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Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

Unchanged

My visit to the psychiatrist wasn't a smashing success just like I thought it would be. 90% of an hour and a half that I was there that was me who was talking. Only in the last quarter of the allotted time the psychiatrist started asking questions and commenting on my condition. I made the usual mistakes in my speech like stuttering and occasionally failing to recall widely used words which we both had noticed. The doctor suspected there were two primary causes of my condition: either I was worried too much and the evil loop of my thoughts only exacerbated my condition (which is BS since the symptoms first appeared over a year ago I payed zero attention to them at first), or there was something wrong with my brain chemistry/composition (which is my suspicion number one). He referred me to his fellow shrink who would check my memory/attention span. Overall, I wasted 2500 rubles without any positive outcome. The meeting occurred over a week ago, on the 25th of January and the entire last week wasn't enough for me to set up a meeting with the shrink. When I called her on Tuesday last week she said she couldn't make an appointment and would call me back next day, i.e. on Wednesday, however when she called me around 12:30pm I was wide asleep, so I missed her call and since then I haven't made another call.

Five days ago I started taking medicines against my urogenital infection and for the past three days I've been taking Unidox Solutab. Now, I'm going to take the sixth pill and so far there has been zero improvement to my condition: I still have a strong burning sensation when I'm taking a piss. That makes me feel quite uneasy because I believe antibiotics should kick in quite fast and this obviously hasn't been the case.

Last week Ars sent me my January salary and he added 5K rubles extra for my medical expenses. This time I decided not to rely on BTC exchange rate fluctuations and cashed out the same day which netted me 40K rubles. I still haven't cashed out the remainder of my December/November salaries and I'm not sure it's a good decision at all and maybe I should hurry up. At the very least I've already lost 10 out of 70K due to simultaneous BTC and ruble depreciation. Bitcoin has been quite steady for the past seven days which means there will be a sharp movement soon, ether up or down and I want to hope it's gonna be up.

Maria spends days at home and we don't go anywhere maybe because I look like shit (no new clothes and grey hair and the two primary pet peeves). In January alone I gave her over 4K rubles and 2K more for the past couple of days. That could have been nothing if we both were employed but she's not obsessed over having a job or profession.

For a few days last week she was overtly hostile, mean and angry towards me and raised her voice on several occasions which is nothing new. At least recently she started to admit that however she says she's not gonna change and that's who she is. WTF. Sometimes I shout at her when I cannot take any more of her shit. Roughly once a week or even less frequently.

Mom hasn't called me for at least two weeks already.

Maria wants us to go somewhere warm and I just don't know where since I'm not super rich and all the expenses will be on me which just sucks. Turkey is not a good option since February is perhaps the coldest and wettest month over there. Everything else will be either cheap housing but expensive flights, or expensive flights and expensive housing. If BTC cost $10K tomorrow, we'd fly away right away.

I have over 0.3BTC stashed on local BTC which is probably a huge mistake but I'm too lazy to send the money to my own wallet, however the primary reason is that this website charges 50K satoshi for each deposit, so whenever I need to cash out I will have to pay extra which sounds like a poor idea.

It's -28C outside. Damn.

WTF

I've been forgetting to copy my diary to my HDD since July 2018. WTF?! I'm falling apart. Completely. Today I've been stuttering all day, I've been mistyping words all day. It's horrible.

For the 10th time during the past 15 months I didn't cash out the bitcoins Ars gave me at the beginning of January, my salary for the previous two months, and of course Bitcoin crashed a day after that, so instead of getting close to 70K rubles I'm now looking at almost 10K less. That's so fucking great. When will this shit stop falling? It's been in free fall for over 13 months already for fuck's sake.

Maria just cannot stop raising her voice and talking aggressively with me. Yesterday I'd asked her to cease it for at least 10 times and then after she went as far as to stand up from bed, came to my chair, bent to me and talk loudly into my ear, I lose my temper, stood up immediately and started shouting at her and ended with putting her on the floor, sitting on top of her and shouting right next into her right ear. She broke into tears but I didn't really care. Enough is enough.

She returned from somewhere half an hour ago and of course she keeps humiliating me with her risen voice and accusations. I'm fucking tired of this shit. She stopped working for sister last year because she gets paid very little - 300rubles for a 10 hours working day. She doesn't want to work nude modelling 'cause she's afraid someone from this city will recognize her. In November December last year she earned over 6000 rubles doing that. For less than 15 hours which sounds like a good deal for me. If she had some sort of schedule and constant clients she could easily make 60000 a month or more but she's lazy even for that.
In the last week of December I payed a visit to three doctors.

First, it was a GP in my state clinic who I went to see thinking that he'd be able to send me to a central state MS clinic. He was a young nice kind guy who had recently graduated from the local medical university. Alas, it didn't work out as he needed a referral from a neurologist. I them told him about my splitting toenails (edit: recently found out this disease name: onychoschizia) for which he asked me to have three tests: blood iron, folic acid and vitamin B12. The failure made me find a different avenue of approaching the issue, and I finally called Ars' uncle, a professor of neurology who Ars had suggested me to visit a week prior (actually we'd already met three years ago). On the phone he asked me if it was urgent or could wait until next year and after getting a confirmation of urgency he told me we could meet two days later.

In the early morning of the 27th of December our meeting took place. 11:30am is probably midday for most people but given my sleeping regime or a complete lack of it, that was quite difficult. Needless to say I couldn't fall asleep in a timely manner the night earlier, so I called a taxi after walking up, having slept for around six hours.

I let him know about most of the issues with my psyche. A few days prior to the meeting I'd written them all down in my smartphone because I wanted to print them but my laziness hadn't allowed me complete this simple task. And since I don't have a printer, I had to go to somewhere. At the meeting I asked if he could read from my smartphone but he told me to speak out. He downplayed at least some of them, like hypnagogia and hypnopompia and added that some people even experience a sleep paralysis which I have yet to "enjoy".

When I told him that I suspected I had MS he said it wasn't possible despite all the symptoms which in my world clearly indicated an onset of the disease. Having lost all hope that he might be overlooking it, I told him about the slight coordination impairment which prompted him to ask me to close my eyes, stretch my arms horizontally and touch my nose with the index fingers of both arms. When I did that I slightly missed my nose both times (by two-three centimeters) which was a first in my life. He was in a hurry, so we didn't have nearly enough time to discuss everything and he finished our meeting off by asking me to see three specialists: an endocrinologist, a somnologist and a psychiatrist.

On Friday the same week I woke up and started looking for an endocrinologist. I found the one with decent reviews and experience and called the clinic where he works. Luckily he was available, so at 4pm we met. The doctor was a man in late fifties I presume. We had a nice conversation during which I mentioned my dissatisfaction with most Russian doctors who don't spend almost any time self-educating and reading any international publications in regard to their specialty which in my world is a must for anyone who wants to call himself a doctor. I mentioned my earlier visit to a neurosurgeon who he knew and who I didn't quite like the attitude as he didn't let me speak at all and kept writing down something all the time. The endocrinologist asked me if I'd discuss him with other people later on but I reassured him that I wouldn't since I liked him - I didn't know why.

I wasn't sure he knew anything about my condition. He asked me to get checked for nine different blood parameters which I did next day. Almost everything was OK except vitamin D (three times lower than the lower end of normal), and C-reactive protein (CRP) which was two times bigger than the upper and of normal, so today is the 11th of January and I haven't called him since because I presume he's got nothing to say. The CRP value might be attributed to my prostatitis possibly caused by a ureaplasma infection.

The psychiatrist and somnologist still remain. I'll go see them next week. That's gonna be expensive. Very expensive.

***

Since the constant urinary discharge began to seriously trouble me, I took a common urine test which turned out to be unnecessary after I went to visit a state andrologist who asked me to take a quantitative test of ureaplasma and antibiotics susceptibility test. I took a test yesterday and the results are yet to come in.

***

I keep forgetting everything. As of today: having eating half a banana, I took the second one - never happened to me before. Yesterday alone: * I forgot my gloves when I went outside * I forgot I'd put my cellphone in one of my pockets * I forgot I had glasses between my gloves when I was in a bus * In the morning (again morning for me is around 12pm) I couldn't quite talk normally for half an hour - couldn't pronounce relatively simple words, had troubles making up sentences, used the wrong words (I've just written down "for half an hour" twice, damn!).

***

Ars and Dmitry keep insisting that my disease is psychological. Damn it. I've no way of persuading myself to have an almost non-existing attention span, to make errors in speech or stutter, or to be unable to read long sentences in English (and often in Russian).

***

On the 7th of January Maria remembered that I existed and we chatted in Telegram. She asked me where we'd go (meaning abroad, meaning for quite some time, at the very least for a month) and when I'd have finished with the doctors. She definitely doesn't care much about my condition. It's not like it's anything new to me.

***

I'm not sure if I've already mentioned that and if I did, sorry. At the end of December I sarcastically mentioned that for almost six years that we'd been together she hadn't bought anything for this apartment. A few days later she bought a pretty lousy toilet brush and asked me the get rid of the old one. The new one is quite lousy because the old one had a white beautiful holder and it had a much denser brush. The new holder is dark brown and literally looks like shit. I was quite sad with her purchase but didn't show it. Also she bought a massage mat for the bathroom which I find useless. It now sits in the toilet for some reasons.

Today she's bought a mop. I don't understand why we need it at all. Also she bought a new glass water jug which looks like shit - it's almost rectangular if seen from the side. The old one which she accidentally broke looked a lot better - it was exquisite in comparison.

***

Speaking of being stupid and unlucky for the 21st time. Ars paid me a two months salary two days ago. Yesterday bitcoin crashed by 10% in a matter of half an hour when I was sleeping. I had an application set up to notify me if the price went down beyond some number however for some reasons it didn't notify me even though I'd added it the list of battery unoptimized apps and Wi-Fi was on. I instantly lost something like $120. Fuck my life. And I need a LOT of money now - I did hope bitcoin would rise however history doesn't teach me.

Getting worse with every passing day

Last week was hazy and crazy. On Thursday I finally overcame my fear and sent a message to neurosurgeons of the central hospital of the city. I listed a lot of my recent symptoms but not all of them. One of the neurosurgeons replied almost immediately, "I'll check your MRI scan tomorrow. According to your symptoms I can suspect you have MS". I immediately started reading a Wikipedia article on the topic. It wasn't if I hadn't read a lot about it earlier but I didn't believe it was a possibility. I spent so much time reading and thinking I went to sleep around 6am.

I started feeling completely lost, I almost had a panic attack and started searching for find people to chat with. Only my American friend we visited three years ago was available. We chatted briefly and he tried to support me as much as he could. I was a bit relieved but not really. My heart was racing, I was alerted and scared as heel. I couldn't fall asleep until 10am (9.30am was the last time I checked my smartphone) and I woke up by myself at 12am, i.e. I slept for just two hours.

I spent the next day waiting for a confirmation but it never came. During the entire day I kept drinking tea (three cups of it) with Melissa. The reply still didn't come. And again I couldn't fall asleep and slept from 9am to 11.30am. Only yesterday I checked the tea contents and realized it wasn't just Melissa: it also contains green tea which has a lot of caffeine in it. That explains my insomnia after a sleepless night. I was so exhausted at 2:30pm I just went to bed and fell asleep again. At 4:30pm the alarm clock on my smartphone woke me up. As a result, I slept for less than six hours for two "nights".

***

We had yet another altercation last week. On the evening of one day Maria shouted from the kitchen to my room and asked me if we had cheese. I said that we had it. "But I can't find it!", she shouted with discontent. I replied, "Maybe we don't have it". She didn't find it.

The next morning, when I was wide asleep, she woke up and discovered the cheese. I'd put it on the topmost shelf where she could hardly see it. This was when she drank all the water I'd boiled earlier for both of us because she was angry and she thought I was hiding food from her. Maybe I did. A few weeks ago she started preparing this meal: sliced pieces of banana, some chocolate and cheese all heated in the microwave oven. I wasn't really against this meal except I always buy the cheese which is far from the cheapest yet of high quality but for an average price. The same about chocolate bars. I was pretty sad that she still avoided cooking regularly, yet she consumed the stuff which was meant to be consumed separately and in moderation. I'm the only fucking person who pays for everything!

In the evening of the same day she did two other bad things to me but right now I don't remember what it was. That prompted a lecture from me and one night last week she stayed at her sister's due to my complaints.

I'm now checking my Telegram chat with Ars and the second thing was the fact that she kept coming home around 12am two days in a row. We had a deal earlier that if she wasn't at home past 9pm she tells me where she is and when she's coming. Again she ignored me twice. Only when she came back home she said that she'd gone all alone to the movie theater one day, and to a cafe the next day. WTF? All alone both times? I couldn't believe her.

***

For the first time ever in the last six years (technically five years and some months) she made me slice ingredients for a salad. I did that however I didn't touch the salad for the next 48 hours. After I finally ate it twice, during one evening and the next "morning" (I keep waking up past 1pm daily because I go to bed around 5-7am), i.e. full 80 hours after I'd made it, it got spoiled/rotten.

The next morning she cooked pancakes for me but I didn't touch them until she came back from her sister's the next day.

***

Last Sunday I told her if she didn't cook anything she wanted and cleaned up her room I'd stop buying food for us. Earlier I had visited the mall and bought a kilogram of pure raw Turkey meat without any fat. A few hours later she cut the meat in pieces, sliced potatoes, added something on top and put everything in the oven. The meal was simply amazing.

***

Speaking of the neurosurgeons. Two of them have replied and both said the same: there is nothing visible on the MRI scan and they suggested that I went to the central MS clinic and see the main MS doctor of the region.

***

Ars keeps chatting and sometimes even calls me via Telegram to support me and he also mentions the memory issues he and his wife are experiencing. Everything is mostly funny except in my case everything is a lot worse. Just an hour ago when I was done taking a bath and washing, I opened the drainage hole and ten seconds later I tried to ... open it again because my first action hadn't quite registered in my memory.

***

I've now forgotten that I washed my hands in the bathroom countless times. I try to work around my failing working memory by paying extra attention to the things which might result in omissions and forgetting. That doesn't always help. For instance I filed a bug report earlier today and I tried to be as polite as possible. That resulted in typing the word, or sentence, "Thank you" twice. Before posting the report I discovered the repetition and removed it but anyways.

What else have I forgotten recently? Let me consult with my Telegram chat with Ars.

* I forgot that I'd opened a tab in a web browser three times (last week or earlier)
* I forgot that I'd already brought the bottles with water to the kitchen (last week)
* I forgot I'd left the lights on in the kitchen (yesterday)
* I left the entrance door open when I came back home from the mall yesterday
* I keep forgetting that I've already opened a new web browser tab with a link I'm interested in - that's happened at least twenty times already

***

I've been thinking quite a lot about MS and the things which could have led to it. I've identified the following things:

* a huge amount of stress when Maria left me four years ago - I cried daily for almost five months
* my life with her is generally stressful
* a chronic prostate gland inflammation for the past 10+ years
* a horrible pollution situation in the city
* absolutely wrecked sleeping regime
* absolutely wrecked eating habits and very scarce repetitive low nutrition value food like bread which I eat instead of proteins like eggs, meat, etc. I eat meat maybe twice a month. I eat ham and sausage more often but they hardly contain any meat but a lot of soy
* infinite hours spent sitting at the PC
* not enough physical activity
* a severe lack of sunlight
* an overall lack of optimism (though I cannot call this "pessimism")
* almost non-existent social interaction

The most horrible issue in regard to MS is that it's very difficult to identify. I may as well have Alzheimer's or a brain cancer.

***

Three days ago I told her I wanted her. She scoffed at me. Yesterday I told her the same, "You're disgusting and your face is disgusting", she replied. We haven't had sex for at least two weeks now.

Desintegrating II

I'm lying in my bed crying and unable or more like unwilling to fall asleep because I desperately need someone to hug me and tell me that everything's alright. No one comes to mind. Maria doesn't really care and she's asleep in the other room. For all my ex girlfriends I'm more or less a complete stranger. I won't ever admit to mom how much I've fucked up my life/my health.

My working memory is seriously malfunctioning as I've already mentioned many times. For the past three hours alone I've had two instances of being unable to remember why I'd grabbed the smartphone - both times I wanted to set the alarm clock. Ars said it had happened to him as well except I can't believe he forgot about that mere seconds after the urge came to his mind. Then earlier I took an yogurt out of the refrigerator and a minute later I forgot about that and only remembered that I'd taken out something.

I don't even want to mention that twice during the past several days I've forgotten that I already washed my hands and once it led to the second round of the same procedure.

Nothing that I've read about my condition so far gives me any confidence. My symptoms match an early stage of Alzheimer's, or at the very least I have a mild cognitive impairment. The only thing that I may exclude is multiple sclerosis.

I'm fucking scared. Ars told me he wanted to give me extra 5k rubles ("from the company") to visit decent doctors but I politely turned down his generous offer. What's more I will ask him to pay me 60% of my usual salary because our company's revenue last month sucked. By my wild estimates we earned half or even less as usual. I hope he won't mind.

Since I'm crying of course I'm pitying myself.

I wanted to go to bed at 2am. It's now 7:12am (December 4, 2018). Fuck.

***

3:52am, December 5th. What else have I forgotten today? Half an hour ago I went to the kitchen to move a pot with boiled buckwheat to the refrigerator and I forgot to do that - instead I took a can with beans/tomato out of the refrigerator and bread and took it to my room to eat.

What about forgetting the name of a KDE application for IRC earlier? It took me almost half a minute to resuscitate it in my memory but luckily I managed it - the app name is conversation.

Instead of going to bed early today, or at least earlier than 2am, I'm now going for a short walk.

I wonder if I'm done already. I need to finish the remaining two posts in my diary - one about Turkey and one about the US. Since my memory is now failing like crazy, it's the best chance to have it done.

Yesterday I was about to go to sleep around 1am and then Ars called me and we talked for over two hours. Then the urge to sleep subsided so much I stayed up until 7:10am.

***

A few days ago I called the M girl via Telegram and instantly hung up, so that she could only see a missed call from me. Strangely she didn't even ask me who I was, since most likely I'm not in her contact list or otherwise she would have asked me what the matter was.

Ars is the only person in the world who still cares about me. Wow.

***

A quick few words about Maria. Two or three weeks ago something about her changed. She cooked me twice back then. It was first a salad and then she cooked fish. Both dishes were amazing. Then a few days ago she cooked again. And starting from past Friday she now works for her sister as an administrator/receptionist.

Yesterday she finally told me why she doesn't want to go to Turkey with me - she doesn't want to be confined to the place where we'll live. She doesn't know Turkish which means she will have no one to party with and nowhere to go. I told her there are lots of Russians in Turkey but that didn't convince her a tiny bit. And then my health is horrible and I need to figure out what's going on with my brain 'cause my symptoms are quite serious.