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Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

Insanity returned


I'm going crazy again: yesterday just before I fell asleep, I had a feeling that someone was walking in my apartment and came into my room. More like a ghost. A shadowy figure I couldn't see but I knew he or she was there. I was scared but I didn't get up. Then I fell asleep.

Maria has spent just one night with me during the past six days. She's again living with her sister. We haven't had sex since the 6th of January or maybe longer. I have a feeling she's dumped me again, she's just not telling me that.

A week or two ago she had yet another feat of hysteria. I don't remember much aside from the fact that it was her doing.

Father almost froze mom to death two days ago: just before going to sleep he opened a small window in the largest room in the dacha house (it's not his room). Before that mom had worked very hard to remove snow and only at 3am in the morning she woke up to realize she couldn't feel her body and there was a prickly sensation all over her body. She wasn't sure what was going on and then to her utter awe she discovered the opened window. Yesterday she went to the city and stayed there at least until today.

Then roughly a week ago mom set a meeting with grandma and grandma just didn't come to where mom told her to. Mom told her to come to a bus stop and grandma for some reasons, which she is unable to articulate, came to a spot which was 30 or 50 meters from the destination. Of course, mom couldn't see her there. And mom who weighs 45kg spent 40 (!) minutes in the open when the temperature was -27C. She then went home and met grandma on her way. Grandma finally went to the bus stop and then she refused to get on a bus to get to our apartment. Mom has felt awful for a week (with sore spots all over her body) and when she finally started to recover dad did what I just wrote. WTF.

I feel like shit. Can't shake a feeling that everything is wrong and bad. Wanna break into tears. My prostate gland is bad. My intestines are bad. My brain has hallucinations. Mom is barely alive. Maria infected me with God knows what and my penis gland reeks. And she has seemingly dumped me again and says nothing.

2017 results

In the middle of 2017 my toenails started to exfoliate. I blame my intestines for that but I still haven't done anything to fix the issue. Apparently the doctor I've been seeing is unable to fix it.

I've been getting balder and balder. Now my baldness is easily noticable whenever my hair is not properly brushed.

I've already described the issue but a bad spot of skin appeared under my left eye. Dunno what that is. Perhaps I'm just rotting and falling apart.

Maria broke up with me, cheated on me, was very harsh on me and she probably returned but I'm still not sure about that at all.

I learned nothing last year, I gained nothing, nothing good actually happened at all. This looks like another wasted year.

A new year eve

There were just the three of us: mom, grandma and I. Last Saturday mom called me and asked when it would be convenient for me to come. I remembered how it had been earlier when she left me the choice, so I asked her to specify when exactly she wanted me to come. She hesitated for half a minute, thinking about my broken sleeping regime and offered to meet at 3pm. I came to grandma at 3:11pm because I'd lingered at the threshold for the reasons which I'm unable to recall right now.

A day or two prior to that brother departed for Sochi alone. I've no idea how long he'll be staying there and why he didn't take mom. I voiced my concerns about her staying with mentally unstable dad but she said everything would be alright. Considering his recent behaviour I don't see how staying with him can be considered safe for one's mental health (and mom started actually crying when she remembered his screams: they exacerbate her condition - her neural skin disease): last time he lost his anger and started screaming at mom and brother when mom asked brother to turn on a TV program about her own health. I don't want to lie about his exact words because mom relayed them to me, but it was something along the lines of, "You don't let me be!" The house has three stories and two of them are suitable for living and heated, yet he was pressured. OMFG.

Maria was royally disappointed when it turned out that the shorters/sleepers that she'd bought me were too little for my body. She almost started crying and I suspect they were quite expensive - at the very least 1500 rubles. A little bit later I told her that she could have called me and asked what my size was. Seemingly he didn't heed to that. I didn't buy anything for her but she requested something which cost at least 10K rubles and which I'll probably buy in the next two days.

I've royally been fucking with my sleeping regime for the past two nights: the night before I went to bed ... OMG it was actually 8am in the morning, and yesterday it was close to 6am because I was fucking with my MI A1 smartphone which I had to factory reset because in order to get the latest update I'd wiped Google Services Framework data and that completely broke my notifications. Android sucks. Also, upon resetting it I discovered that some apps which claimed that they were backed up in Google Cloud didn't contain any data! WTF?!! I spent at least three hours restoring everything and Mozilla Firefox still remains because I've forgotten the sync password (I still have my Nexus 5 laying around which luckily has the copy of Firefox' data).

I came to the center of the city for the 12am fireworks. They were OK. I returned back without waiting for another firework 'cause I was started to freeze.

In December I again gave Maria over 3,5K to do new tests. She came positive with two forms of HPV and two other minor diseases which are easily treatable. My tests were negative aside from one disease I now share with her. I won't blame it on her because I never got tested for it earlier.

There's this funny/scary thing has been happening to me for the past five years when I go to bed very late when it's dark, around 2-5am. I have an urge to call someone and ask them to come. I usually scroll the list of my contacts, realize that no one will come (I don't have that many kind acquaintances) and I fall asleep.

I've had a strange pain somewhere in the scrotum or to the right of it this whole day.

At the end of the day I've discovered that my left eye was half red due to a crazy amount of PC time and a lack of sleep.

A notice

When Maria moved in back (three or four months ago - I don't remember now) she almost shouted at me and demanded that I write about her return into my diary.

There have been a few other occasions when she told me, "You only write about bad things and depression in your diary - why don't you mention the good things?" I'm not sure that's entirely true: when my life is stable and nothing interesting is happening day in and out, what's there to report on? Also, when major good things happen I indeed do mention them, albeit sometimes with a considerable delay.

So, let me mention that she's made three very tasty salads during the past two months. Also, she's cooked (boiled in water) macaroni several times which is just laughable. Now, I'd be a lot happier if she cooked more often but I decided against asking her anything ages ago.

It's 2am and she hasn't yet returned from the meeting with her sister. That's slightly weird. Most likely she's not coming back tonight at all and I'm not even surprised. It's in her habit not to report about her whereabouts once she goes somewhere for a long time.

Severe problems with memory

(1) During our shopping with Ars I also bought some stuff for my apartment and when I returned back home I discovered that I'd lost a till slip.

(2) I left the wallet in the mall.

(3) (I can't remember something else which I remembered just an hour ago, fuck!)

(4) Last night I went to the Lenta mall and when I came back I left everything at the threshold even though these were the things which must have been put in the freezer: two packets of pelmeni (with meat and , sour cream, sausages and cottage cheese. Luckily it was 3.40am in the morning and at 6:15am Maria returned from work and put the stuff in the freezer. Mind that I couldn't fall asleep until she came back which means I'd remained awake and alert for more than two hours and a thought of the stuff left unordered had never crossed my mind. WTF?

(5) I keep forgetting things in the office: my glasses, Maria's phone charger, my smart phone, food which I once put in their freezer.

While she was at work last night she sent me her last results for STDs (in total I paid 6000 rubles). He contacted at least 5(!) of them from her American guy or guys. "Tough luck" wrote Ars when we talked after this revelation. Actually he was only typing/chatting, while I was talking because she lied next to his wife.

My prostate gland is troubling me a lot. I exacerbate my situation by sitting at the PC for up to 12 hours continuously - e.g. I played fucking Tom Clancy's The Division again this week (for three or four days, once I played up to 6:30 in the morning). I can be obsessed with computer games. FML.


I'm a lazy bitch

Almost a month without writing anything even though nothing is certain at this point and some things are scary.

* Mental breakdown (three weeks ago, ~ 10th of November)

At that time mom called me, it was Saturday I guess, and told me that her condition had worsened. Also I'd had a few nights where I didn't sleep well. It all somehow stacked up and I started crying like crazy. I felt deeply bad. I went to the park and that didn't help me one bit. Then Ars called me and asked me if we could go shopping together - he needed some stuff for his apartment. I went to the destination point and waited for him for almost an hour. Our meeting calmed me down and when I came back home I discovered Maria there.

* Movie theater 1, ended badly

She was late for at least 5 minutes. At the beginning of the movie I talked aloud and she felt embarrassed so I shut up. We then went to the nearest Subway where she ordered a "sub" and since we weren't really full, I bought us two pancakes. With chicken meat and kidney beans for me and some sweet kind for her. In the bus (she headed to her sister and I went home) I tried to hug her and she rejected it and got mad. I immediately got off the bus and boarded another.

* Movie theater 2, ended well, but turned out she was embarrassed

This movie experience started off well for her, and I remained silent during the entire screening which she liked a lot, but then when we went dining I talked loudly, mentioned the things she considered private and I wasn't dressed to her liking and that all made her feel embarrassed again.

* Sauna

My prostate gland is not getting better, so I offered Maria, Vladimir K and his gf to go to a sauna together. I was the first to arrive there, everyone else was late by at least 10 minutes. The administrator was surprised to see me even though the day earlier I called twice to set up our visiting hours. The sauna was OK in regard to its sweating-room but everything else was horrible: there was a strong smell of chlorine which made me cry at the end of our time there. My eyes hurt badly and were red. The shower had a varying pressure of the hot water which made it quite difficult to take a shower without either burning yourself and getting cold. The TV set barely showed just one channel. The electrical kettle had a thick layer of scale ("nakip'") on its bottom.

* Her visits

At the time of this post I wasn't very happy that she visited me just 2/3 times a week and stayed overnight maybe once or twice.

* The door lock broke, I scratched my fingers trying to fix it, then shortly after I fingered her and realized it was dangerous (STDs) too late, so I put on a condom, and then I started worrying whether I finally got something.

* At least two sleepless nights.

I can't say anything about why I couldn't fall asleep during two nights in November. Maybe it was due to my new smartphone which has a bluish tint and it alerts my brain too much.

* Telling her who she really is -> quarrel -> she beats me

One evening, or should I say 2am she told me that next day I should slowly turn up music and bring water to bed. The next morning I forgot about the water and didn't turn on the music until half an hour after I got up. When she finally awoke she started scolding me and kept doing it for at least two hours (not continuously of course, but episodically). Then I got fed up and started reproaching, scolding and almost screaming back at her. And I cursed at her, a lot. I mentioned the fact the she had quit university, she was whoring in the US and everything else I was discontent with at that time. She was silent and didn't say a word to defend herself. A little later she started crying and started beating me mercilessly. My chest and my arms became red from beating. At one point I'd had enough and told her to leave me. For the first time ever she didn't dress up and instead stayed.

* Her work. Looks like she quit uni.

Thanks to Vladimir K's gf, Maria started working at a night bar. I don't like it at all because for all the nights (at least 10 now) that she's worked there I only could fall asleep only once or twice and during all the others I waited for her and I couldn't fall asleep. My sleeping regime which mostly normalized before she moved back in is again in tatters.

* Left the wallet in the store. Wow.

This was quite a story. One day around 2am I went to the Lenta mall to buy some stuff. Everything was OK but next morning I received a phone call from the mall asking if I'd left something there. It turned out I'd left the wallet. Only the next day I finally went there to retrieve it but it was empty - someone had taken 2000 rubles. I felt quite bad. I tried contacting their security services in hopes that they could find a person who'd stolen my money (what an idiot - took the money, but left the wallet). I was sure it was all in vain and the money would not be found. Well, luckily their security service guy examined the footage and it turned out the person had removed the money from the wallet and hidden it under the cash register. They gave me the money back! Wow. There are truly good people in this country - the security guy could have just taken my money and never tell anyone about it. I bought him the most expensive 100g chocolate bar (Ritter sport) and gave it to him. He didn't want to take it, but I just made him accept it and thanked him as much as I could.

To be completed hopefully tomorrow.

A sketch written on November 25th, 2017, 00:35. Finally updated on Fri Dec 22 13:40, 2017

Scary shit or I'm going crazy once again

Yesterday I woke up and it was alright until roughly 11am when I started listening to something utterly sad and broke into tears for almost half an hour. Then the plumber came and broke one of water meters in the kitchen. He worked like an asshole - there was water and dirt everywhere. He never asked me to give him something to contain the water which flowed from the disposed pipes. Anyways, the metal (mostly iron) pipes in the kitchen are now gone and replaced with plastic. The water pressure significantly increased.

Up until the evening I still felt like shit thinking about her. Everything revolved around her breaking up with me permanently. Around 9pm Vladimir K offered me to go for a walk. We met in 15 minutes, went to some diner, stayed there for a little time and then actually went for a walk. The conversation was lazy and revolved around the things we'd already discussed earlier. On our way back to his apartment we visited a food store where we both bought cheese, albeit different types. After bidding farewell to him I went home on foot.

Just before I went to sleep Ars and I had half an hour long chat in Skype. He told me what to do in regard to Maria - basically I should make her an offer. What a strange turn of events. Earlier Ars had told me we should part ways. Around 1:30am we finished and I fell asleep quite fast.

At 4am I woke up and had a strong feeling she was at home. I got up, went to the large room and started groping a heap of stuff on the bed thinking she dug in the heap to hide from me. Obviously I was half-awake, half-asleep. On my way back to the bedroom I switched on the lights in the lobby to check whether there were her boots. Nope, nothing. Only when I returned to bed several minutes later I fully woke up and got scared.

At 9:10am I finally woke up and started reading about my symptoms once again. Firstly, this condition's true name is not hypnagogia, it's hypnopomp. Secondly, it's not directly related to schizophrenia. Thirdly, it might be caused by sleep problems (which I've always known) but also by stress. Fourthly, quite a lot of people experience it. Fifthly, my symptoms are still quite severe because in my case it lasts for quite a long time and I act on it unlike many other people who just have visions.