Notice

A note circa 2017: To whoever reads my diary: please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

2020-06-28 7:17pm: A note (consider it my will) to this website employees: in case I stop updating this diary for a long time, i.e. more than six months, which would most likely indicate that I'm either dead or rapidly dying, please make all my previous posts public whether they were marked "Private" or for "Friends" only.

Weird stuff

I went to bed at 10:16pm yesterday because I hadn't slept the "night" prior at all. I cannot even say whether I slept at all but I grabbed my phone at 4am this morning and around 4:16am I decided to get to my computer where I've been sitting at ever since.

There's one tidbit which I forgot to mention in my previous post. When I was with grandma yesterday mom called and said my uncle and his wife had both contracted the coronavirus infection. The wife was relatively OK, while my uncle was feeling very bad. I hope he'll recover - he's barely older than my brother.

After being up for more than two hours I now have a strong urge to sleep again. Don't know what to do. If I don't go to bed now it could be a great opportunity to fix my sleep schedule. I think I will and sleep for a few hours. I'm feeling really sleepy.

Yesterday I watched a video how a women can retain her boyfriend/husband in case he's losing interest in her. It started with "You must learn to love yourself and start attending to yourself" because by doing so you'll increase your worth. I wonder if it applies to me, I wonder if our dead relationships with Maria can still be salvaged. I can probably do a lot to get better only I don't think with everything she's done and how it all has gone down, she even considers me. God I want her back so much.

Still shaking

I'd slept so little over the past couple of days, yesterday around 9:30pm I plumped down on my bed because I was simply falling asleep while sitting at the computer. I couldn't fall asleep, so at 11pm I got up.

My second attempt at falling asleep was around 4:00am. I was longing for her so much, I started crying, shaking and generally felt unhinged. Raised my arms in vain as well. Opened the balcony for a few minutes because I felt like there was not enough air in the room. Around 4:30am I finally fell asleep and slept until 1:30pm when I took a pee and went to bed again and slept until 2pm.

I had not just one, but two dreams about Maria last night. The first one was a threesome with some girl who I didn't know, Maria and I. We just started kissing, and they didn't even undress before the dream ended abruptly. In the second dream, we were sitting in the streets on some bench discussing something. She said she'd decided to return. I was happy like crazy. I haven't cried today. I'm almost OK. I want her back madly.

Ars hasn't really talked to me for the past two-three weeks. I guess he's absolutely fed up with my whining and stubbornness and according to him all my problems will go away as soon as I start going to a drama club. LMAO. As if they have a surplus of young lonely women who are ready to fall in love with some lad who's not even young.

Feeling very low again

Three days ago when I was in the park I couldn't stop myself from crying. Luckily I didn't cry much outside of the walk. I again raised my arms (it was in a part of the park where no one could see me), asked the universe or whatever there was so that she returned. I know I was acting insane. I needed to calm myself down only it didn't help.

Yesterday I cried occasionally a few times for less than a minute each time. Today, I woke up feeling depressed as hell. I had a dream about Maria in which she returned to me. I was beyond happy. I've never dreamed about her so often, fuck :( It's probably the tenth dream since she's left me. Imagine my frustration when I woke up and she wasn't near.

I keep thinking about her. That's unbearable. My brain is struggling to let her go. I've found tons of reasons why I never needed her back, despite that I want her back madly. My latest idea today was, "If she returns, your crying is dor naught, if she doesn't return your crying is worthless anyways. Why are you crying, little boy?" Then there's this local renowned psychologist which has recently said that (heightened) expectations are basically the root of all suffering and strangely he had "An eternal love" as number one on the list of expectations people often have and which is the worst in terms of its applicability to the real world. There's no such thing at least for most people. I guess I'm not "most people".

In the end I just couldn't tolerate the pain of missing her any longer, so after a couple of months of not drinking anything at all, I bought a bottle of cider, 400ml, around 5pm. After crying in short bouts for up to half an hour earlier today, I finally felt relieved after drinking the whole bottle in less than ten minutes. Then I visited grandma (I was a tad drunk for up to an hour even as I was already with her) and spent around two hours in her apartment. The weather today has been absolute crap: it's been windy and raining non-stop.

My Tinder conversations lead to nowhere. I have fifty matched women. Twenty of the girls I haven't even greeted because they are outside my comfort zone in terms of their looks. Let's just say I find it hard to call them pretty. Around twenty haven't replied yet as most likely they signed up and uninstalled the app shortly after. Out of the remaining ten there's just one girl who I will probably meet soon. Others are undecided or maybe ... to be honest I'm fucking tired of persuading them to meet me. Not that I've even tried to offer that and kept pushing that. No, we just chat and the topic of meeting up doesn't even come up. What a complete suckfest.

Speaking of my recent crazy thoughts. I've been thinking of giving her my laptop. I've been thinking of giving her the plant she left here.

My memory is seemingly getting worse and worse. I played Far Cry 5 for three hours yesterday. God, I had troubles keeping quite short mails scattered around the map in my memory.

It's so fucking difficult to be alive. It's this nagging feeling of something very bad, as if the world is ending, as if I'm dying fast.

I want to hear her voice, I want to hear her laughter, I want to see her smile. God, I want her back. I love her endlessly. Mother, forgive me. Nikolie was right when he said I am ready to give her everything I have, so that she came back to me. That's fucking true. I've been crying the entire time I've been typing all this worthless shit. I won't see her ever again. I've just screamed in pain. Tears are running down my face. I'm inconsolable. I'm an old abandoned fuck who no one except his mom loves.

00:36am

I've barely refrained from visiting her over the past couple of days. I've had this idea for at least a couple of times. In the end I dissuaded myself, "If she decides to get back to your, your stalking would only make things worse. If she never returns, it's all meaningless". With that I came undone and banished the stupid idea.

I've decided to stop hiding my diary entries (I did that by marking them "For friends" or "Private") as I'm quite sure she's not reading the diary anyways. I don't intend to become secretive because she left me. I will keep on being kind, honest, outspoken and faithful. That's who I am, thank you very much.

Beautiful dreams

Today I've had the second dream where Maria returned to me. I don't remember anything from it aside from it being sex related and since I had troubles waking up due to my clenched nerves, during the time I finally managed to get out of bed I forgot most of it.

The same situation which happened to my remaining grandma at the beginning of the year, happened to her again on Sunday. She lost consciousness while being in the bathroom. She fell, had bruises. Yesterday I spent two hours with her. We talked about Maria for over an hour. Grandma told me to keep on looking, and I said I was hopelessly in love with Maria and I would wait for her to return. Silly me. Grandma didn't really like the idea and said I had no time to wait.

I'm still thinking about her non-stop all the waking time. For some reasons while I was with grandma I had a desire to call Maria from grandma's landline but decided not to because it made no sense. On my way back home I had another crazy thought of offering Maria money to nurse grandma but I quickly dismissed the idea because there was no way she would agree. She's way past me. She won't do anything which is related to me or my family even if I offer her good money. Probably I won't see her ever again. Sigh.

The day before yesterday I went to bed at 2:30am and couldn't fall asleep until ... 7am. I've no idea why it happened like that. Something was troubling me.

Teeth again!

While eating bread with mayonnaise and a tomato a few minutes ago, I felt like a piece of my tooth fell off. That sucks as it is the same right upper canine tooth whose piece of I lost while studying in the university around 1999. One day I bought a soup in the canteen and it wasn't just a soup, it had a literal little stone in it which broke the canine tooth by half. The restored tooth has served me for 21 years and now I have to reassemble it again. The tooth next to it also shows signs of decay - looks like I'm looking at up to 20 thousand rubles in losses. Damn.

I've completely run out of money btw. I feel so utterly broken I don't remember the last time Ars paid me my salary (not sure if I deserve it anyways) because I haven't raised the question for more than a month now, while living off the salary I got at the beginning of July? It's all moot now cause in July I bought two bicycles which cost me over 57 thousand rubles.

Oh, btw, I've been wanting to write it down many times already but my memory is shit, so I'm now finally doing that. Recently after logging in my online banking I checked my expenses for August and it turned out I'd spent around 12K rubles just on fucking food alone. Not that I bought anything else during the month but the sum of money seemed catastrophically high for me, so for the first ten days of September I spent just 2K while going to the Lenta mall just once. The reason I spent so much money is because I rarely cook the meals which could help save me money, e.g. I had no boiled potatoes, I cooked macaroni maybe just once, etc. Besides I bought nuts and not so cheap fruits.

I'm going to Lenta mall right now.

I slept relatively well last night - from 3:30 to 13:30. I intend to go to bed earlier and earlier every day. Due to the clouds, waking up past 12pm renders the rest of the day gloomy. It sucks outside. Yesterday was the last relatively warm day without raining continuously. It's been raining all day today and it's just 8C outside.

I keep thinking about Maria all the fucking time. Nothing really distracts me from these thoughts. Today I've had a crazy idea to text her and offer to deliver the rest of her stuff to her office. My freezer is full of meat, cotton cheese and other food from her parents and it's not just that. I won't do that because I still hope she'll change her mind. Against all odds. I've cried on several occasions today but all the instances were relatively short - less than a minute each. I feel like shit. Even writing it all down has made me cry. Damn. I'm hopelessly in love with a person who doesn't give a fuck about me, who doesn't care whether I'm alive or not. God, forgive me.

The clenched nerves on my back are still hurting me like crazy. Yesterday I thought the pain started to subside but today I could barely get up from bed because of the pain.

***

In case you're reading this Maria: I've never ever thought you were shit. All I said many years ago and I stopped doing that a long time ago, is that you didn't care about me enough if at all. In May you showed me you could love me and I'm so fucking sorry for yelling at you, for not giving you flowers, for not supporting you, for not treating you like my lover. I'm so fucking sorry. A spoon is dear when lunchtime is near, they say and I now can't do anything to redeem myself but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry. Please forgive me as I love you endlessly. I'll do anything for you. God, I'm talking to myself, it's all so painful.

(no subject)

Ars insists that I have to forget about Maria, start going to a drama club and socialize. He's described how attractive he is for the opposite sex. Little that he knows is that he's got charisma, which I guess I absolutely lack. Perhaps in reality I'm just lazy and lack determination. I've never actually "won" my women - they all kinda fell in love with me just because we spent time together. It's all in the distant past now.

Anyways, the point is I'm socially dead. I told him that could have been the reason she left me. But, boy oh boy, she never talked with me about that. Yes, I spent too much time at home and she wanted me to at least go to our office. And I stopped doing that at the very least a year ago. I now realize that maybe she started hating me for seeing me half naked, wearing a horrible ancient worn sweater with many holes all the time and not doing anything in particular. And then playing CSGO. And then sleeping until 3pm. I also didn't pay attention to my bristle. My oh my. Only at the beginning of the year I started wearing underpants at home while I had been naked below my belly-button all the time prior to that. In short I was despicable and almost disgusting. Damn it.

It's been three fucking months since she left me. What a horrible anniversary without a single word from her. I deeply madly love her and I want her back. I can change. I am changing. I've already got rid of my old clothes, bought new sneakers, made the balcony neat and empty. I just want to have hope she'll return as I can't imagine my life without her. Unlike all the previous times that she left me, I now don't stalk her, I don't follow her social profiles, I've completely disappeared from her life. She used to say that would be enough to make her remember me, start missing me and eventually get back to me. Only this time around it feels absolutely impossible despite my best efforts to change and be better.

This almost sounds like a letter to her only I'm pretty sure she has long stopped reading my diary. Oh god.

Frightening things

I fell asleep around 6:30am "yesterday" (technically it is today) and I woke up by myself at 1:30pm, i.e. I slept for exactly seven hours or maybe less. This is kinda scary, worrying and discomforting. I've tried looking it up on the Internet (I need less sleep than usual) and haven't found anything. It's just written that seven hours are the least amount of sleep an adult requires. According to webmd, "Older adults (ages 65 and older) need 7-8 hours of sleep each day". I'm not so old, I'm still in the adults territory, so it must be, "Most adults need 7 to 9 hours, although some people may need as few as 6 hours or as many as 10 hours of sleep each day". Damn. I need to fix my sleep schedule and go to sleep at least six hours earlier. Enough with the self-torture.

I had a dream about Maria. Maybe I've already had it - it sounds familiar now that I'm attempting to write it down. We were in in a 200 stories hotel. It looks like we lived in the same room because she announced she'd move out. I needed her so much I went looking for her. I took the lift, reached the 90th floor and starting going along the corridors. That's when the dream ended because my neighbor woke me up with his screams - yeah, he again was screaming at his wife.

Yesterday at 6pm I met the girl from Tinder but that won't take me anywhere. She's got a boyfriend in her home city, she's got a boyfriend here in this city and I'm just probably too old for her. I've already forgotten her age - was it 25 or 26? She's really beautiful and she's got a great body.

When I got home, around 9pm, I started feeling horrible. I was on the verge of breaking into tears but somehow contained them.

Around 2am I did 30 pushups. At the beginning 20 and then 10 more after a very short break, around ten seconds. Ten minutes later I did four pullups vs. being hardly able to do just one two months prior.

When I went to the Lenta mall at 3:45am I was ready to start crying hard. Instead I started breathing deeply and slowly for a change. That helped me not break into tears and almost made me feel OK'ish. I bought a lot of shit for 2000 rubles. In the Lenta mall I kept thinking about Maria. To be honest I keep thinking about her all the time.

A very unsettling thought crossed my mind yesterday. Of course, I keep counting days and months since she's left me. Only it dawned on me that she'd left me not at the beginning of June but in December last year. Having realized that I was full of despair as if I hadn't already been feeling terrible. That meant we hadn't been together for then nine months and the prospects of her coming back had evaporated like like a fog.

The worst thing is that I don't know what to do. I'm not stalking her, I don't call her, I've stopped using VK since the middle of June, I've stopped using my old Telegram account at the same time, so that she had no chance of being alerted by my "online" status. I've done my part to erase myself from her life. When she left me for half a year, in the fall of 2016, she contacted me just 2.5 months after the breakup. It's now been full three months and there's nothing from her. I don't know where she is, what she's doing, nothing. That's excruciating.

God, I want her back. I love her endlessly. I will go crazy without her or die very soon. Mother, forgive me.

7:00pm

I've been drowsy even since I woke up but it's a weird feeling: i.e. I'm feeling sleepy but it's not like I actually want to sleep. I've done five pullups today. It was really hard but I managed it.

Nothing makes sense

On Monday I cooked macaroni which made me broke into tears because it reminded me of Maria. I'd never really taken care of myself and even doing so made me feel extremely sad.

On the fifth of August I cried for at least an hour and a half, went to bed at 3:10am and slept too little as a result (set the alarm clock for 11am) because I wanted to restore my sleep schedule only it didn't work. I didn't go to the psychologist because I don't think the 60yo woman obsessed with testing is really going to help me. I also didn't want to spend two more hours in the psychiatric hospital probably catching the coronavirus.

At 4:30pm I had a date with the woman I'd met near the Lenta mall approximately five days ago. For some reasons this fact had completely evaporated from my head when she started writing to me on Saturday in WhatsApp. For the first time ever I didn't speak about Maria all the time. It was raining pretty much all the time we were in the cafe. It was very windy as well. In the end I had to sit very deep into the chair to make my back warm up a bit.

She's nice but not beautiful but I don't want to meet with her any more. So, what exactly did I dislike about her? 1) When we were done sitting in the summer cafe I asked her how we'd share the bill - she answered, "Men usually pay for me in the cafe". The fuck? Luckily the bill was just for 360 rubles - she ordered a cup of coffee and I ordered "syrniki" (quark (curd cheese) pancakes) 2) She's not interested in children/family despite being 31yo old 3) Her teeth were uneven and all over the place - I wondered why she'd never fixed that 4) She had no formal higher education aside from "clothes sewing" 5) We had nothing to really talk about.

Around 8pm Alena from Moscow (which I've always called MGirl here in this diary but enough with monikers - there are too many Alenas in Moscow to be afraid to expose her) called me via Telegram and invited me to play The Division 2. I started downloading it (60GB via a 100Mbit connection takes almost two hours to download). Then before the download completed she said she had to take a call and never returned. I started playing the game and played until 2am. I went to bed at 3:10am and woke up at 10:15am. Waking up was very difficult.

***

Yesterday I could have had a date except the girl didn't come. The third one from Tinder. I waited for her for twenty minutes, then wrote to her, "Where are you? Have you forgotten about me or dismissed me?" And then I had to leave because it was meaningless to wait any further. Two hours (!) later she replied, "Since you haven't written to me recently I thought we wouldn't meet". What the fuck?? On Sunday we both settled on the time and the place and both wrote "OK". Looks like that wasn't enough. I went to my old business partner office because last week he'd invited me to fix something. Only his accountant was present. It turned out "that something" was his PC case battery which had died. When he finally came he was coughing. I didn't like that fact and left the office five minutes later because I was afraid of the coronavirus and the man spends literally many hours daily in Christian churches and never wears a mask. Not a single person has ever been spared from any serious diseases by the virtue of believing in imaginary Gods and obviously this simple fact doesn't resonate with him. His faith will "protect" him. Yeah, really.

Around 11am a guy called me and asked about my RX 5600 XT. I told him I was ready to sell it for 22500 rubles (bought it for 26000). Actually I didn't really want to sell it because initially I wanted to wait for NVIDIA to release their 3000 series cards in the fall. Still the AMD drivers suck ass so much, I yielded and around 8pm he came and bought my card. I then rushed to Citilink where I bought the MSI GeForce 1660 Ti Gaming X. When I got back home I made myself a salad (tomatoes, cucumbers, dill and the Danone "natural" yogurt without sugar instead of sour cream) and 15 minutes later installed the card and played The Division 2 for six more hours without a single issue. That allowed me not to obsess about Maria and not to cry as a result. I went to bed at 4:15am. To fix my sleep schedule I set the alarm clock for 11:30am only I couldn't get up and stayed in bed until 1pm alternating between sleep and awakening every ten minutes because that's how my alarm clock works (the Smart Alarm Clock app).

My brain is constantly racing between crying and finding excuses to be happy without her. It doesn't really work. I want her back. I cried yesterday just a little bit. Haven't cried today at all yet because I feel dumb.

***

Speaking of my meeting with Ars a few days ago. He reminded me that I should have always built relationships (not sexual, just friendship) with women outside of my relationships with Maria because it would have been a fail-safe in case she leaves me for good. I never heed his advice. Now I'm paying for it. Actually it's always been like that with all my women, so I guess I'm either too lazy, too stupid or just incapable of doing that. I'm all in, I'm all for one.

I want her back. I've no idea what to do.

5:31pm

Of course I did push-ups yesterday trying to calm myself down when I was crying and again it didn't help. Have I mentioned that I've been again gathering Maria's hair everywhere I could find it and putting it in a special small plastic bag? Not sure it helped the last time she got back to me but doing it won't hurt. As I've typed that I've started crying for the first time today. Damn.

The antidepressant doesn't work?

I went to bed at 1am and woke up at 10:50am yet I couldn't get out of bed until 12:10pm. When I woke up I started thinking about her nonstop. I'm on the verge of breaking into tears. The drug, mirtazapine, makes me feel dumb and sleepy and I no longer believe it works.

2:10pm

Ars says I should continue taking the drug. I've just cried for a short while. I'm back to feeling extremely bad and sad. I have goosebumps all over my body. God, I want her back.

9:06am

I've cried like crazy for at least 1.5 hours today.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing or engaged in. Sometimes certain activities distracted my brain temporarily but not so much. For instance I stopped crying when I was pouring hot water into a basin in the kitchen to pour it out into the bath later - it took me some eight to ten rounds to fill the bath enough. I've just had a bath/shower for the first time maybe in a week because for some reasons there's no hot water in the bathroom.

While I was in the bath I was crying and trying to stop it by hyperventilating or speaking loudly, "I need to stop crying, I need to stop crying, I need to stop crying" - only it didn't really help. I again talked to "God" or the universe or whatever there could be trying to ask them to get her back to me. My brain is inflamed. I'm broken.

I'm now out of the bathroom and I'm exhausted. I've primed my brain for crying - it's the only way to feel a good measure of relief. It's so fucking wrong. I'm degenerating hard and fast.

I cannot understand why she can't talk to me at all, why she becomes so alien each time she dumps me. I wanna ride to her work to see a glimpse of her but I understand it's so fucking stupid.