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I'm back from the dacha. Mom was unusually quiet today and didn't talk much which is really unlike her. She felt sorry that I decided not to go to Turkey and also felt sorry that I didn't love myself. Firstly, it's naturally Turkey, when my gf has been having fun for three months already, and secondly, she was more than right, at the moment I don't even have summer or fall boots: the sneakers I bought in the US are barely suitable for anything because their midsoles are totally worn out and the right shoe of my fall boots which I bought 2 or 3 years ago has a whole on the right side, i.e. the seam between the leather and the outsole raptured.

As always she shuffled her legs and looked somewhat lifeless. She noticed that I looked pale and that's true because I slept for 6 and 7 hours during the past two nights (or should I say mornings?). I lied that I'd slept enough but she seemingly didn't buy.

Yesterday I actually went to bed around 2:15am, but then Maria decided to chat with me via Telegram and we kept chatting until 5:20am, when I finally said "I give up" and fell asleep. During these three hours I tried hard to convince her to go to Hollywood for casting. She kept giving all sorts of petty unsubstantial excuses (like age, height and even ... weight) none of which were really true or mattered. Then she added that it was me who deprived her of willpower, it was me who made her a bitter realist and many things like this one.

Mom gave me 600 grams of excellent cottage cheese and a small bucket of local apples which are suitable for eating only after you bake them in a microwave oven. Since the bucket was somewhat heavy (I guess no more than 5kg), yet brother got onto his bicycle, took the bucket and drove next to me when I was going to the train station. We talked about all sorts of things up until my train came, and then brother quickly told me that mom hadn't slept for the past two nights at all and that he would be grateful if I found how her eczema could be treated.

I was numb in the train. And now I'm crying. Fuck. It is all so fucking wrong.


As it has happened many times already in my life I procrastinated cashing out my salary which I receive in some non-fiat currency up until today and even today I looked at exchanges for far too long which cost me extra lost money. So, out of six hundred dollars (at the current exchange rate - my salary is calculated in rubles) that Ars pays me for doing nothing I managed to get only half a grand. That's a total bummer. Fuck!! During the entire summer I was thinking about going to Turkey before Maria gets back and now I feel really uneasy about this decision because, like I've already mentioned (or maybe not), a 13 nights tour to Turkey costs from $725 (!) which is just too fucking expensive considering a hundred dollars lost due to my sheer stupidity and procrastination.

Conversely a month and a half ago I cashed my salary out immediately instead of waiting and then lost (or better say didn't additionally get) 100% of it because that non-fiat currency increased its price twofold. Fuck that currency. Now it's falling like a rock and I have roughly 1.75 units of it saved (three past uncached out salaries). So the current downward trend has already cost me over $2.7K. At the apex of it I could have made $8.5K and now it's worth is only $5.7 and it's melting away. Bummers, bummers, bummers.

Today was a beautiful warm (!) day, over 22C in fact and I haven't left the apartment for a sec. What an idiot. Let's go for a walk right fucking now. Yeah, in the middle of the night, at 2:30am.


*** CHECK ME *** Literally falling apart

I've had problems with my skin in too many places for 10 years now and as it wasn't enough, three weeks ago I discovered that a small round spot which is located 3cm under the left eye and 2 cm to the left of the nose has a strange, rough and hard nature. I promptly started scratching it, thinking it was temporary. Well, it kinda healed and the spot seemingly become larger, almost a 1cm in diameter. I scratched it again so much I had bloody little spots underneath. It mostly healed again and on Sunday I tried something different: I took a piece of cotton, dipped it in raw medical spirit and started methodically wiping the bad spot. Underneath the layer I removed was my skin, purple and bumpy. So, seemingly, the outer layer of my skin is wrong. It's either infected with something nasty (we already have quite a lot of microorganisms living on top of our skin) which my immune system is unable to destroy, or I have some internal disease which manifests itself in worsened abilities of my skin to regenerate properly, or something else. I'm not a doctor. Or, and there's this tiny bad spot under my left eye brow which appeared two days ago.

What were the other problematic places? The two front spots where my feet are visually attached to my legs and where they bend (roughly 1.5x4cm). An oblong spot on the right side of my left foot (roughly 3x1cm). A small round spot on my left hand ring finger on the outer side of the proximal phalanx roughly 1cm in diameter. And there's an equal in size (though it looks worse because I frequently scratch it and it looks awful after that) bad spot on my right hand index finger on the same phalanx, albeit on its outer left side.

Two weeks ago my friend Ars, who has employed me since March, 2016, hired a new support person to our tiny company. For some reasons back then I was sure that meant there was nothing left to do for me and it took Ars half an hour walk with me to reassure me that I was still employed but my responsibilities might change. OK, I ate it but deep inside I was mihty frightened.

Come last week I suddenly decided Ars no longer needed me at all and I stopped opening my laptop (which I primarily use to work - a copy of its Linux partition is also on my PC but I usually try not to reboot into it). That lasted from Monday to Thursday. Thursday evening Ars called me while I was walking in the park. No, it started differently. We had a chat in Skype/Telegram and I basically said I was out because I wasn't needed any longer. Then I disabled Wi-Fi on my smartphone, enabled flight mode and went for a walk to the nearest park. Half an hour later I thought that I had to disable flight mode and a little later I received an SMS which said that Ars had called me three times. I texted him saying that I was indeed out and everything was fine. We texted each other several more times but then I simply called him. We decided to meet in the office next day. Come Friday I came to work at 12:30, having slept less than 5 hours, because my regime is totally fucked up. At first I said I wouldn't talk and only listen to what Ars would say but then we had a normal friendly conversation and Ars told me that he needed several people answering tickets because it would improve our waiting time. Since I almost never answered tickets on weekends the best I could manage was 16 hours first response time which is kinda bad (though Zendesk says the average for other organizations is something like 20 hours). Anyways, his reasoning was that I wasn't the most reliable person and at times this first response time increased up to ... 65 hours. Also we decided that starting last week we would answer tickets even on weekends.

I have skipped going to the dacha twice in a row now. My mom's not getting better, and neither am I.

I feel like my throat has healed though and I don't have this lightning striking feeling in my right hand, so at least some things have become better.

Maria is such a long story I don't want to mention her at the moment. It will take an hour or two to describe her stay in the US and her helplessness. And it wasn't always caused by her nonexistent English.

Ars paid me as usual for August and I missed caching out my salary. Now I'm looking at at least 1,5K rubles lost. Also, since Maria decided to have fun on her own in Florida and waste a ton of money in a process, I decided to go to Turkey also by myself. Too bad, a few hours ago I checked the prices for tours to Turkey and 13 days in a 4 stars hotel start at staggering 44K ($930). I don't understand what the fuck is going on. Mom told me Turkey is cheap this year and it turns out it's nothing but cheap, specially considering that I checked the prices for the second half of September.

My crazy visions stopped roughly half a year ago. That's a relief. Almost. One thing I've been always forgetting to mention is that I've had another sort of craziness going on unabated for the past 2-3 years. Every few weeks while I'm in bed trying to fall asleep I have a panic attack (lasting from a minute to a few minutes - it's hard to say). Once or twice on such occasions I tried to contact a girl named Helene who visited me twice after Maria left me. Usually I just crave for someone to be close to me. Dunno if I'm going mad or my psyche is just too tired of being all alone. My mind keeps thinking about Maria dumping me once again, this time for good 'cause she's getting to that age when women start thinking hard about starting a family and having children. Considering my shaky health, shaky employment she might dump me any time. Especially now that she's in the US seeing successful American guys every day.

We had no summer this year aside from one, just one (!) warm week in August. It's now +4C outside. During the day it was just +6C, not that I went outdoors at all. Perhaps I will now, even though it's 2:46 in the morning.

Yesterday I went to bed at 2:15am and I couldn't fall asleep until 3:30am. Then I took my smartphone and spent two hours doing what I don't remember now. Oh, I was looking for a way to have Chrome browser start in Incognito Mode by default. Two months ago I achieved that in LineageOS 14/Android 7 by long pressing Chrome's launch icon and creating a new launcher icon. However no Nougat (Android 7) launcher that I tried last night could extract this action. What a bummer.

The real reason I couldn't fall asleep was due to my uncached-out bitcoins. I set the alarm clock for 6am because that would be 9am in Beijing and they could have announced the closure of their exchanges and my salary would shrink even further :(. By 7:30am in the morning I finally fell asleep without this devastating news. As I've mentioned already I've already lost at least 1.5K due to bitcoin "correction" (what a retarded name for the loss of value) after the rumor on Friday. Fuck my life.

This post needs to be grammar checked but I'll do that later. Edit 2017-09-17 23:11:43: couldn't find any errors.


Infuriated beyond words

Today I've discovered that ffmpeg, which I've always used to process videos, significantly reduces the quality of video when performing downscaling. WTF?? Downscaling which ideally should be flawless! In order to preserve hard disk drive space I've downscaled at least five dozen videos and now I realize that they are all flawed and I don't have the originals any longer. Fuck! I'm royally upset.

Edit 2017-08-09 17:20:03: Yesterday (or was it today's morning?) I talked for almost two hours with ffmpeg developers at their IRC channel. I figured ffmpeg was not guilty and something was wrong with my video player. Then I checked my mplayer configuration and discovered an option which kills video quality even when mplayer doesn't scale video. What a relief.

My sleeping regime is once again totally fucked up. During the past two days I went to bed past 6am. What an idiot. Every time when I do that I give myself a promise that I will never go to bed past 12am and I always break it.

Two of my fingers are still royally fucked up - I guess I need to see a neurologist or neurosurgeon.

Everything's wrong

Mom looks bad and almost shuffles her feet while walking in the house. She weighs just 46 kilograms while the normal weight for her age and height is at least ten kilograms more. This has been her state of health for the past several months. Her eczema returned a week ago (not sure it ever left her) even though she's been on a very stringent diet for the past two months and the weather recently has become manageable. Mom rubs some whitish ointment in but it barely helps her.

This is what happened when I last went to the dacha last Sunday. I offered her all my money (roughly seven G's) so that she flew to Germany and could be properly and thoroughly examined and she promptly turned down my offer by saying "We have the money". "Time, mom, time is all that matters!" I'm silently screaming at my monitor right now. And I'm crying and howling too. My face all in tears.

Like always she cooked delicious things for me. This time it was kotlety made from chicken and pig meat and a lot of other stuff. She loves me to no end against the loser who I am. She was the only person there since brother and dad had drove off to my grandma's village because her house needed maintenance after all the floods that had befell this region recently. The weather this summer is pure shit - we've never had such a poor harvest of garden strawberry - it's three times less than the average and at least 20 times less than what we had the summer before. Blame the fucking cold weather, and crazy amounts of precipitation. This summer has been awful so far, save for a few warm days.

Before I left her I hugged her and that was a soul crunching experience, pardon my language. She had no fat underneath her skin, just muscles and bones. The skin on her arms is folded because there's no fat underneath and her muscles have lost their volume. She looks like an Auschwitz prisoner. On my way to a train I broke into tears.

I have troubles falling asleep. My sleeping regime is once again fucked up. After Maria departed me for America in the middle of June I briefly managed to go to to bed circa 2-3am and recently I've started going to bed past 4am. It's now 5:08am and I wanted to go to bed at least three hours ago but then I had to help Maria with her work in the US (she cannot say two words in English) and now I'm writing this diary entry. The previous one will be left empty for a little longer.

My health is fucked up again. 1) My backache has returned. 2) The little and ring fingers from the right hand have felt numb (or should I say I feel electricity in them?) for the past five days at least - I've found out that it's most likely due to the nerves in my neck being squeezed by something - either muscles or bones. 3) I've had a sore throat (without temperature or anything) and mild pain in both of my ears for the past two weeks - my two attempts to get to a free doctor in a state clinic have failed because the said doctor only works with patients for 8 hours a week (!) and she serves four (!) times less patients than the ones who actually need her help. Last time I waited for 1,5 hours to get to her and when her time ran out I was the 8th (!) in line which meant she didn't have enough time for the eight of us.

I've been thinking about visiting a private clinic but I'm really hesitant since they employ the same doctors and it's not like they have some special instruments to see what's wrong with me. More likely than not they will prescribe some antibiotics and tell me to fuck off. Symptomatic medicine, my arse.

Twice during the past month I've dreamt about Kate. God, a part of my brain still wants her back like crazy. Both dreams were idiotic: she told me she wasn't happy with her husband and she wanted to come back to me. During the first dream everything was moving in the direction of sex but it didn't happen. The second dream was last night and now I don't remember a thing. I just remember that I was happy as a clam to see her. I might be imagining things but probably I woke up with a smile on my face today.

And then two and a half weeks ago I actually shouted at mom. Fucking wretch. Cannot actually do any good for her and myself. A new post is coming. It's been all so fucking sad recently I'm telling everyone about a suicide.

Weird Maria

She came home roughly at 9pm, went straight to bed, and shortly after she started crying as if she had yet another feat of hysteria. WTF? I joined her several times and she hugged me a lot. She couldn't explain her tears aside from "overall I'm feeling bad". In the end just before she fell asleep she admitted that she was afraid of her travel to the US. She would be staying there alone without me or her sister for long 3,5 months. Two gulps of wine and some sedative pill didn't help her.

In the middle of her tears I brought her a meal (freshly cooked pasta (I did it since it was my only normal meal for the day and I knew Maria wouldn't cook me anything) with canned fish) and her reaction was quite off. She shouted something at me with what I felt was animosity. I went to my room, closed the door, and turned on music. In telegram I wrote her a message about my feelings and added this, "I guess I annoy you. Don't worry, in a little time you'll leave me for 3,5 months". She replied, "Stop getting at me" ("ne pili").

Ten minutes later or so I came to her room and reminded her that she had totally forgotten about my BD once again. She asked me to lie in bed with her and then laid close to me with her head on my chest. She had apologized at least five times for her memory and then told me that her dad never remembered about her BD and last time even her mom had forgotten about it. I kept saying that I forgave her. She also uttered, "I love you" at least several times. I replied, "Loving someone means that when you come home you ask them if they are hungry or whether they have gone outside", hinting at the fact that when she came back today I was hungry and I hadn't left the apartment and I needed some fresh air. Seemingly she hadn't heard or fully understood these words so I just kept stroking, calming her down and telling her to fall asleep and a little after she did just that.

She still hasn't told me to come to her to the US even once. OK.

This BD (two days ago) was perhaps the loneliest BD in my entire life. Aside from my parents and brother only the Mgirl congratulated me with it. And I don't quite count her in since she did that only after I reminded her about it.

On Sunday brother picked me up and took me and grandma to the dacha. Mom wasn't exactly happy for many reasons, firstly, we came late, secondly, after arriving brother spent at least 20 minutes in the garage while we were all waiting for him to start dinner, thirdly, it had turned out he had to return back to the city the same day. Also he had bought a little more than required.

The truth was he had texted parents in advance about his morning errants and the need to go back but father for some reasons didn't pay attention to that SMS and mom was unaware about anything. So, for at least two hours mom was snarling at brother for the lack of information because if she had known about everything she would have gone to the city herself. In the end brother found the text at dad's smartphone and mom understood he wasn't guilty. Yet she justifiably reprimanded him for the fact that he hadn't called (instead of texting) which would have solved all the issues. She even told that brother had several of his business agreements cancelled due to his inclination towards texting people. Some of them are uncapable of reading SMS'es.

I've had troubles falling asleep for the past four weeks. On Saturday night, before brother took me, I couldn't fall asleep until 10am and then he woke me up at 12pm so I slept for less than two hours. Last night I could only fall asleep at 5am even thought I went to sleep at 2am. Damn.

Oh, and there's a new health issue: there's some strange round spot 1cm in diameter below my belly right below the pubic hair. It appeared out of nowhere overnight, i.e. on Sunday there was nothing, on Monday morning I noticed it.


Kate. I hate Russians even more

I had a chance to meet Kate a week before but it just didn't work out.

I was near her work so I decided to drop in. While I was waiting for her work day to finish I was talking to a woman (a cloakroom attendant) and a security guard. When I first saw Kate walking in a distance from one room to another my heart started beating like crazy and continued so for at least a quarter of a hour. The woman asked me why I had come and I honestly replied that I wanted to ask Kate (without mentioning her name) to replace my SIM card. 45 minutes later Kate finally started walking towards the staff cloak-room. When she was passing me by I said, "Kate!" a little bit louder than my usual speech for she was roughly 5 to 6 meters away and our paths would never cross since the path to the cloak-room was parallel to me. She stopped for just two or three seconds. At first she didn't recognize me (my hair was white and I was also wearing glasses) but when she did, she didn't say a word and kept walking. The cloakroom attendant told me to go down, and wait for her in the streets and that's what I did, but I also crossed the street because I was afraid her husband would be waiting for her. I spent 15 minutes waiting for her to leave the building and then I understood she wouldn't since she absolutely didn't want to see me. I returned to my business. I still love her very much but even 7 years after we last saw each other she still doesn't feel right about me. That's so strange I just have no words. For all intents and purposes she must treat me like a complete stranger and yet she doesn't. I called my friend Dmitry and asked about his opinion but he couldn't say anything aside from the fact that he had recently found himself in a completely similar situation. Women are strange.

The employees of Citilink suck ass. I ordered PC parts along with assembly and after I took the assembled case back home I discovered that the motherboard IO shield was misplaced and 4 USB ports along with an HDMI port were all inaccessible because the shield overlapped them. I brought the case to the store and politely asked to fix the problem. Three days later after the weekend I came back only to discover they they hadn't actually fixed the issue and the shield still slightly overlapped the ports. I became furious, I started cursing loudly. In the RMA department there were only two people, both staff, beside me and no one else. One of them, who had been sitting for quite some time listening to my curses, finally got up and came to me, "Stop shouting, mister! You're in a public place". I wan unmoved. "Hey, guys, you've done a shitty job and I should remain calm and quiet? Are you fucking joking?" He kept insisting that everything was OK: he even put a USB stick into my PC case. I asked him to show me another case and pointed him at the properly mounted shield. He still tried to vindicate the company, "No one asked you to buy such a chip low quality case". I almost shouted back in a feat of anger, "Are you admitting that your company is selling shitty parts?" A little later I added,

- Can't you add a washer (a thin round metal disk with a hole) under the motherboard?
- No, we don't have them.
- Are you saying a company which has an annual turnover over $300M a year doesn't have them or cannot procure them??
- No, we cannot.

I realized talking to them wouldn't change a thing, so I went looking for someone in charge of the shithole (a major PC parts retailer in Russia for fuck's sake). That someone was the director of sales, a woman, her name was Olga. Together we went back to the RMA department where I showed her the shitty job the repair people had done. Only when she started talking about a refund, the senior RMA guy told me they would fix the problem for good. A day later I got a properly assembled PC case. What the fuck?

One day I went for a walk to the nearest park. Since, as usual, we had nothing to eat, I went to the Blinnaya (that doesn't happen too often - maybe once per year or two however I visit McDonald's far more often). In a queue there was a woman in her 60s with her granddaughter, who was coughing with an open mouth while standing right to the opposite of the place where the staff was cooking pancakes. I leaned towards the woman's ear and whispered, "Have you ever taught your granddaughter to put a hand over her mouth while coughing?" You can't even imagine what she answered quite loudly, "My granddaughter's cough is dry". WTF?!! I started openly discussing this issue with her while a lot of people turned their heads to us and started listening. Anyways, in spite of my preaching the woman just couldn't care less and even blamed me for pointing out this non-issue. I fucking hate Russians. Almost every time when I commute in public transport (in that case I go as far as possible away from such a fucker) or use an electric train to get to the dacha (I change the car) someone is coughing without covering their mouth. What a fucking disgrace.

I've had a slightly unpleasant feeling in my throat for the past 2 months already. I really dislike it. Maybe it's yet another relapse of the EBV infection but it has never lasted so long before. Also I've had a weird backache for at least two weeks. Damn, I've got a feeling I'm falling apart, decaying and dying all at once.

Miscellaneous stuff

I'm a bad person and everyone knows that. For the past a month and a half I've been to the dacha just twice and I avoided going there last Sunday because the weather was simply shit - it was just 5C and it was snowing and raining at the time when I had to leave for the train. Five weeks ago when I went there I had a chance to spend some time hugging mom and touching her skin. I guess we spent a little over half an hour sitting on a bench under the rays of Sun. She wore a coat. It was quite chilly, I guess around 10C. That was a painful experience in a way that once again I had realized how fragile she had become. She looked like she weighed 40 kilograms and her skin was made of something so light and thin, a burst of wind could strip her skinless. And she shuffled like she had barely any strength left. When I came back home to the city I just couldn't fall asleep until maybe 10am in the morning and then slept until 1 or 2pm. As I'm writing this I've broken into tears. What a pathetic stupid lazy creature I am - more than smart to have emigrated years ago to take mom abroad with me yet I'm still here mourning her awful state of health. Fucking miserable retard.

There are no good doctors to help mom and the Internet barely has any relevant information about her diagnosis. Most of the things that must be done under her condition she's never been told to do (I mean tests like a skin scrape microscopy). I asked mom to take several blood tests but she ignored me (general test, biochemistry, immune system status, etc).

There were two more similar almost sleepless nights afterwards though I cannot attribute them to anything that has happened to me recently.

For the past two weeks Maria and I have slept in our bed together maybe once or twice for I cannot fall asleep in our bedroom any longer: the wallpapers are completely white so at 3am the room is already getting lit with the light from the outside and also there are two fucking birds in the trees next to this apartment house. Those fuckers start signing their marital songs approximately at 12am long before I go to bed (around 2-3am lately). So when I come to Maria to join her in her sleep I'm attacked with light and loud sounds and I just cannot fall asleep for my brains are way too easily excited. Our sexual life is more or less nonexistent aside from two instances of sex roughly three and four days ago - both times it was strictly for me I presume and obviously she didn't come.

I had a feat of anger on Sunday, though I didn't shout or anything. Last week Maria came home past 1am three times(!) and twice she was slightly drunk(!). First, it was he ex'es birthday, followed by the birthday party of her brother's significant other. The third time I just don't remember now. And on Saturday night she didn't come back home after going cycling with her ex. Abso-fucking-lutely unbelievable. Only once she had warned me in advance that she would be late. God.

Anyways, back to Sunday. She decided to cook pasta and like always she put it into the boiling water and ... left the kitchen. The pieces of pasta of course stuck together and Maria perfectly knows I don't like when it's cooked this way ("cooked", my ass, there's nothing here to cook - just stir the pasta twice after throwing it in the water). Anyways, I ate it even though my face clearly showed that I didn't enjoy the experience. Maria made a perfect excuse, "I've cooked a real pasta - you must have never eaten it".

Then she decided to cook meat brought from her home. She threw it in the boiling water, didn't close the pan lid, went to her room and closed the door. I could have reduced the natural gas flow and put the lid back on while leaving a small orifice (for steam) but I decided not to to teach her a lesson once and for all. I went for a walk in the part and when I got back an hour later the water had fully evaporated and the meat had turned into coals. The apartment was full of very unpleasantly smelling smoke aside from her room for she was there forgetful of her cooking.

I started reprimanding her. I recalled everything bad that I could have recalled for the past time.

The fact that she doesn't spend any spare time with me; that she comes home very late while being drunk; that she doesn't study English at all even though she's leaving in two weeks; that she is concealing everything from me (she had even hidden herself from me in Telegram); that she doesn't give a fuck about cooking (not that I ask her to cook at all nowadays - no, I gave up on that months ago) - and doesn't want to dedicate even two minutes of her life to it; that my mom's happy we're not married since she won't be able to repay our American friend who lent her $2,5K; that she's leaving me and she'll find a husband in the US and she'll never get back and something more I don't remember now. More importantly during all the time she was completely quiet without saying a word even though I kept asking her to talk to me. The scolding began after she went to the kitchen while first trying to salvage some of the meat (she actually ate a bit of it) and then secondly trying to clean the pan. I told her to stop and then after she went to the bathroom I again started asking her to apologize, "Maria, just tell me you're sorry". In the end it was the only thing she had very quietly uttered. Then in a feat of hysteria she started beating my left shoulder with her hands for at least a minute while I was standing still. When she was out of breath she returned to her room. My left hand from the shoulder to the elbow was red and it was aching.

A few minutes later I came into her room I said perhaps my final sentence, "We both remember why you left me - it was because I had scolded you perhaps too much and too many times and in a number of cases it happened in the public which you hate so much and maybe I wasn't even right to begin with. Yet, now I am fully aware that you definitely deserved a good chunk of the reprimands".

Before she fell asleep I went to her room, joined her in bed and hugged her from behind. She told me, "I hate cooking". "OK, no problem", I replied. "I will come back from the US - I promise", she added. "Don't promise it", I contradicted kindly and then she fell asleep. I also tried to fall asleep but two hours later when I understood I couldn't I went back to our big room where I'd been sleeping for the past two weeks. The big room has a balcony with an extra layer of glass which significantly reduces the volume of birds singing which allows me to fall asleep easier.

Yesterday it was the first time I started crying because of her impending departure. She doesn't want me to go to the US at all, and the prospect of staying alone with a real possibility of her dumping me forever is starting killing me again. I'll soon be turning 0x24, I feel alone and I have no children and that's killing my mom too. She doesn't say it, but she wants grandchildren and there's just nothing. Brother is obsessed with his huge house he'll never finish while mom wants to live a warmer place and have toddlers to play with and take care of. My supplications so that she went to Sochi and stayed there for good just don't work even in the face of her awful disease which doesn't allow her to sleep. Fucking hell.


A few updates

In an unexpected turn of events I've gone to bed around 12:30am for the past three days which is something extraordinary that hasn't happened for the past six years, aside from my trip to the US.

A bit disconcerting though is that yesterday after I came back home from the hospital I had a very strange mind slip. It all happened when I went to our bedroom to open the vent pane in the window. Maria wasn't at home, for she had left earlier, but for a second I clearly imagined she was laying on our bed, but she was so quiet I hadn't noticed that. I checked the bed and then bent down to the floor to check under the bed as well. She wasn't there. When I was falling asleep I was thinking about this accident and I was scared. Let's hope it's not an onset of schizophrenia.

Yesterday I went to the hospital in order to find out why my knee joints had been aching intermittently for the past year, recently joined by ankle joints. The surgeon I came to visit told me he wasn't the right doctor for my case and asked me to appoint a date with a rheumatologist. Also I inquired about the sharp pain in my chest which I'd had a week ago. It was actually so intense I fell on the floor and started screaming for every unintended movement of my cage caused me a lot of pain. Maria wanted to call an ambulance but I refused. The internet and the surgeon both said it's intercostal neuralgia, and he told me to visit a pretty useless neurologist. Yeah, I vividly remember how I visited at least four of them when I had an extreme headache 'caused by a lack of blood flow due to some problems with my neck (all ultimately caused by the excessive time I spend in front of PC).

Roughly a week ago two things happened in a quick succession. One day Maria came back from the bank where she needed to make a money transfer to the company which helps her with her work and travel application. It turned out in the bank she had asked the wrong questions and consecutively received the wrong answers and the net result is that she had spent more than she actually needed and she had been issued a debit card in the process. I gave her a hard time ("vynesti mozg") by telling her the usual things about her character: that she is extremely shy with people whereas she is often mean and she shouts at me, that she is afraid to be persistent and ask people direct questions, etc. etc. etc. My reprimands actually didn't last long (maybe ten minutes most) but then, went I left her and went to the large room, I realized she was too quiet. I silently came back and found her sleeping. I knew what I'd said would have dire consequences so I went to the refrigerator to grab an unfinished bottle of good European dry white wine I'd bought a few days earlier. The bottle wasn't there. I quickly realized Maria had drunk it all (a half of it) and she was sleeping tight, because she was out.

Now I don't remember it clearly but probably the same day we called a cab and drove to a hookah café where she smoked hookah, ordered a tiny set of (Japanese) rolls and a teapot. We spent there roughly two hours. She was seemingly happy and content and she dirty kissed me a lot (all the tables in the café had semitransparent curtains so no one could clearly see what we were doing). Actually it was the first time ever we went to a café in our 4.5 years (minus half a year) that we've spent together.

On the 8th of April mom came to the city to see me, to feed me (with some very tasty kotlety and fried flatfish) and to spend time with me. We spent together roughly 3,5 hours. By that time I hadn't been to the dacha for at least two months already. Now everyone can blame me for being estranged and not visiting my parents regularly, but a week prior to the meeting with mom I was standing at the threshold ready to go to the dacha when she called me and dissuaded from coming to the dacha yet again for their canalization system didn't work. It wasn't the first time she was telling me this and this is exactly the reason why I had been avoiding going to the dacha for so long. Maybe she was just playing along all the time, since she perfectly knows that I don't find it extremely gratifying going to the dacha.

I gave Maria 35K rubles last month, now this month she is even cockier: 3K for a spring coat (yesterday), 1K for jeans (Familia, two weeks ago), 3K for two beauty related procedures for her face, 1K for the café = 8K out of my measly salary of 35K. Also I spent 5K fixing my friend/boss's laptop. He paid me 37K last month, so technically he "owes" me just 3K. Dunno if he'll remember to reimburse me but I don't really care. Without him I'd be jobless.

The bottom line is that out of 32K for the last month, I've already spent 8K, not including buying food, and I haven't paid for my apartment for the past three (!) months which means I owe at least 8K for it. Dunno if I have enough money to cover this month. Luckily I have a little over one bitcoin but I don't want to spend it since some people reckon it will be worth $3K by the end of this year, vs. $1,2K recently.

And the only pair of jeans that I have, have some many holes under my nuts, I'm ashamed to wear them :(