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Weird Maria

She came home roughly at 9pm, went straight to bed, and shortly after she started crying as if she had yet another feat of hysteria. WTF? I joined her several times and she hugged me a lot. She couldn't explain her tears aside from "overall I'm feeling bad". In the end just before she fell asleep she admitted that she was afraid of her travel to the US. She would be staying there alone without me or her sister for long 3,5 months. Two gulps of wine and some sedative pill didn't help her.

In the middle of her tears I brought her a meal (freshly cooked pasta (I did it since it was my only normal meal for the day and I knew Maria wouldn't cook me anything) with canned fish) and her reaction was quite off. She shouted something at me with what I felt was animosity. I went to my room, closed the door, and turned on music. In telegram I wrote her a message about my feelings and added this, "I guess I annoy you. Don't worry, in a little time you'll leave me for 3,5 months". She replied, "Stop getting at me" ("ne pili").

Ten minutes later or so I came to her room and reminded her that she had totally forgotten about my BD once again. She asked me to lie in bed with her and then laid close to me with her head on my chest. She had apologized at least five times for her memory and then told me that her dad never remembered about her BD and last time even her mom had forgotten about it. I kept saying that I forgave her. She also uttered, "I love you" at least several times. I replied, "Loving someone means that when you come home you ask them if they are hungry or whether they have gone outside", hinting at the fact that when she came back today I was hungry and I hadn't left the apartment and I needed some fresh air. Seemingly she hadn't heard or fully understood these words so I just kept stroking, calming her down and telling her to fall asleep and a little after she did just that.

She still hasn't told me to come to her to the US even once. OK.

This BD (two days ago) was perhaps the loneliest BD in my entire life. Aside from my parents and brother only the Mgirl congratulated me with it. And I don't quite count her in since she did that only after I reminded her about it.

On Sunday brother picked me up and took me and grandma to the dacha. Mom wasn't exactly happy for many reasons, firstly, we came late, secondly, after arriving brother spent at least 20 minutes in the garage while we were all waiting for him to start dinner, thirdly, it had turned out he had to return back to the city the same day. Also he had bought a little more than required.

The truth was he had texted parents in advance about his morning errants and the need to go back but father for some reasons didn't pay attention to that SMS and mom was unaware about anything. So, for at least two hours mom was snarling at brother for the lack of information because if she had known about everything she would have gone to the city herself. In the end brother found the text at dad's smartphone and mom understood he wasn't guilty. Yet she justifiably reprimanded him for the fact that he hadn't called (instead of texting) which would have solved all the issues. She even told that brother had several of his business agreements cancelled due to his inclination towards texting people. Some of them are uncapable of reading SMS'es.

I've had troubles falling asleep for the past four weeks. On Saturday night, before brother took me, I couldn't fall asleep until 10am and then he woke me up at 12pm so I slept for less than two hours. Last night I could only fall asleep at 5am even thought I went to sleep at 2am. Damn.

Oh, and there's a new health issue: there's some strange round spot 1cm in diameter below my belly right below the pubic hair. It appeared out of nowhere overnight, i.e. on Sunday there was nothing, on Monday morning I noticed it.


Kate. I hate Russians even more

I had a chance to meet Kate a week before but it just didn't work out.

I was near her work so I decided to drop in. While I was waiting for her work day to finish I was talking to a woman (a cloakroom attendant) and a security guard. When I first saw Kate walking in a distance from one room to another my heart started beating like crazy and continued so for at least a quarter of a hour. The woman asked me why I had come and I honestly replied that I wanted to ask Kate (without mentioning her name) to replace my SIM card. 45 minutes later Kate finally started walking towards the staff cloak-room. When she was passing me by I said, "Kate!" a little bit louder than my usual speech for she was roughly 5 to 6 meters away and our paths would never cross since the path to the cloak-room was parallel to me. She stopped for just two or three seconds. At first she didn't recognize me (my hair was white and I was also wearing glasses) but when she did, she didn't say a word and kept walking. The cloakroom attendant told me to go down, and wait for her in the streets and that's what I did, but I also crossed the street because I was afraid her husband would be waiting for her. I spent 15 minutes waiting for her to leave the building and then I understood she wouldn't since she absolutely didn't want to see me. I returned to my business. I still love her very much but even 7 years after we last saw each other she still doesn't feel right about me. That's so strange I just have no words. For all intents and purposes she must treat me like a complete stranger and yet she doesn't. I called my friend Dmitry and asked about his opinion but he couldn't say anything aside from the fact that he had recently found himself in a completely similar situation. Women are strange.

The employees of Citilink suck ass. I ordered PC parts along with assembly and after I took the assembled case back home I discovered that the motherboard IO shield was misplaced and 4 USB ports along with an HDMI port were all inaccessible because the shield overlapped them. I brought the case to the store and politely asked to fix the problem. Three days later after the weekend I came back only to discover they they hadn't actually fixed the issue and the shield still slightly overlapped the ports. I became furious, I started cursing loudly. In the RMA department there were only two people, both staff, beside me and no one else. One of them, who had been sitting for quite some time listening to my curses, finally got up and came to me, "Stop shouting, mister! You're in a public place". I wan unmoved. "Hey, guys, you've done a shitty job and I should remain calm and quiet? Are you fucking joking?" He kept insisting that everything was OK: he even put a USB stick into my PC case. I asked him to show me another case and pointed him at the properly mounted shield. He still tried to vindicate the company, "No one asked you to buy such a chip low quality case". I almost shouted back in a feat of anger, "Are you admitting that your company is selling shitty parts?" A little later I added,

- Can't you add a washer (a thin round metal disk with a hole) under the motherboard?
- No, we don't have them.
- Are you saying a company which has an annual turnover over $300M a year doesn't have them or cannot procure them??
- No, we cannot.

I realized talking to them wouldn't change a thing, so I went looking for someone in charge of the shithole (a major PC parts retailer in Russia for fuck's sake). That someone was the director of sales, a woman, her name was Olga. Together we went back to the RMA department where I showed her the shitty job the repair people had done. Only when she started talking about a refund, the senior RMA guy told me they would fix the problem for good. A day later I got a properly assembled PC case. What the fuck?

One day I went for a walk to the nearest park. Since, as usual, we had nothing to eat, I went to the Blinnaya (that doesn't happen too often - maybe once per year or two however I visit McDonald's far more often). In a queue there was a woman in her 60s with her granddaughter, who was coughing with an open mouth while standing right to the opposite of the place where the staff was cooking pancakes. I leaned towards the woman's ear and whispered, "Have you ever taught your granddaughter to put a hand over her mouth while coughing?" You can't even imagine what she answered quite loudly, "My granddaughter's cough is dry". WTF?!! I started openly discussing this issue with her while a lot of people turned their heads to us and started listening. Anyways, in spite of my preaching the woman just couldn't care less and even blamed me for pointing out this non-issue. I fucking hate Russians. Almost every time when I commute in public transport (in that case I go as far as possible away from such a fucker) or use an electric train to get to the dacha (I change the car) someone is coughing without covering their mouth. What a fucking disgrace.

I've had a slightly unpleasant feeling in my throat for the past 2 months already. I really dislike it. Maybe it's yet another relapse of the EBV infection but it has never lasted so long before. Also I've had a weird backache for at least two weeks. Damn, I've got a feeling I'm falling apart, decaying and dying all at once.

Miscellaneous stuff

I'm a bad person and everyone knows that. For the past a month and a half I've been to the dacha just twice and I avoided going there last Sunday because the weather was simply shit - it was just 5C and it was snowing and raining at the time when I had to leave for the train. Five weeks ago when I went there I had a chance to spend some time hugging mom and touching her skin. I guess we spent a little over half an hour sitting on a bench under the rays of Sun. She wore a coat. It was quite chilly, I guess around 10C. That was a painful experience in a way that once again I had realized how fragile she had become. She looked like she weighed 40 kilograms and her skin was made of something so light and thin, a burst of wind could strip her skinless. And she shuffled like she had barely any strength left. When I came back home to the city I just couldn't fall asleep until maybe 10am in the morning and then slept until 1 or 2pm. As I'm writing this I've broken into tears. What a pathetic stupid lazy creature I am - more than smart to have emigrated years ago to take mom abroad with me yet I'm still here mourning her awful state of health. Fucking miserable retard.

There are no good doctors to help mom and the Internet barely has any relevant information about her diagnosis. Most of the things that must be done under her condition she's never been told to do (I mean tests like a skin scrape microscopy). I asked mom to take several blood tests but she ignored me (general test, biochemistry, immune system status, etc).

There were two more similar almost sleepless nights afterwards though I cannot attribute them to anything that has happened to me recently.

For the past two weeks Maria and I have slept in our bed together maybe once or twice for I cannot fall asleep in our bedroom any longer: the wallpapers are completely white so at 3am the room is already getting lit with the light from the outside and also there are two fucking birds in the trees next to this apartment house. Those fuckers start signing their marital songs approximately at 12am long before I go to bed (around 2-3am lately). So when I come to Maria to join her in her sleep I'm attacked with light and loud sounds and I just cannot fall asleep for my brains are way too easily excited. Our sexual life is more or less nonexistent aside from two instances of sex roughly three and four days ago - both times it was strictly for me I presume and obviously she didn't come.

I had a feat of anger on Sunday, though I didn't shout or anything. Last week Maria came home past 1am three times(!) and twice she was slightly drunk(!). First, it was he ex'es birthday, followed by the birthday party of her brother's significant other. The third time I just don't remember now. And on Saturday night she didn't come back home after going cycling with her ex. Abso-fucking-lutely unbelievable. Only once she had warned me in advance that she would be late. God.

Anyways, back to Sunday. She decided to cook pasta and like always she put it into the boiling water and ... left the kitchen. The pieces of pasta of course stuck together and Maria perfectly knows I don't like when it's cooked this way ("cooked", my ass, there's nothing here to cook - just stir the pasta twice after throwing it in the water). Anyways, I ate it even though my face clearly showed that I didn't enjoy the experience. Maria made a perfect excuse, "I've cooked a real pasta - you must have never eaten it".

Then she decided to cook meat brought from her home. She threw it in the boiling water, didn't close the pan lid, went to her room and closed the door. I could have reduced the natural gas flow and put the lid back on while leaving a small orifice (for steam) but I decided not to to teach her a lesson once and for all. I went for a walk in the part and when I got back an hour later the water had fully evaporated and the meat had turned into coals. The apartment was full of very unpleasantly smelling smoke aside from her room for she was there forgetful of her cooking.

I started reprimanding her. I recalled everything bad that I could have recalled for the past time.

The fact that she doesn't spend any spare time with me; that she comes home very late while being drunk; that she doesn't study English at all even though she's leaving in two weeks; that she is concealing everything from me (she had even hidden herself from me in Telegram); that she doesn't give a fuck about cooking (not that I ask her to cook at all nowadays - no, I gave up on that months ago) - and doesn't want to dedicate even two minutes of her life to it; that my mom's happy we're not married since she won't be able to repay our American friend who lent her $2,5K; that she's leaving me and she'll find a husband in the US and she'll never get back and something more I don't remember now. More importantly during all the time she was completely quiet without saying a word even though I kept asking her to talk to me. The scolding began after she went to the kitchen while first trying to salvage some of the meat (she actually ate a bit of it) and then secondly trying to clean the pan. I told her to stop and then after she went to the bathroom I again started asking her to apologize, "Maria, just tell me you're sorry". In the end it was the only thing she had very quietly uttered. Then in a feat of hysteria she started beating my left shoulder with her hands for at least a minute while I was standing still. When she was out of breath she returned to her room. My left hand from the shoulder to the elbow was red and it was aching.

A few minutes later I came into her room I said perhaps my final sentence, "We both remember why you left me - it was because I had scolded you perhaps too much and too many times and in a number of cases it happened in the public which you hate so much and maybe I wasn't even right to begin with. Yet, now I am fully aware that you definitely deserved a good chunk of the reprimands".

Before she fell asleep I went to her room, joined her in bed and hugged her from behind. She told me, "I hate cooking". "OK, no problem", I replied. "I will come back from the US - I promise", she added. "Don't promise it", I contradicted kindly and then she fell asleep. I also tried to fall asleep but two hours later when I understood I couldn't I went back to our big room where I'd been sleeping for the past two weeks. The big room has a balcony with an extra layer of glass which significantly reduces the volume of birds singing which allows me to fall asleep easier.

Yesterday it was the first time I started crying because of her impending departure. She doesn't want me to go to the US at all, and the prospect of staying alone with a real possibility of her dumping me forever is starting killing me again. I'll soon be turning 0x24, I feel alone and I have no children and that's killing my mom too. She doesn't say it, but she wants grandchildren and there's just nothing. Brother is obsessed with his huge house he'll never finish while mom wants to live a warmer place and have toddlers to play with and take care of. My supplications so that she went to Sochi and stayed there for good just don't work even in the face of her awful disease which doesn't allow her to sleep. Fucking hell.


A few updates

In an unexpected turn of events I've gone to bed around 12:30am for the past three days which is something extraordinary that hasn't happened for the past six years, aside from my trip to the US.

A bit disconcerting though is that yesterday after I came back home from the hospital I had a very strange mind slip. It all happened when I went to our bedroom to open the vent pane in the window. Maria wasn't at home, for she had left earlier, but for a second I clearly imagined she was laying on our bed, but she was so quiet I hadn't noticed that. I checked the bed and then bent down to the floor to check under the bed as well. She wasn't there. When I was falling asleep I was thinking about this accident and I was scared. Let's hope it's not an onset of schizophrenia.

Yesterday I went to the hospital in order to find out why my knee joints had been aching intermittently for the past year, recently joined by ankle joints. The surgeon I came to visit told me he wasn't the right doctor for my case and asked me to appoint a date with a rheumatologist. Also I inquired about the sharp pain in my chest which I'd had a week ago. It was actually so intense I fell on the floor and started screaming for every unintended movement of my cage caused me a lot of pain. Maria wanted to call an ambulance but I refused. The internet and the surgeon both said it's intercostal neuralgia, and he told me to visit a pretty useless neurologist. Yeah, I vividly remember how I visited at least four of them when I had an extreme headache 'caused by a lack of blood flow due to some problems with my neck (all ultimately caused by the excessive time I spend in front of PC).

Roughly a week ago two things happened in a quick succession. One day Maria came back from the bank where she needed to make a money transfer to the company which helps her with her work and travel application. It turned out in the bank she had asked the wrong questions and consecutively received the wrong answers and the net result is that she had spent more than she actually needed and she had been issued a debit card in the process. I gave her a hard time ("vynesti mozg") by telling her the usual things about her character: that she is extremely shy with people whereas she is often mean and she shouts at me, that she is afraid to be persistent and ask people direct questions, etc. etc. etc. My reprimands actually didn't last long (maybe ten minutes most) but then, went I left her and went to the large room, I realized she was too quiet. I silently came back and found her sleeping. I knew what I'd said would have dire consequences so I went to the refrigerator to grab an unfinished bottle of good European dry white wine I'd bought a few days earlier. The bottle wasn't there. I quickly realized Maria had drunk it all (a half of it) and she was sleeping tight, because she was out.

Now I don't remember it clearly but probably the same day we called a cab and drove to a hookah café where she smoked hookah, ordered a tiny set of (Japanese) rolls and a teapot. We spent there roughly two hours. She was seemingly happy and content and she dirty kissed me a lot (all the tables in the café had semitransparent curtains so no one could clearly see what we were doing). Actually it was the first time ever we went to a café in our 4.5 years (minus half a year) that we've spent together.

On the 8th of April mom came to the city to see me, to feed me (with some very tasty kotlety and fried flatfish) and to spend time with me. We spent together roughly 3,5 hours. By that time I hadn't been to the dacha for at least two months already. Now everyone can blame me for being estranged and not visiting my parents regularly, but a week prior to the meeting with mom I was standing at the threshold ready to go to the dacha when she called me and dissuaded from coming to the dacha yet again for their canalization system didn't work. It wasn't the first time she was telling me this and this is exactly the reason why I had been avoiding going to the dacha for so long. Maybe she was just playing along all the time, since she perfectly knows that I don't find it extremely gratifying going to the dacha.

I gave Maria 35K rubles last month, now this month she is even cockier: 3K for a spring coat (yesterday), 1K for jeans (Familia, two weeks ago), 3K for two beauty related procedures for her face, 1K for the café = 8K out of my measly salary of 35K. Also I spent 5K fixing my friend/boss's laptop. He paid me 37K last month, so technically he "owes" me just 3K. Dunno if he'll remember to reimburse me but I don't really care. Without him I'd be jobless.

The bottom line is that out of 32K for the last month, I've already spent 8K, not including buying food, and I haven't paid for my apartment for the past three (!) months which means I owe at least 8K for it. Dunno if I have enough money to cover this month. Luckily I have a little over one bitcoin but I don't want to spend it since some people reckon it will be worth $3K by the end of this year, vs. $1,2K recently.

And the only pair of jeans that I have, have some many holes under my nuts, I'm ashamed to wear them :(

Mom's not really getting better

Mom was enthusiastic yesterday when we talked, yet during our today's phone call she admitted that she hadn't really got better. And since brother had to leave for work earlier this morning, she'd made an injection herself and she missed the right spot and now she barely feels one of her legs, because the medicine she injects is very strong and sometimes causes a (temporary?) paralysis. I asked if she wanted me to come today but she said to come at the weekend.

Yesterday she said two more things that I'd forgotten to mention. She weighs 47kg and she scratched her skin so much it started bleeding. Poor mom, fucking me. It all would have been averted if I had taken her somewhere long ago. And dad has been living either in the city apartment or grandma's apartment for the past few weeks - he cannot see mom's suffering.

I met brother on Monday (to settle the debt for natural gas) and he was nervous as hell.

I went to bed at 4.10am and I couldn't fall asleep till 6 in the morning. At 12pm the alarm woke me up. It's the second night I've slept separately from Maria. It's time to go to work ASAP.

Cannot breathe

Mom called me roughly at 5pm earlier today and we talked for 80 minutes straight. Her condition is best described as being barely alive. She's got atopic dermatitis ALL OVER her body, alone with some very serious infection which causes mucopurulent discharge from ears and even eyes. Brother has made injections of some very potent antibiotic for the past seven days and mom told last night had been the first night she had managed to sleep for just three hours during the past ... thirty days. OMFG! I would have died already if I hadn't slept for seven days in a row, yet she had managed to stay alive for a month without sleep at all. Her atopic dermatitis causes an extreme itch which precludes her from falling asleep. I tried hard to persuade her to go to Sochi as soon as fucking possible but mom said she was OK there, even though we perfectly know it's the house she lives in which is killing her. It might not be the house, but the complications from her existing ailments or the fact that both brother and I aren't exactly in a best possible situation or the fact that he's basically jobless, and that we have no families or children, or that she cannot even entertain a thought of me taking her to some warm foreign countries. Another reason mom doesn't want to go to Sochi with dad is because she believes parents should follow their children, not the other way around. I told her if they went there, brother would follow them since he had no choice but mom wasn't moved. She's attached to us, yet brother is not willing to abandon the house he's spent a lot of his health and resources to build. And he cannot even sell it for the amount of money he's invested (over USD 105K at the current exchange rate).

Maria is not exactly supportive either. Every two-three days we have arguments, sometimes she gets angry for me speaking the truth about her. I am afraid to lose mom a million times more that I'm afraid to lose her, 'cause mom actually loves me, and this girl mostly loves herself, not to mention that sometimes I feel like she's an autist since she lacks empathy, almost never greets me when she comes back home from the university, she never hugs me and I've forgotten the last time she kissed me with affection. In fact I don't remember the last time she kissed me at all. Probably before we went to the USA? At the same time she shouts at me or/and she is angry at me way too often. Sometimes I feel like it's a daily occurrence. I'm thankful that she put up new wallpapers in our bedroom, but aside from that her stuff and clothes are lying all around the apartment yet she cleans it maybe once a month. The other 29-30 days it's a mess. It's a tad better in the kitchen where she clears the table once a week.

When I came home today with tears in my eyes and hid in the kitchen, since I felt like she was angry once again, she came to me and we talked. First Maria asked me to go to the dacha tomorrow, then she told me to grab mom and take her to Sochi whether she wanted it or not. I told Maria mom was barely alive and her condition and remaining injections do not allow for any relocation at the moment.

For a moment on my way home I thought of asking Eugenia to text Kate to tell her that I sorely miss her and love her. Then I realized it was a completely stupid and insane idea. Perhaps Kate doesn't even remember my name any more. I'm joking. Jokes aside I'm positively sure I'm a complete stranger for her.

Weird memory issues

First it was the conditioner I left in the bus roughly a week ago, yesterday it was just a short memory lapse, which looked more like a blackout: after she came (which took quite an effort from me because she hadn't been aroused prior to the act) we both went to the bathroom and when we returned and laid in bed I just couldn't remember what had just happened. I couldn't remember whether I had come as well or not. Logically I came to conclusion that I hadn't but that scared the shit out of me, cause it was a logical restoration of the previous events - my memory didn't contain the information I was trying hard to remember.

We slept in different rooms for three days in a row, except last night, because of two reasons. Firstly, my sleeping regime is still largely fucked up and I still go to bed at 3-4-5am in the morning while she goes around 12am, so whenever I finish my night computer time I stay in the same room and don't go to her room (our bedroom) not to wake her up. Secondly, I got royally offended on Sunday night, because at midnight I went to the Line mall and at that time she was already in bed. I thought she would fall asleep. When I came back she wasn't sleeping. I spend 15 minutes more at the PC and at 1:20am I came to her room. She shouted at me and acted offensive for 10 minutes straight, saying I didn't let her sleep. She couldn't explain why she hadn't fallen asleep while I was out. She couldn't explain why she hadn't fallen asleep before I went to the mall. Anyways, she finished with her idiotic accusations and fell asleep. I had a terrible headache (due to sitting for prolonged periods of time - my blood flow is worsened) and my prostate was aching as well. To add insult to injury Maria loves to occupy my half of our bed (1.6m (!) wide for fuck's sake), thus leaving me with almost no space to lay on and of course no space at all to move my limbs or revolve. That was what had happened again. She left with me with no space, I felt a lot of pain, so I just took my blanket, my tiny pillow and went to our large room where the PC is stationed.

Next day in Telegram I tried hard to make her apologize by describing everything that had happened the night before and even though she finally did, also on Telegram, she never came to me to hug me, to kiss me or to give me any sense of love or affection or the understanding of her royal meanness towards me. Close to midnight I was so emotionally devastated I drank 200ml of wine mom gave me during her BD, felt relived and went to bed alone.

Even though I promised not to finance Maria's work and travel application I still gave her 35K rubles which left me with just 8K of cash till the rest of this month. Our of this 8K, 6K was for Helen's previous smartphone which I sold a few days ago. Which means Helen owes me 16K more because even though we agreed I would sell her my Huawei for 21K, I won't tell her her previous smartphone netted me 6K, I'll say I sold it for 5K.

Recently I made calculations in regard to our time in the US. Oops, they are at my enc rypted Linux partition. Gonna update this post later to include them.

Last week I finished a single player campaign of Battlefield 1, CPY edition (nope I didn't buy this game, nor I intend to). It was strictly meh. It took me roughly six to eight hours to complete it - don't remember exactly.

Also I started playing Heroes of Might & Magic V: Hammers of Fate but since there were no working trainers for it I gave up. I perfectly can play it on normal but sometimes I'm just too lazy to explore the entire map turn by turn.


The second smartphone off

Luckily I've sold the second smartphone which I bought in the US on last Black Friday. I sold it for mere 18.5K rubles which will hopefully translate into just ~ $310 (tomorrow when I exchange it) which means I earned almost nothing by buying it in the US and shipping it here. This is the last time I'm trying to earn money this way. Either it must be a super popular device like SGS 7 or iPhone or I shouldn't do that.

Now that I've sold both smartphones I'm thinking of purchasing ZTE Axon 7 from China but I'm a tad hesitant due to two reasons: firstly, it has a year old SoC (Snapdragon 820), secondly its camera sucks completely even though it sports 21MP. Even two years old Moto X Pure Edition has a better camera. Cheap snapdragon 835 devices will not enter the market in the next six months and my Nexus 5 is almost dead (the battery can keep it up only for four hours tops, without any connectivity, GPS or anything) and the screen totally sucks (it's very dim) after the botched repair by a shitty service company.

Mom's birthday was on Sunday and everything was silky smooth, without any arguments or anything like that. Mom, dad, brother and grandma were present. Mom had made three salads, very tasty kotlety made of pork and chicken meat and a wonderful cake except it had a sour cream which I didn't quite like. Also, she'd made a wonderful kompot only with dried apricots and prunes and without any sugar, yet it was more than sweet. Grandma was very weak and she couldn't even put her boots on. She spent three hours with us and then brother drove her to her apartment. Then he drove us to the train station from which I went home, and parents departed for the dacha.

Maria and I haven't had any rows for the past three days which is unheard of. She hasn't even been trying to nag/bust my balls ("pilit") which is kinda amazing. We had sex on Saturday and I want to start logging our intercourses for they have become exceedingly rare. However she's just returned from the BD of her female friend and she's bitchy and discontented as always.

Maria and I had at least four hard consecutive days last week during which she was nasty and bitchy and we didn't even sleep together (I don't mean sex, I mean normal sleep), and during one of those days I bought her a Syoss conditioner which I consequently left/lost in the bus in which I was getting home. That sucks. Either it's an onset of Alzheimer's or I just slept very little during those days (that's actually true as I went to bed roughly at 5-6-7am and slept until 11am-12pm at most). The reason Maria hated me more than usual is that I was playing PC games. I finished Far Cry 3 and actually liked it. I also tried playing Far Cry Blood Dragon for a few hours but then I understood the entire game is during night time so I gave up on it. I don't want to fuck my eyes so much.

Last Thursday Eugenia called me and we talked for almost forty minutes. Mostly it was her talking about her life, work (she doesn't know where to work and she doesn't want to be a shop girl at the drug store any more), children, husband, plans for the future, etc. etc. etc. As usual I tried to convince her to leave her city which is no less shitty than the one I live in. There are a few tidbits which are absolutely worth mentioning.

Firstly, Eugenia admitted that Kate (let's stop calling her "K." because it doesn't make any sense any more - her name is Katherine, so I will simply call her Kate from now on) was the one who persuaded her to ... dump me for at least half a year and ultimately it was the reason Eugenia dumped me. Kate said I was a bad person for Eugenia, because I liked to stay at home (not actually true - I'm just lazy to go out), I didn't quite look after myself, i.e. I didn't dress properly, was often unshaven, etc. etc. etc. Wow. Also, Eugenia admitted she was quite content with our life together and she regretted she had left me. Wow, wow, wow.

Secondly, the reason Kate finally dumped me was because I didn't meet her demands in regard to being a person who's willing to achieve a lot in his life. Kate has recently become a careerist, she wants to look good and dress well, to have a well paid job, to have a husband she's really proud of. She didn't see that in me.

Eugenia added that Kate had stopped being a true friend for her and often ignored or even broke the promises she'd made. I was astonished to hear that and tried to argue that I couldn't recognize the person Kate had become but Eugenia reassured me that Kate had always been like that - I just didn't notice that when we were together.

Lastly, and this tidbit brought a moment of malicious joy to my mind, Eugenia told me about their final meeting when Kate along with her husband and child came to visit Eugenia. The child picked up something heavy from the floor and thrown it into the cupboard and almost broke its glass door. Eugenia asked Kate why she hadn't given the child a proper upbringing and Kate answered that her child was allowed anything he pleased. That freaked Eugenia out and when Kate left, Eugenia's husband told her he never wanted to see Kate's family in their apartment. I told Eugenia I fully supported his decision.

Why the malicious joy? That's because I believe children should understand the limits of the allowed. At the age of 2-3 they probe the world to understand what their parents allow and you should be firm in explaining and setting the limits. My cousin had the same problem when he was little - he threw anything he could find at me, and one day he even threw an actual brick at me - luckily he missed. That cost him an intense flogging from his now deceased father.

Roughly three weeks ago Maria started writing down every time she cooked something for me on a list of paper attached to the refrigerator. Strangely she gave up on it a week ago, even though four days ago she made a wonderful salad (boiled potatoes, boiled eggs, pickled cucumbers with sausage and something else) and yesterday she fried minced meat and made pasta. Why the list and all the trouble? Dunno. We had a rough time together at that time and probably she wanted to prove to me she was worth something and I don't just give her money for nothing. Yeah, four days ago I gave her 3,5K rubles for the upcoming International Women's Day. A tad more than usual but a dozen times less than she wants.

She wants to go to the US this summer as a member of work and travel. I will not give her anything this time because the whole affair costs around $2000 and if I give her the actual money there's a risk she won't do anything at all in the US and I don't want that. I want her to reimburse whoever she manages to borrow it from. The only issue is whether I will follow her or not. If I go there's zero chance I will find any well paid job and the cost of living in the US, including the flight, is just too high to my taste. I'm looking at the very least $1200 for two months (without the cost of rent or $2200 in total) and that's insane given my salary.


A small relief

Elena who I've known for almost 20 years have taken/bought one of the phones I bought in the US over two months ago. I won't get the money right away, it will be her husband who'll pay me, but still I will get it and that's a relief. Over two months that I've been trying to sell it via Avito only five people called me and one came for it, but after unpacking we found out that the phone doesn't support two SIM cards and the deal went kaput which made me feel extremely bad and sad. Once I even had a dream about trying to sell this phone.

So, now I have another one which only one person has been interested in and I've got a feeling I will start using it until someone will buy it (for a smaller price of course).