Notice

Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

Getting desperate

A few days ago I broke into tears for a brief moment because it had gotten extremely difficult for me to read any English text. I feel like I cannot even digest simple sentences without forgetting them a split second after I've read them. For instance I've just read an article in The Register, "Explain yourself, mister: Fresh efforts at Google to understand why an AI system says yes or no" and I had to read twice sometimes thrice at least half of the sentences because I couldn't retain them in my mind. Ars keeps making fun of me as if this condition is self-inflicted and I've got no issues with my brain whatsoever. At the moment it's mostly posturing but I recently asked anonymously, though Ars almost instantly figured me out, whether it's worth ending my own life if I become incapable of doing any kind of work and even of looking after myself because I feel like I'm moving in that direction. At least one person concurred, maybe two.

I try to smile daily at least a couple of times but those smiles are accompanied with wet eyes and I almost have tears. Speaking of my diminishing comprehension. Here's another fact why I'm not making things up unlike Ars says. It's become extremely difficult for me to follow a film plot and remember the names of characters. If there are more than three main characters I get completely lost of who is who and only constantly referring to a plot on Wikipedia allows me to keep on watching movies. It's not like there are too many characters anyways, for instance, "In the Tall Grass" had maybe six people at most and up to the end of the movie I couldn't remember their names. And after I finished watching it I returned back to Wikipedia to get a grasp on what happened. WTF is going on with me.

Ars says go to "doctors". FML. What fucking doctors is he talking about? In this God forsaken city there are ages old MRI scanners with a pathetic resolution, we have nothing which detects tau-proteins (in case I have an early stage of Alzheimer's), we have nothing which detects the protein composition of the brain.

Gotta finish this article a little later: https://human-memory.net/short-term-working-memory though it looks very superficial.

On Monday Maria suddenly went to her parents and she's still there. Yesterday she was asking all sorts of existential questions and I answered as best as I could. Somehow nothing really satisfied her and since I ran out of options I told her that maybe her undesire to live was caused by living with me in this apartment which she seemingly hates to be in. That was an act of desperation on my side because I actually wanted to say something like, "Maybe you fucking have to go work" or something but I suppressed it. She didn't respond to my words in any way and I felt like by doing that she expressed her desire to break up with me once again since apparently her model of happy and fulfilled life is having a husband who earns enough to provide for both. And by providing I mean being able to buy a huge house/apartment, a car for him and her, to pay for all her whims, including expensive clothes, jewellery, trips, entertainment, etc. Considering the rate of inflation in this country and my salary which when divided by two makes me basically broke, no, I can't do any of that. Her hobby doesn't earn enough to allow her to buy snacks in the streets.

Prior to her recent BD she had a fit of hysteria after cooking for me for six days in a row or something. I wired her four thousand rubles for her efforts. The day of her birthday she was unpleasantly surprised to learn that the money I'd given to her a week earlier was her BD present. I realized she wouldn't let me off easily, so I gave her extra two thousand.

Yesterday instead of going to sleep at least at 3am I contemplated the purchase of a new GPU, 1660 Ti at a great discount at Rakuten but then after a long consideration I decided against it because a performance uplift wasn't worth the money I'd spent and the risk of having a warranty issue which would warrant sending my GPU back to the US which would cost me dearly. I still have a few hours left unless it's been sold out (which is very likely considering that they had just two left). Anyways, it all meant nothing to me because around 2am I wrote a lot of stuff to Maria, thinking that her evasion of replying directly to my apprehensions meant she'd agreed to break up with me. I basically said, "You will never step into my apartment ever again and I will package and send you all your stuff to an address which you'll specify". I trembled like hell all night afterwards because she was silent (and probably sleeping). I fell asleep around 9:30am only to wake up at 2:20pm, having slept for less than five hours.

Though the temperatures outside are a lot higher than a year prior, it's very cold in this apartment this winter because the door to the balcony has a decent gape between it and the door stud. I used to fill the gape with some rags but Maria has hidden all the stuff somewhere and a blanket I put instead barely helps at stopping the cold air of getting into the room.

Also I fucking hate the room I sleep in. The window frame became loose (maybe it's dried up) and it also lets the cold air in as well as the noise from the outside and this noise doesn't allow me to fall asleep as fast as I want. For the past two years now I've fallen asleep by sleeping on my stomach with one ear facing the bed and the pillow on top of the other ear which allows me to make the noise a little bit less intense (I'm extremely sensitive to any noise - when I slept at the dacha when I was young the tics and tacs of our mechanical clock drove me insane each night - everyone fell asleep almost instantly and it took me half an hour to do the same). Also, I keep bending one of the legs to facilitate the blood flow in my pelvis to help my bruised and battered prostate gland which I spend up to 16 hours on daily.

Health fuckeroo

My sleeping regime for the past two months have been completely and utterly fucked up. I've gone to bed around 8am-12pm to sleep for less than 5 hours at least five times. I go to bed at 3 to 6am daily. Today I slept from 3:30am to 14:00pm.

Due to this total fuckeroo or probably due to other reasons I've had intermittent pain in my stomach for the past five days, my throat hasn't felt right for the past two months and I almost had troubles swallowing, I still have a burning sensation while taking a piss (which started at the beginning of this year).

A month and a half ago a tooth on the left side in the lower jaw started aching like crazy. It ached so much, I almost fainted. Since instead of going to my doctor right away I waited till Friday when no one could even help me aside from emergency state doctor which I chose not to visit. I drank Nimesulide but it didn't help much. Then I bought an even stronger pain reliever and that allowed me to fall asleep. The next two days I was on drugs not to get crazy due to the intense pain which stroke me like crazy - it felt like a lightning bolt in my ear. Oh, btw, on Friday I went to a state otolaryngologist to check my left year because it first felt like I had a year infection. The doctor said the ear was fine.

Then came the treatment. My dentist discovered pulpitis which was very bad 'cause she'd treated the same tooth four months prior and decided to save the nerves. Too bad she didn't remove/polish enough of it and I forgot about this nuisance and each time I chewed I pushed it deeper into the jaw and that was probably enough to start an inflammation because food and bacteria got deep into it.

During the first appointment she put medicine to stop the inflammation and kill the nerves.

For the second appointment we met in six days and the situation was horrible - my teeth was reeking like hell. She tried to remove the nerves but nothing helped to relieve my pain and I almost fainted. She put another stronger medicine and told we would meet when I felt better.

Since I finally didn't feel any pain any longer I kinda gave up on everything until almost two weeks later the tooth started aching again. Then we met and she treated two out of three root canals however she couldn't manage the third one.

For the third one we met two days later where he mom intervened. She was really upset with how my treatment affected her daughter's mood (she had been taken to a hospital a day earlier) and I was afraid her work would be bad for my future state and it was proven true: after I had all three of my canals treated, I had four days of constant really strong pain which felt like hell.

In two weeks I had an appointment with my doctor again and this time I felt no pain, she finished fast and told me she would only treat the children from then on.

Overall during and before this tooth treatment I kinda missed sleeping for at least three nights where I slept for less than four hours.

Oh, and a piece of my tooth on the right side in the lower jaw broke off. She gave me a phone number of another woman in the same clinics but I tried calling her five times and she never picked up. That was three weeks ago.

My working memory still sucks ass but I've learnt to live with this.

A new PC

(<-> below are used to confuse Google and other search engines and mix up personally identifiable info about me).

In a bout of frenzy after reading lots of Ryzen 3000 reviews approximately two months ago I decided to sell my old PC and buy a new one based on the Zen 2 microarchitecture. To this date I still don't understand why I did that - my reasoning skills obviously took a nosedive.

In July I put an ad for my entire old PC and also motherboard/CPU/RAM alone in Avito and in less than a week a buyer arrived and took it all from me. For Intel Core i5 2500 CPU, along with sixteen gigs of low-latency 1600MHz RAM and a professional motherboard (P67<->P8 PRO) I received just 8500 rubles ($125) which weren't even enough to buy two sticks of RAM. My initial offer was 9500 rubles but the buyer bargained and I yielded. He called and arrived in less than two hours which probably how I confused myself into selling all the stuff. I also was too generous and too stupid to give him all the SATA cables (four, two were still in their original packaging), a motherboard speaker (which was *mine* because it came with the case, not with the motherboard) and a rear two-ports extension USB3 panel. God damn me, I was so stupid. I should have retained at least two SATA cables, the PC speaker and this panel because the new mobo (Asus TUF GAMING X570-PLUS WI-FI) doesn't have anything at all. WTF?

I was sure I would buy the CPU straight from the US since the box version of Ryzen 3700X cost less in the US then an OEM version here in my city at the time (July, 2019). I was hesitant about a motherboard though because I was afraid something would happen to it during shipping, besides they are just a lot more fragile than CPUs. In the end I decided to buy the CPU and the motherboard in the US. This motherboard cost at least $80 more in Russia than in the US, so that made me go through with the order. I tried my luck with the mobo and called Asus Russia and asked if they would honor the warranty and they weren't really sure themselves and asked me to call their primary RMA center in Moscow. I called them twice. The first call wasn't good: they let me know they they wouldn't honor the warranty for a motherboard purchased outside this country but during the second call another person made the opposite statement, so I still don't know whether I'm fucked if anything happens to it.

I spent a week trying to buy a CPU on Google Express and continuously failed to complete the purchase because Google gave me some strange error which couldn't be Googled. I called and emailed Google Express and Google Pay support at least four times and in a week they finally let me know what the issue was: they do not allow your shipping address to be a warehouse address. I signed up for a different shipping forwarder with better addresses and the purchase went through immediately. In around two weeks after the purchase everything arrived to this city and I was generally happy.

I thought about purchasing RAM in the US but I already hit my import limit of $500 for a month and Maria did not really let me use her passport to purchase the RAM. I tried doing that but she almost had a feat of hysteria when I told her I used her passport data to sign up on certain websites. Then I couldn't use her card to buy RAM from NewEgg because they check the Visa card origin and compare it with your shipping address. Some people say Master cards don't have this limitation/issue but Maria doesn't have a Master card. I tried chatting with NewEgg support twice in order to find a workaround but they didn't offer any solutions other than buying from their Russian website with delivery straight to Russia which would be more expensive than using my shipping company. Besides they sell in rubles with a certain non-trivial fee (around 3%). And their return/warranty policies suck ass.

A week after I purchased the mobo and CPU I purchased RAM in Moscow ($190) since not a single etailer/retailer in this city had it and the ones who listed it said it would take up to a month to deliver it which as a no-go. The two sticks of 16GB 3200MHz CL16 Micron E-dies which took ten (!) freaking days to arrive to this city from Moscow all because the etailer in Moscow didn't even have them in store when I purchased them, so they only shipped them five days after the purchase. And then the absolutely shitty shipping company DPD Russia took four (!) days to deliver the sticks to this city. I visited DPD office in this city twice because their support told me the sticks had already arrived on Wednesday.

I also purchased a CPU cooler (maxx<->Gam GT) from Moscow on Monday. The day the RAM sticks arrived, the cooler also arrived and after I got everything I went to purchase a thermal paste (Arctic MX-2).

When I had everything I finally proceeded to assemble the new PC. I almost had a bummer when I tried to make the CPU cooler work because its brackets seemed to be incompatible with the AM-4 socket. Suddenly I realized the mounting could be moved and everything fell right into its place. I put the IO panel in place, then inserted the motherboard into the case, secured the screws and then ... I found out that the motherboard connectors didn't fit the IO panel holes. What the fuck?!! It looked liked the motherboard fell through. I carefully unscrewed the bolts and removed the motherboard. I tried to bend the part of the case to let the motherboard remain in its proper position but my attempts were unsuccessful. I then put three thin screw pads under the motherboard and that was enough to fix the issue. It took me three attempts to retain the pads under the motherboard because they moved out of place as soon as I tried to put the motherboard on standoffs. In the end I succeeded. A month after assembled the PC I'm still apprehensive of how I did it because I feel like I bent the motherboard, so that it could be installed properly. Hopefully it'll serve for the years to come.

I basically barely slept for the first three nights after I assembled it: I slept for less than 18 hours while testing and setting everything up, fixing Windows 10 and 7 boot. Windows 7 still boots using CSM and I want to change that but I'm not sure it's worth it.

I'm generally happy with the performance uplift that I've got but I'm absolutely dissatisfied with the CPU voltages (up to 1.5V under load), CPU idle power consumption (17W on average while my old Core i5 2500 consumed just 7W) and temperatures fluctuations as if my CPU cooler is not even installed.

There's another issue to tackle: under full load the CPU cooler fan starts rotating so fast, the cooler starts vibrating and that's very very bad for the motherboard and CPU thermal paste.

Four days ago I spent almost six hours overclocking my RAM, so now it runs at 3600MHz CL16 at 1.36V and it netted me up to 5% performance increase in WinRAR and 7z. I could probably overclock it even further but it would require an even higher voltage which sounds like a bad idea since even at 1.36V it gets unbearably hot when I run MemTest86.

Two months ago I also placed an ad for my GPU, GTX 1060 6GB, but so far no one really wants to buy it for the price I specified (roughly $190). Two people have called but they were ready to buy it only if I decreased the price by extra $16-32. I wanted to replace it with a GTX 1660 Ti but probably I will live with my current GPU until RTX 3060 gets released.

Enough with drafts

The lazy fucker has become so fucking lazy that I don't have enough will to finish my posts and after quite a lot of time passes I don't even remember a single bit of what I was about to write down.

***

Two days ago I sold my last computer, not in its entirety but only the essentials: the motherboard, the CPU and the RAM. I got measly $130 which will only be enough to buy a new motherboard for my new Ryzen CPU. Over the past six months Google AdSense paid me $200 and then I also exchanged some of my earnings in rubles and got an extra $70, so overall my dollar bank account increased by $400. I want to by the Ryzen 7 3700X CPU and I'm still not sure 'cause I cannot justify paying an extra $130 for just two cores (3600 costs just $200).

Luckily I still have the PC my old friend Helene (a professor from a uni) gave to me five years ago and it still works, so now I'm working on it. It's exceptionally slow, has just 4 gigs of RAM and cannot even decode youtube videos without dropping frames.

***

Our life together has become a little bit more peaceful and nowadays she at least makes a salad every day and the mess made of her stuff has significantly subsided.

She's still evil and callous way too often. For just this "morning" (I woke up at 1:30pm after two sleepless nights during which she took my bed and I had to sleep on hers): she's made faces, she told me bad words and then when I was taking a shit in the toilet while she was having a bath, she laughed when she heard me taking a dump. What a nasty creature.

***

My memory issues have got out of control though I no longer bother to share them with anyone. A few days ago I forgot how to set the timer on the microwave oven. Really. I came up to it and instead of putting in the digits (e.g. 3 -> 0 -> 0 to set three minutes) I hit the quick cook button (which automatically starts the oven for one minute) three times.

***

Yesterday (after sleeping for less than 4 hours I guess) I was talking to a guy whose computers I manage and I was describing to him the issues of files fragmentation. I started the conversation with directories fragmentation then got to files and then forgot about directories fragmentation altogether and spent half a minute trying to recall what I was about.

***

Mom, dad, uncle, his son and grandma had a sort of farewell meeting last Friday or Saturday. I already don't remember when it happened. Grandma seemed to be able to walk again and look after herself which is a plus. As always it was primarily mom who was talking to my cousin who had finished MFTI/MIPT with honors. During the meeting mom also mentioned the fact that after my BD text where I told them I'd come in two weeks and never came, she actually completely shaved her head. Mom looked like her fluids had evaporated: your can see the veins on her arms and they looked like mounds on the ground.

After the meeting I offered cousin to go for a walk and he somewhat reluctantly agreed. We had an hour long conversation while walking through the nearest park to get to my apartment where he called a taxi and went home. I learned a lot about him and also told him about my life, my nihilism and what I was doing. I can't say he really enjoyed me. Next day mom called me and offered me to visit uncle and his son one last time before they left. I chatted with cousin in WhatsApp and asked him if I could come to them and he said he was actually sleeping, his dad was busy packing up and though he said I could come I understood he wasn't willing to see me again. I gave up.

***

Ars paid me almost 1.5 times as much as he usually pays me and I realized that only yesterday. OMG. I didn't even thank him properly. Too bad, like it has already happened numerous times (ten already?), I didn't cash out straight away when he paid and then Bitcoin shed 12% of its value, and now it's still minus 7% which makes cashing out highly undesirable.

***

Roughly two weeks ago we started having sex again. The first time I almost forced it. Wow. We'd already had it five times, though the last two times she didn't want to come and while I came during the first one, I didn't the fact that I was only fucking to get my own satisfaction so I pulled out without coming. I've had a strong burning sensation when taking a piss for the past five months and I don't know what to do. Our doctors can't even say which tests to take to identify it.

***

Maria wants to go to the country or to go camping but the weather has become absolute shit. It's been around 14C for the past week. Yeah, the last week of July. Today, the first of August, it's just 12C.Enough with drafts

Updates [draft]

No, my working memory hasn't really improved. A week ago when I was in a store I again left my bag in a locker only to forget about it on my way out. I put the tag in my pocket and of course that was enough not to remember the fact I'd left my stuff.

After three major altercations with Maria our life together has improved. It all started three or four week ago. I was sitting behind a computer in my room, she was doing something in the kitchen and suddenly she asked me, "Are you going out one in a while or not?" That was said with a decent amount of contempt and sarcasm which definitely set me on fire.

I started quite a long monologue about how she had lost any resemblance of being a decent person towards me and the apartment she lives in. I reminded her how she hadn't cleaned her room in over half a year, how she had her clothes lying on the floor everywhere, how she stopped cooking, etc. etc. etc. I ordered her to clean the freezer, the thing she hadn't done ever or she was free to go to her sister's and never come back. I'm not sure I was really serious about her not ever coming back but I was sick and tired of her "I don't give a fuck about anything related to you". I vividly remember how she had told me that she and her sister lived in a rented apartment and they actually made renovations in it. During this first altercation she ripped off a piece of wallpaper in the hallway and it looks ugly 'cause there's grey concrete underneath. I didn't actually make any demands at the time.

Our second huge altercation happened roughly a week ago or so. On her way home she wrote to me in Telegram that she was willing to go for a walk in the nearest park. I dressed up and went there. In the park she did the unthinkable. She opened her rucksack and brought sausage, bread and a salad made of Korean carrot. No, she didn't ask whether I was hungry. No, she didn't offer to buy something to cook it at home. Nothing like that happened. I was unpleasantly surprised but I kept my nerve. However later on we started talking about a healthy lifestyle and she started claiming all kind of unscientific shit, like e.g. that WHO says that you must walk at least 10 kilometers daily to stay healthy. I asked whether she could show this information on their website. Of course, she couldn't. And there were other equally outrageous claims - and that along with her eating shit instead of cooking something for us at home triggered me.

Our next an hour and a half in the park was crazy. I told her to get the fuck out of it, so that she could go anywhere she wanted to except going back to my apartment. She refused despite me almost carrying her. On several occasions I even pushed her. At some point we almost started fighting and I accidentally scraped her upper right eyelid with my nail. The scrape was bad enough there was a drop of blood. During our fight Ars called me and asked if I was willing to join him and our friend to go for a walk. I turned down his proposal but let Maria know about that, "I'm not in a mood of seeing them right now". We headed back home via the mall. When we got there I saw Ars and his friend walking towards us. I instantly starting running away and fled but not entirely. I actually swiftly walked around the adjacent area and got back from behind them, so that the three of them, Ars, his friend and Maria couldn't see me.

They stood for up to fifteen minutes discussing something. Then they went over to Ars car and drove somewhere. I went back home. When I returned I saw Ars car parked near the apartment house. I realized they decided to come to me. I slowly entered the entrance and saw them waiting for the elevator. I instantly exited. A few minutes later I quietly went up on foot several stories and heard them talking in the corridor (they hadn't yet gotten in the apartment). I went back to the streets.

OCD or a crazy gamer

For the past three weeks I had at the very least three bouts of intense crazy gaming. Twice it was Far Cry 4 which I finally walked through and both times I played for at the very least 12 hours non-stop. Yesterday I played CS:GO from 5pm to 6am, i.e. over 13 consecutive hours without eating anything at all.

My sleeping regime is again completely fucked up. I can go to bed around 2am or 5-8am. Yesterday after gaming in CS:GO I decided it wasn't enough so I watched a match in CS:GO as well and then read something on the net. I could have gone to bed at 5am and instead I feel asleep around 7am.

My coughing stopped a week ago and white flashes while coughing in the right eye as well. That's a relief. Alas, my crazy gaming sessions don't improve my health/immune system at all, so yesterday I started coughing again.

For two times during past ten days Maria has taken all my phones/laptops, etc. so I was forced to fall asleep around 1-2am. Actually I offered her 50 rubles each time she does that. Looks like it's not much of an incentive. :((( For the past 24 hours I've eaten two oranges and a little piece of chocolate. I wonder how I am still able to stay erect.

***

Last week, I babysat grandma. For that I had to wake up at 9:10am which was insanely unpleasant as I fell asleep around 5am. Everything was fine other than waking up without sleeping too much. Grandma refused to eat anything at all except before I left her at 6pm. I gave her a pill in the morning and one at the end.

When I arrived she decided she wanted to take a pee however she wasn't able to get on her bed after getting back from the loo. Being unable to stand up or walk, she crawled to the loo and back. I called mom and she told me I could leave grandma on the floor. Luckily there was a carpet, so she stayed there. I put three blankets on top of her and she fell asleep. Actually she was sleeping almost all the time I was with her.

There was so cold in the apartment around 11am I turned on the convection heater. It took at the very least four hours to get sufficiently warm, so that I stopped freezing.

When she woke up she decided to climb the bed again. Her attempts were futile because she could barely control her body. Her arms were OK, but legs were like a dead-weight. I showed her how she could that but she wasn't able to master my example - he legs were too weak. I felt like I needed to get her on the bed, so I left the apartment and started ringing her neighbors' apartments. There was no one at her storey and at the storey below there was just one woman. She told me to go to the first storey where there was a man available. He said he was unsure he would be able to help but he dressed up and together we easily lifted grandma and she finally was able to sleep in her bed.

For half an hour I left her to buy something to eat. I bought bread and yogurt (without sugar). Also I bought ham but I decided not to eat it.

Before leaving grandma I let her eat buckwheat kasha (around five spoons I guess) with herring. That was all cooked by mom a day prior.

It was all Wednesday last week. On Sunday Maria babysat grandma and unlike me she fed her a lot better. She even bought chicken and cooked/boiled it.

***

I've just deleted a few texts from Maria, "The caller tried to reach you N times". At the very least once a month I get so lonely or/and offended by her, I turn off my phone and force stop Telegram.

***

(no subject)

Yesterday when I got back from parents to my apartment house and decided to check my mailbox I realized I'd forgotten my ... apartment number. That was quite scary and I plunged into despair as I was standing near the mailboxes. I couldn't deduce whether the last digit was either eight or nine. After a minute or so, I painfully calculated that the digit must be nine. I've no idea why it happened. The day before yesterday I went to bed at around 5am in the morning and at around 10am heavy raindrops started pounding on the window of my room and woke me up. I hoped I would be able to fall asleep again but I just couldn't.

Yesterday brought the news of my only remaining grandma almost dying on Saturday last week. It turns out she lost consciousness that day and spent at the very least 12 hours lying on the floor in the pool of her own piss and faeces. In the evening my brother and mom arrived from the dacha to her apartment (out of the ordinary as they hadn't been able to reach her on the phone and suspected she was dead) and found her still being alive. They took her to the hospital and in just a few hours she was released. She slept in our apartment and next day, i.e. on Monday in the evening brother called me and asked me to help move grandma back to her apartment ASAP. I immediately called a taxi and also called my cousin, so that he helped us as well. My brother just couldn't be involved any longer since it was him who primarily lifted grandma and took her to the hospital and she's quite a heavy woman, almost 100kg. This job left him in quite a bad state as he damaged something in his body - either his knees or his back.

Mom was unpleasantly surprised I'd taken a taxi but we sorted it out. My cousin and his friend came 15 minutes after me and then the four of us drove to Grandma's on yet another taxi. It was mainly me who helped grandma slowly climb the ladder to the fourth floor. I put my hand underneath her right armpit and pushed her up all the way to her apartment. My cousin barely helped at all for no obvious reasons. Actually he said it wasn't convenient for him to help her.

My back slightly hurt for a while after that. Just when we left Grandma on her bed, mom arrived. The same day grandma shit herself and spoiled her entire bed. Brother took bed linen to out apartment to wash it in our washing machine.

Mom looked barely alive when I came to their apartment. She admitted she hadn't slept well the night before and her blood pressure was just 80/50 which is quite below the norm. While we all were there mom assigned different days of the week to us to babysit grandma. Two or three for her, one for me, one for my brother and two for my two cousins. Mom told me that grandma had been disappointed I hadn't visited her for almost half a year. Mom added that doctors had said grandma had some serious (motor?) issues with her brain, namely encephalopathy.

In the evening I called brother and told that Maria had agreed to look after grandma as well, so that would leave mom with just two days in a week.

Maria's return from her sister at 11:40pm was just crazy but I have to sleep. Instead of taking a taxi she came by bus and wrote to me in telegram to meet her when she already was halfway to our apartment house which means she had walked at the very least 400 meters along a barely lit street with no passerby whatsoever. I rushed to the lobby, swiftly dressed up and actually ran towards her. She was safe and I was in a fury.