Maria even started talking to her because I was sure Maria would instantly think something like this, "A has sent Alena to make me change my mind, fuck it!" No, I hadn't done that. In fact I had zero input in what Alena had told her and I don't know a single thing they had discussed. Alena added that she would talk to Maria again next morning but I really doubt she did.

During the conversation at one time I was ready to break into tears but I simply had no strength left for any emotions. I still want her back. Alena made it abundantly clear Maria wasn't coming back but I already knew that. I was happy the girl was alive, kicking and wanting to conquer the world and become financially independent. Kudos to her. I love her endlessly even if it costs me.

I couldn't fall asleep for at least fifteen minutes and finally disconnected from reality at around 3:45am despite a mosquito in the room. Something or someone woke me up at 8:00am, so today I've been feeling sleepy as hell. I wanted to go check another district for an apartment to rent and instead I'm writing down this post. For the past three days I've woken up to think about an apartment vs. hotels and I just cannot decide. Today I've found a new hotel with zero reviews anywhere and it costs 44K for 28 days. I'm inclined to book it for a week and then decide what to do next. I've simply left myself no time for researching.

Let's go eat and then I'll go for a walk. Wanna check at least one of the cheapest hotels around - maybe it's not entirely shitty.

I wanted Ars to pay me a salary four days ago when BTC cost $51K, now it's 57K, so I could have earned a little however on that day he was unresponsive for over six hours, I got offended and declined to accept anything when he finally replied. Now four days later I'm even more upset. I'm also upset he sleeps during the day and is awake at night. Damn.

This winter the weather in my native region has been extremely cold like never before. Right now it's fucking -23C which feels like -29C due to a strong wind.


I've been unable to swim today because it was forbidden due to a strong wind. The waves were absolutely fine to me but the pontoon ascended and descended quite significantly.

After lunch I went to my room because going to the beach made no sense and after sitting at my laptop for half an hour I felt so sleepy, I just put the laptop on the floor and passed out. I do not remember the last time I napped in the middle of the day - in fact I don't remember it ever happening to me. I slept for 1.5 hours and woke up still feeling sleepy.

While staying in Egypt I've had two matches in Tinder. I never met the first girl from Penza and probably it's for the best since she insulted me in our last conversation, and I have yet to meet the second one who lives in Egypt. A few days ago I encountered Maria, 26 and I thought it was my love though let's be honest: it's just a coincidence. There's no way on Earth Maria is in Hurgada.

Tinder shows me people from Cairo and all over the world since there's basically no one in Sharm El Sheikh, and I've met this interesting girl who's probably got burnt just like me. She had no pictures but she had this quote: "You don't know pain until you gotta force your heart to stop loving someone". Yeah, I concur.

I've been thinking about renting an apartment in Egypt or staying in a cheap hotel for quite some time now and I'm slowly inclining towards the second option for the following reasons: 1) most important one: it's absolutely gonna be cheaper. 2) I'll have some guaranteed access to the beach albeit for a few hours daily at most. 3) I'm not sure I will really be cooking anything for myself and as limited as 3-star hotel halfboard meals will be, they will still be better than what I'm going to cook for myself. A lazy fucker :-)

Maria is alive :-) What she'll never understand about me is how someone can enjoy loving someone else who doesn't love you back. I love her. Fuck everything.

Yesterday before going to sleep at around 1:40am I cried for a few minutes.

A couple of happy days

I've had three happy days in this hotel so far, the last two ones were down to me swimming enough and playing volleyball and just enjoying the stay.

Two days ago I ventured outside of the hotel to find out where I could rent an apartment. I talked to three native Arabs which I didn't really enjoy because they all love to be in your face: while being very close and talking distinctly aloud. Of course that was an excellent opportunity to contract the coronavirus but later I realized that all the guys were street sellers, so it was very likely they'd long been infected and healed anyways, so they posed little threat to me.

The last person I talked to near McDonald's (where I came to watch some CSGO for free and never did) was a realtor woman in her 30s, named Zoya, with a boy whose name was Amir. She'd lived in Egypt for over eight years and enjoyed the country. She had no options for me (since I told her I needed a place for less than $200 for a month) but she told me to contact another woman who works in the region. We talked for half an hour and then I saw the two of them off to the nearest bus stop and went to buy fresh dates in the nearest supermarket.

I'm still hesitant about renting an apartment. When I was in Turkey I spent close to 10K rubles eating crap daily, so if you sum it all up, I payed close to 25K for a shitty apartment and shitty food. Food in Egypt costs approximately the same while some items are more expensive since Sharm El Sheikh is not a place where you can grow anything at all since the entire place is basically a desert made of sand and rocks with no fresh water.

Over the past seven days on two occasions I've slept very little. The first time two days ago it was because I felt very lonely and longing for Maria, so I couldn't fall asleep until 1:30am and woke up at 7:45am or something. Yesterday I woke up feeling like I didn't want to talk to anyone at all 'cause I was tired of fake conversations with people who didn't give a flying fuck about you. Still, in the evening I let my guard down and starting talking to a drunk old Ukrainian (probably in his 50s or something) who was polite at first, then he turned sarcastic and in the end he just started insulting me. I stood up, said, "All the best" and walked away. It was all near the bar. I returned to the bar a few minutes later and stood in a distance. The reason I even landed in the bar which I didn't enjoy at all was a girl named Lisa who had turned out to be a rhythmic gymnast and who won a miss hotel title two days earlier. She was with her boyfriend and was too young to me anyways, not to mention she was from Ukraine but what I really wanted to see from her was a special figure I always enjoyed but she refused to perform it and then requested to be paid for it. For some reasons an argument ensued and it ended in nothing.

Lisa and the three guys around her left and I switched to three other Ukrainians (two girls and a guy) who for some reasons loved Russia more than they loved Ukraine. They poured me a little of Bourbon whiskey which I'd never drunk before and to be honest I didn't like it at all. Maybe I'm a primitive person but so far I've only liked cider, dry white wine, and classic Baileys (which I love to drink in very small portions, less than 30ml at once). One of the girls told me she'd been dating the guy for over 8 years and they'd split at least ten times already but she still always returned to him. She implied there was a high chance Maria would come back to me. I want to hope so only I'm 99.99999% sure that won't ever happen, "You're no longer interesting to me". If only I knew what it means. Sigh.

The animation team has invited me to visit discos at least two dozens times already and I always decline for two reasons: there no slow dances here (and even if they were, I'd be afraid to invite anyone) and I'm alone. The more realistic reasons are however: I don't want to pay that much (it's just $10 or $15 anyways), I don't want to go to bed late (to be honest I've gone to bed very late on at least three occasions already), and lastly I have no good footwear. Dancing in sneakers when the air temperature is around 22C? No, thanks.

The weather over the past three days has been excellent yet two days ago I got a sunburn after breakfast and didn't go to the beach after lunch because I felt dizzy and had a slight headache, and yesterday I didn't leave my room until lunch but luckily afterwards I swam three times despite the sea not being calm at all and played volleyball until the sand became too cold to my liking.

So, let's get back to my next 30 days. I'm still hesitant about renting an apartment because I can book a 3-stars hotel with breakfasts and dinners for around $250. It sounds just too exciting. And probably eating a lot less that now would be better for me since my stool in this hotel has been watery and I'm tired of that.

I've been wanting to talk to my co-worker who'd been living in India for the past 12 months or so, but it's now been three days that she can't or doesn't want to find a spot with a good cellular coverage.

The winter in my home city has been one of the harshest and coldest over the past 20 years for some reasons but luckily I'm not there. The prospect of going back makes me want to break into tears immediately.

I don't know what to do with my life. I have enough savings in Bitcoins to buy an apartment in Moscow or two apartments in Turkey or Egypt but I'm just afraid of doing any of these. I'm still waiting for her. Damn. If only she called me and told me, "A., I want to get back to you, let's have our own place".

Most people in the hotel do snorkeling daily (many go diving as well) and I haven't done it even once despite staying here for longer than anyone else, what a cheapskate. If only they rented the masks to do it - I don't want to buy anything and bring it back anywhere - that sounds stupid as fuck. What other joys have I been missing on? Driving quadracycles in the desert, visiting the great pyramids, probably something else.

Yesterday I went to dinner at exactly 7pm, I was finally able to grab some sweets and ate them with a great pleasure. Then I stood outside the restaurant for an hour, returned and ate the normal stuff.

I want her back like crazy.

Two weeks remaining

Three days ago I visited the local Ragab Sons supermarket and bought soaked (or fresh - no idea) dates for the second time. They are so tasty I can eat a kilogram at once but I don't because I don't want to get diabetes. The first time I went there I bought them along with grey bread, cheese and a chocolate bar ("dark" chocolate from Greece which contained close to 50% of carbohydrates/sugar which far from dark). The cheese in this hotel is very strange (most likely some cheap shit with palm oil), so I bought Maasdam which is real. I take it to the restaurant in the morning and eat it with buns.

Yesterday I bought a new SIM card for another cellular company because the first one had run out of traffic and I couldn't replenish it because it rejected my debit card. This one supposedly features twice as much traffic for the same price (205 pounds or $13). I first stayed near local McDonald's in order to use their free Wi-Fi for three hours where I transferred 2000 rubles from my bank account to the card and watched YouTube/CS, then I bought the SIM card. My last destination was the nearest drug-store and bought two medications: the antidepressant (which costs just $9 vs. $29.5 in Russia) and an Egyptian analogue of Mezym called Spasmodigestin. My stool hasn't changed at all (I took a tablet before lunch and dinner yesterday) - let's see if it changes tomorrow. Maybe I should try a larger dose.

There are four dumb cunts ("ТП" in Russian) in this hotel. I was surprised to see them because this hotel is the cheapest hotel around (4-stars which to me looks more like 2.5-stars) which has its own beach. Only one of the women is even remotely beautiful, they are all smoking, grimacing and overall unpleasant.

A week ago an allergy developed on my right wrist right under the plastic bracelet. I want to remove the bracelet but I don't understand what to do because I cannot stay in this hotel without it. What a bummer. This has never happened to me before.

Today I've briefly viewed my last photos with Maria, including the ones where she's naked. I have at least three dozen of them. God, she's so lovely. Haven't done that for the past few months. I want her back so much. Damn.


I have absolutely no idea what to do after my stay in this hotel ends. There are some options and I don't like any of them:
* Book another hotel for two weeks, and then fly back to my native city
* Find a cheap apartment to stay here for an extra month, and then go home
* Fly to Istanbul, drive to the nearest not-so-big city, rent an apartment for a month and then go home
* Fly to India to check my health and probably fix some issues (the prostate gland, the intestines, the brain and an infection in my urogenital zone) and then go home
* Just commit suicide by drowning - this one is extremely enticing

I exist only by waiting for her. This is so fucking stupid - for Maria I don't exist.

Hello darkness, my old friend

It's got cold here. I woke up to +17C outside and the skies filled with clouds.

Yesterday I just didn't want to go to sleep. After returning from the show that I'd already seen because I'd stayed in the hotel for more than a week already and shows repeat weekly. I again felt extremely lonely. The number of lone people in this hotel is extremely low - most come either with their families, or significant others or at the very least friends.

Around midnight tears started running out of my eyes profusely and it continued so for close to an hour non-stop. I couldn't shake the feeling it was all for naught. I didn't know what to do next. Should I stay in Egypt? I was sure as hell I didn't want to return to my home city. Staying here is not cheap at all. Return to Turkey and live there for one more month? I'm completely lost. I'm killing time waiting for her to return.


I've just noticed that the two bad spots on the skin of my fingers have almost entirely healed. I couldn't do anything to them for over 15 years - nothing helped. Wow. Is it because of staying close to the sea? Is it humidity? Is it swimming? That's unbelievable.


I finally let myself rest around 1:25am only to wake up at 7:30am. Maria came in my dreams. We met in my parents apartment, I cannot quite remember whether we talked or not but I'm sure as hell I tried to persuade her to stay with me. She was naked or wore barely anything, then she dressed up and left me abruptly. Shortly after father returned and I couldn't recognize his face - he looked familiar but different. "Have you seen Maria?" - I asked. "No, I haven't". I lost her even in my dreams. The dream and tears were prompted by the memories of our USA trip - for some reasons something pushed them into my consciousness. The only thing I'd done about her recently was checking her VK status yesterday and that was the first time I'd checked on her for the past two weeks.

As for not recognizing my own father. Yesterday on the beach I talked to a beautiful girl and 2-3 hours I saw her again but I ... didn't realize we'd already talked. Fuck my life. Then my memory issues continue: during the past week I've forgotten the word "hotel" and the name of the airline which I took to get here from Turkey: Pegasus Airlines. I recalled both words but it took me a lot of effort and quite some time.


Yesterday I couldn't turn on the air conditioner in this room, and it's still broken this morning. Fuck. Looks like I'll have to change my room again. I don't want to give them $10 to get a room I really want - what a fucking cheapskate. I've spent over 70K rubles so far traveling for two months between Turkey and Egypt and I refuse to pay measly $15 at the reception to get a better option where the Sun won't heat up my room during the day to exorbitant temperatures and where the windows don't face the pool and the bar nearby where people "have fun" until 11:30pm.

Yesterday I started coughing lightly - perhaps I played volleyball in the evening too much. The Sun had already set and the sand was too cold to my liking but there was just six people playing and I felt like leaving them would be a bad thing. Secondly, when I swam after the breakfast it was extremely windy, though the sea was very warm. For the first time in this hotel I swam as much as I wanted - until the end of this hotel (sea) territory and back which makes it measly 300 meters. When I got out of the sea I froze though thanks to the shining Sun I warmed up even without drying myself with the beach towel.


Ars insists that I continue conversations with my shrink. I don't want to - it all looks absolutely meaningless. Our last conversation just sucked, "A., try enjoying new stuff". Really? Didn't you diagnosed me with major depressive disorder? I do NOT fucking enjoy anything. I'm scared of the future. I want her back.

When I woke up I wanted to send Maria another email though I'm sure as hell she won't read it anyways. What would it be about? Damn, I've already forgotten. Well, yesterday I reread our final conversation in WhatsApp where she wrote, "A., you're no longer interesting to me". I've been thinking about this sentence a LOT.

What's "interest", Maria? I'm sorry that's bullshit. The person you want to start a family with shouldn't be necessarily "interesting" but what he or she must absolutely be is kind and generous (at least that's what science says: Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity - The Atlantic - Emily Esfahani Smith). Am I kind and generous? Absolutely.

God, I love you so much it's painful. Roughly once a week I have this altered state of mind where I have goosebumps all over my body and imagine how I'm changing the fabric of the universe to make you change your mind. I'm doing it now.


The 16GB of traffic I bought from Orange has almost entirely depleted. Only a week after I bought the SIM card I read the fine print and that is these gigabytes are valid only for a number of websites and for all others 1MB means 2MB. Bastards.



Initially I wanted to hide the last few journal entries and place them behind the "Friends-only" wall but then I realized that Maria would never reunite with me, so I may as well tell everyone what's on my mind. I don't have anything to hide, I am who I am. I still hope though; she won't take the hope from me :-)

The funny thing about the entries for the past half a year is that I translate all of them from English to Russian upon completion to make them more comprehensible for Google Translate which Maria uses.