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Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

Desintegrating II

I'm lying in my bed crying and unable or more like unwilling to fall asleep because I desperately need someone to hug me and tell me that everything's alright. No one comes to mind. Maria doesn't really care and she's asleep in the other room. For all my ex girlfriends I'm more or less a complete stranger. I won't ever admit to mom how much I've fucked up my life/my health.

My working memory is seriously malfunctioning as I've already mentioned many times. For the past three hours alone I've had two instances of being unable to remember why I'd grabbed the smartphone - both times I wanted to set the alarm clock. Ars said it had happened to him as well except I can't believe he forgot about that mere seconds after the urge came to his mind. Then earlier I took an yogurt out of the refrigerator and a minute later I forgot about that and only remembered that I'd taken out something.

I don't even want to mention that twice during the past several days I've forgotten that I already washed my hands and once it led to the second round of the same procedure.

Nothing that I've read about my condition so far gives me any confidence. My symptoms match an early stage of Alzheimer's, or at the very least I have a mild cognitive impairment. The only thing that I may exclude is multiple sclerosis.

I'm fucking scared. Ars told me he wanted to give me extra 5k rubles ("from the company") to visit decent doctors but I politely turned down his generous offer. What's more I will ask him to pay me 60% of my usual salary because our company's revenue last month sucked. By my wild estimates we earned half or even less as usual. I hope he won't mind.

Since I'm crying of course I'm pitying myself.

I wanted to go to bed at 2am. It's now 7:12am (December 4, 2018). Fuck.


3:52am, December 5th. What else have I forgotten today? Half an hour ago I went to the kitchen to move a pot with boiled buckwheat to the refrigerator and I forgot to do that - instead I took a can with beans/tomato out of the refrigerator and bread and took it to my room to eat.

What about forgetting the name of a KDE application for IRC earlier? It took me almost half a minute to resuscitate it in my memory but luckily I managed it - the app name is conversation.

Instead of going to bed early today, or at least earlier than 2am, I'm now going for a short walk.

I wonder if I'm done already. I need to finish the remaining two posts in my diary - one about Turkey and one about the US. Since my memory is now failing like crazy, it's the best chance to have it done.

Yesterday I was about to go to sleep around 1am and then Ars called me and we talked for over two hours. Then the urge to sleep subsided so much I stayed up until 7:10am.


A few days ago I called the M girl via Telegram and instantly hung up, so that she could only see a missed call from me. Strangely she didn't even ask me who I was, since most likely I'm not in her contact list or otherwise she would have asked me what the matter was.

Ars is the only person in the world who still cares about me. Wow.


A quick few words about Maria. Two or three weeks ago something about her changed. She cooked me twice back then. It was first a salad and then she cooked fish. Both dishes were amazing. Then a few days ago she cooked again. And starting from past Friday she now works for her sister as an administrator/receptionist.

Yesterday she finally told me why she doesn't want to go to Turkey with me - she doesn't want to be confined to the place where we'll live. She doesn't know Turkish which means she will have no one to party with and nowhere to go. I told her there are lots of Russians in Turkey but that didn't convince her a tiny bit. And then my health is horrible and I need to figure out what's going on with my brain 'cause my symptoms are quite serious.

Fucking hate Linux

I few days ago I stayed up until 8am because I tried to install Fedora 29 the way I wanted. Damn, I hate KDE5 - it's just a piece of shit - color schemes are shit, themes are shit, icons are shit, and there's no way to have decent monitors in the task bar - obviously Plasmoids are all but ill-suited for that. In XFCE/KDE3 I have nice RAM/CPU/Network monitors and there's just nothing suitable/similar in KDE5 as this brain damaged environment requires me to stare at the desktop at all times while I usually have my fucking applications open, be it Firefox/Chrome/Konsole/Akregator/Goldendict/MPV/etc. And then there's a ton of dependencies, so even though I only have plasma-workspace installed, I ended up having over a thousand packages installed. Then there's this SDDM shit which shows on-screen keyboard fullscreen while hiding everything else. I got completely mad when I saw that. It turned out there was a button you may mouse click to hide it. Fuck my life. What a piece of shit.

As if my sleeping regime is not fucked up completely another night Maria decided to wash the floors at ... 4:30 in the morning. She finished at 6:30am and the last thirty minutes she was doing something in front of the mirror while I was begging her to go to bed.

Yesterday I went to bed around 3:40am.

My Bitcoin savings are fucked but I don't even care.


Continuous disintegration

I broke into tears for a few seconds two days ago, since my symptoms aren't getting away and now I notice how I forget something also daily. Ars tried to calm me down and said the issue wasn't my brain but with my psyche, so he suggested that I went to a shrink or psychiatrist instead. When we were chatting on Telegram I sent him extracts from the Alzheimer's article in Wikipedia and there was just too much which matched my symptoms. I am almost sure I have MCI (mild cognitive impairment) and an early stage of AD.

Never in my life I've made so many mistakes while typing. My fingers don't really follow my train of thought. I make even more mistakes when typing in Russian. In fact while I'm typing this I make mistakes in every second word. Damn!! My speech isn't much better as I keep misusing words, I keep using the wrong forms of words and sometimes I forget the right words altogether. Here are a few recent examples:

A few days ago after taking a shit and going to the bathroom to clean my asshole and then wash my hands, I forgot whether I'd actually washed my hands, so probably I did it twice. Yesterday I went to grandma, she gave me two thousand rubles and I put the money into my right jeans pocket (I've just tried to type this word twice because I made a mistake, the word jumped to a new line, I didn't notice that and started typing it again :( ) and a few minutes later on my way home I started pulling out a smartphone from the same pocket and almost dropped the money on the ground. Four days ago I went to print some documents for brother and almost forgot my gloves on my way out. Three mild incidents almost every day. Numerous times over the past several weeks when I tried switching from one activity to another I instantly forgot about the previous one.

Me and Maria quarrelled yesterday. I don't remember now how it all began but she slapped me in the face and I almost hit her shoulder, so her arm became reddish. She instantly broke into tears. It doesn't even matter that I'd told her over a hundred times that she mustn't touch my face or head ever, however every time she has nothing to say she tries to hit me over the head. In the end she dressed up and went to the streets ostensibly to go to her sister's to grab something from her. I noticed she hadn't taken her keys, so I swiftly dressed up as well and went to the streets where I found her immediatily since she'd spent too much time waiting for the elevator.

First, we walked and then I started asking her why she wasn't going to the bus stop from where she could go to her sister. She said she was headed somewhere else. We stopped six meters away from some apartment house where I kept lecturing her about her worthless life. She demanded me to stop while breaking into tears again. I almost shouted at her, "See, everyone in this house is extremely interested in our lives!! Why are you always thinking about the people who mean nothing in our lives?! Why don't you ever feel embarrassed in regard to me, your mother or your sister?!" What a stupid degenerative creature. She doesn't work. She doesn't keep our apartment clean. She rarely cooks - twice a month maybe except for cooking pasta which is not cooking at all. "Everything you're doing right now is a fucking sham. Your tears, your dropping on the grounds, everything. You don't feel any fucking remorse whatsoever!". Yeah, I picked her up from the ground twice because she felt it was necessary to lie on the snow. She tried to hide between the cars but I just didn't let her go and how could I? It was already past 9pm, almost completely dark and she was headed somewhere she didn't want to let me know. I demanded that we go home and I wouldn't say a word if she agreed to that. "Do you want to fucking get raped or what?"

On our way home she stopped in at some alcohol store to buy something. I later learned it was noddles and a bottle of beer. I waited for her outside and hid behind some random car. She went outside and couldn't find me. She headed home thinking that I wasn't following her. I was. She tried to hide again but I spoiled her plans by running and reaching her. We finally went home. I opened all the doors for her. When she got in, she first didn't let me in saying, "You promised you let me be alone at home and you'll go for a walk". Yes, I said that earlier in the streets but she never agreed to that. After staying at the landing for a few minutes I said to myself, "fuck it" and got in. It was my apartment and who the fuck she was to talk to me like that?

She switched off the freezer for no reasons other than to do harm to this apartment. She opened all the chocolate bars I'd bought in the previous days, she ate the noodles and drank all the beer. Then she spent close to 15 minutes lying on the floor and then crawled to her room. She wrote quite a lot of messages in Telegram but I didn't notice that since the phone was in silent mode. Then I decided to check on her. She was reading something off her smartphone in complete darkness. I closed the ventilation window and when I was about to leave the room she said, "Don't you check your (smartphone) messages?" I said sarcastically, "You don't know when I was last online in Telegram, so you'll never know". Yes, she hides her online status from me everywhere - Telegram, WhatsApp and recently she completely hid her VK profile, so that only her friends can see it. And her Instagram profile has been private for almost forever. "Not a single woman among my friends keeps her life completely secret from her boyfriend/husband!", I said angrily.

I returned to my room and finally read her messages: a lot of one dot ones to make notification sounds and then finally, "Warm me a sausage with cheese". I brought her that and she obviously didn't thank me. Later she asked to bring her a pomegranate and a peeled orange. I thought to myself, "I'm not a slave" and only brought her a pomegranate. She was angry that I hadn't brought the second fruit and again didn't thank me.

We didn't really talk again and went to sleep in different rooms, i.e. separately. Oh, I've just remembered what else I told her yesterday. "You're an Instagram whore and you keep envying other Instagram women but almost all of them work!!" She tried to humiliate me with Plurk, "Ars told me you always try to show off that you're the smartest" - what the fuck is this BS? but that didn't work because I don't fucking post my photos, "And I don't fucking whore for likes". Numerous times she told me to go to Turkey and I replied, "How are you even going to survive without me?? You have no work, you have nowhere to live because this time I won't let you stay in this apartment because you'll most likely fuck it up".


I'm starting to forget keyboard shortcuts. Today I've had troubles recollecting a keyboard combination for pasting from the internal midnight commander buffer (shift + f5). The day before yesterday when I went to bed I left the lights on in the kitchen - i.e. I proceeded from the kitchen to the bedroom without realizing something was not right.

Almost daily I have feats of sadness. I don't even know how to describe that properly. I suddenly start feeling very bad as if everything is wrong and almost break into tears. Don't know what's going on.

Mom called yesterday and we (mostly she) talked quite amicably. She didn't call for quite some time because she was afraid the connection would be poor, i.e. she was afraid of me getting mad for no reasons.

My sleeping regime is even worse than ever. Yesterday, sorry, this morning I went to bed at 7:35am only to wake up by myself (I don't remember anything which could have woken me up) at 1pm, so I slept for less than six hours. Damn.

I've promised to myself countless times that I'd never go to bed past 12pm. Countless times this promise has been broken.

From 7:30pm to 11pm I was helping an acquaintance of mine with his PC, his wife's laptop and his new phone and in the end he asked me how much he owed me. I told it was a ruble (1000 rubles). Damn, either people are stupid or more like I'm an idiot. 3.5 hours of professional work just cannot cost this little. The truth is I know I ask for too little hoping that maybe people will be a little more generous but it almost never happens.

A few moments ago Maria (she's in Spb) offered to go to England because she'd found cheap tickets. As always, she's stupid and doesn't even one step ahead. A few minutes after her proposal I wrote a single word, "visas". Then it finally dawned on her that visas are required to visit GB, "Aaah, yeah, really".

Forgetting yet again

Maria left to buy something for her trip to Spb around 9.30pm. I remember I told her to lock the apartment front door with her keys but she didn't and I knew the door stayed open. I thought to myself that I would stand up soon and lock it myself. Only when Maria returned and got in without opening the door I realized that I'd totally forgotten about it. I'm fucking sad, almost crying.

She could have gone to bed at 9pm and slept until the time when she needed to leave for her train but as always she left everything for the very last minute and it's now 2:46am and she's just in the bathroom, washing her hair and taking a bath. Her train will depart in less than two hours. Then she only printed the photos required for the interview earlier this evening. And bought this missing piece of clothes. And did this and that. She's had roughly a week to get prepared for everything. No, didn't happen.

I made a caustic comment just a few moments ago, "I remember you told me I was your role model. Then how on Earth you're so disorderly when I'm trying to be perfect with everything I do and that's why I didn't go for an interview in Google because I perfectly knew I would fail to be employed". A lot of scathing followed including, "with such an attitude you'll never achieve anything in this life". A usual Maria who, instead of admitting her faults, turns everything inside out. What a weird upbringing she had. Or maybe it's her genes. My dad often behaves the same way: when he does something incorrectly (forgets to do something or breaks something), he will most often attack you and say it wasn't his fault at all and will come up with a lot of BS - not even excuses but some total BS.

Some people just cannot accept the concept of a fault. It's beyond their capacity. Too weird they become enraged animals when dealing with such things.


I've just finally changed the time zone of my LJ account and now my new posts should have the correct date/time. Some of them were posted with an incorrect offset because in order to conceal my browser information I changed how I launched Firefox/Chrome. For the past six months of maybe more I've done it with `env TZ=UTC`, so some of the posts for the past six months are dated slightly incorrectly. That doesn't change much though since my sleeping regime is still fucked. And I'm sure I will not go to bed on time tonight since it's already 3.01am and I will see Maria off to Spb and the train departs around 5am.