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Attention whore

I've been feeling like shit this entire day. In the morning I cried a bit. Been listening to sad music all day long.

I didn't know how to talk to her today so I sent 1K rubles to her bank account (besides, she's penniless). She noticed the transfer an hour later and wrote in Telegram, "Was it you who sent me the money?" I ignored the message. She called me half an hour later and asked me to chat with her. I admitted it was my deed. She thanked me. "Are you going to your parents today?", I asked. "How do you know?" "You told me yesterday".

An hour later she thanked me again. And again two hours later. I told her to come cook a pizza or rolls instead of thanking me. "Pizza is easier to cook, but I want rolls more". She didn't say she'd come any time soon. At 10pm I repeated the question about her going home. She finally answered it, and asked me if I were to visit my parents this weekend. I said I would, though I was thinking about tomorrow, since earlier this week I'd read that water pipes in our yard (riser blocks of flats) would be replaced during October 21-23 and I absolutely had to be at home that time.

In the evening mom called. We talked for 25 minutes straight. I asked her about her health and she said she'd had some awful accident with one of her fingers. I asked her for the Nth time to go to Sochi. "Why don't you go to Crimea too?", mom replied. "I don't want to go without Maria", I answered. "It's the same with me", mom said without specifying what the same actually was. We talked about Maria, our strange "relationships" and mom told me to keep looking for other options.

Everyone around me is against her, even Ars. Maria herself is not really into our relationships. I'm the only one who wants her back despite everything. That's utterly depressing.

Today I paid close attention to three papillomas on my back. I've always thought there was something wrong there and today I finally examined myself. Hopefully they are not malignant. I still want to go to a surgeon.

Missing her

I cannot be without her as it's driving me crazy. On Monday it was OK since I woke up next to her in the morning and could stay with her for an hour before we parted ways but now it's Tuesday and I'm already fucking anxious, I'm feeling depressive and two hours ago I asked her if she wanted to go out with me and she answered, "Not today)) Maybe tomorrow?" An hour later I asked her three more questions in Telegram but she hasn't yet read them. Strange. I guess she's having fun with someone. And I'll never know what it was, of course. "Should I inquire about your possible employment? What are you doing tonight? Do you want me to cook [rolls] for you today?".

Speaking of the data that I fetched from her smartphone. There was absolutely nothing interesting except a photo of her ex in the apartment which her sister and sister's husband-to-be rent, and where Maria currently stays. The picture was made on the 10th of October, probably on the day when she said she was going for a walk with him. I'm not allowed (to be/stay) there but her ex is. It's humiliating at best but I guess I tacitly agreed to this kind of treatment from her.

Last time she was here I asked her whether she had had sex with anyone except me and that American guy since she left her ex. The answer was "No". I want to believe in that.

This day has been meaningless. I did some work in the morning, then spent an hour trying to find a smartphone to buy, then spent an hour or two trying to find a decent microwave oven for parents, then an old acquaintance of mine called and asked me to come fix his PC which had failed to boot. I spent over three hours there and wasn't paid because they had no cash in the office. WTF? Anyways I fixed the PC. It failed to boot because one physical sector was damaged and it belonged to one of the system files which Windows needed to work (the SOFTWARE registry hive to be exact).

I haven't bought a season ticket to a swimming pool today even though I intended to.

I must wake up early tomorrow. I'll have two tests (blood/faeces).

Edit 8:37pm. She's just replied.

- Don't cook/Sun/Thank you [God, why am I feeling she's being completely indifferent about me again? Sad, I'm so sad]
- Should I inquire about your possible employment [I repeated my earlier question]?
- No, because I'm looking for a way to have money right here, right now [which sounded like "fuck off, I don't need an office 8x5 job"].
- How do you imagine this [unread]?

Silence again for five minutes. She's definitely with someone. I'm the last person on Earth she wants in her life. Damn.

Edit 9:27pm.

She deigned to chat with me and expressed a desire to have an interview for the job I've found for her. Still she keeps skipping/ignoring most of the things I'm writing to her. You've got zero self-respect, man.

Don't you get it? It's fucking over!

Around 11pm I called her via Telegram and she picked up, her voice sounded like she was sleeping. We talked for just a few seconds and she hung up. I had to call her again, so that she paid attention to me. What the fuck :(

We started chatting. I asked her why she kept ignoring my messages and she said that she hadn't received a notification. Pure BS! Several times I asked her to come to me and she said she had more pressing needs than meeting me. Ars was gonna have some strange party next day and I offered Maria to come. "The party for old morons?" "There will be people from 19 to 40, at least 12 persons". She wasn't interested at all.

I asked her to come at least five times. She absolutely didn't want to come to my apartment because, "it associates with a psychological trauma". She offered to book a motel room instead ("to have sex") and I quickly found one: 3 hours for 800 rubles. "Let me come and pick you up, I know your address". "Have you been following me?". Of course, I didn't. Maria only scoffed at me and told me that the address I knew was wrong, "I asked the driver to stop at some location but it wasn't my exact location". What a cunning little bitch. In the end she refused to go there because she wanted to sleep, she had to wake up early next morning, etc. etc. etc. "Let me come to you then". "What???!!!! With wine??!!!!! To my sister's apartment?! Are you fucking crazy??!!! Go fuck off!!!!!!" After that I thought I'd never talk to her ever again. However I swallowed my pride and called her again.

Then she proposed to go to a hotel with a sauna and stay there overnight next day. I made a few calls and realized she was fucking jeering at me: 3 hours of sauna plus a room overnight would cost me at least 5K rubles. I wasn't ready to waste my money this way. That drove me to the edge. I went to the refrigerator and poured a glass of wine. I drank it under a minute. That made me feel a little bit less tense and heartbroken. I called Ars and we had a 40 minutes long conversation during which he said that if I had a chance of getting her back I needed to take the lead. Of course, he repeated again and again I had to give up on her due to her attitude to me, due to her cam whoring ("which changed her irreversibly to the worse") and due to the things which had happened in the US. He said no sauna next day but to postpone it till Monday when the prices were lower and the availability was better. During our entire conversation I kept crying like crazy.

I helped her with her resume: she wanted to apply to a touristic company. I asked her why she couldn't have done it earlier, e.g. the day before when she ostensibly spent time with her ex, "Yesterday was yesterday and I need it done now". It took us 40 minutes to complete it. She used some website where she couldn't fetch the result from, so she screenshotted the pages and sent them to me for OCR'ing. I first registered at Finereader Online but that piece of shit had no free pages available at all even though they promised 10 free pages for newly registered users. What bloody fuckers! I tried to find a portable version of FR14 to no avail. In the end I downloaded a trial version of it, installed it in a sandbox and completed the task.

Around 3:40am we finally finished our chat:

- May I go to sleep?
- Of course, you have to.
- I love you.
- I'm missing your warmth.
- I want to hug you and sleep next to you.
- Only not on your bed :) Me too. I'm giving you a false feeling [I guess she actually meant "hope"] we'll be together like before.

I stand absolutely no fucking chance. This is all a stupid agony. She is playing with me purely for her entertainment only to fuck me off as soon as she finds a proper candidate for her future.

I don't want to have sex with condom with a person I love. I don't want not to be able to trust her. I want to know with whom she had sex in the US (she said it was an "acquaintance" - what the fuck that means?!). I want her to get tested at least against Hepatitis and HIV again. If we are to resume our relationships I will have to ask her to give me access to her phone and social profiles. I will never leave her for long and I won't let her leave me. That all sounds crazy and stupid because it reeks of mistrust. It looks almost unworkable which means she won't get back to me ever. What's with the breakfast and coffee she made me last time she was here? I'm torn apart completely. Why was she so kind to me? Or it was just nothing and I'm clinging to this act of kindness because it spells something good to me?

I couldn't fall asleep until at least 7am and woke up at 11:30am. I'm now thinking whether I should go have my hair cut and dyed.

Edit 2:23pm Had my hair cut and dyed for 250+400 rubles. I now look a tad younger but feel like total shit, "Nothing makes sense. She's not coming back. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" Besides I now have to wait for her and she might have already decided not to see me today. She won't give me a call and she won't text me. I will now drink a glass of wine or my head will implode.

Edit 3:20pm I'm drunk from 250ml of dry white wine. We've just chatted and she's coming to the party Ars is organizing later this evening. No idea what will come out of it. I'm taking condoms just in case.
I fell asleep in almost no time yesterday and slept until 11:30am. I woke up being slightly depressed and shed a few tears. Then somehow I mostly calmed down and went for a walk around 5pm. Mom called me and told me not to come to the dacha the following Sunday because she was invited to her sister's anniversary. I told her a few things about Maria. We talked about modern women in general, bitcoin and psychology. Nothing new I guess.

I got home and got worried. Wrote to her, "I want you. Let's go to a hookah café". She read it five minutes later and hasn't yet replied. Fuck. I want her back. I still don't know her new phone number. That's all so fucked up. It's over and not yet over. Fuck my life.


Trying to find consolation

Before she left this morning she filled a plastic bag with the things worth getting rid of. In the evening I went through all the stuff in it and saved at least 15 different items. I also decided to keep one of her notebooks and one of her panties (I hid the panties over a week ago as a memory). I'm crazy, I know.

I've no idea how I figured that she was walking with someone close to 10pm this evening. It was her ex. I asked if his new gf allowed him to be with other girls, and Maria wrote, "He doesn't ask".

I arrived to her tentative location at ~10:30pm. I waited for her for two hours thinking I'd be able to catch her on her way back to her apartment. Either she was already at home, or I missed her arrival, or she lived somewhere else. I was standing in the cold and it was drizzling. I promised myself earlier today that I would never ever chase my ex'es this way and I failed. I stayed there for almost two hours, walking around, trying to catch a glimpse of her. Three times I visited the nearest playground and climbed a mini mountain which children use to slide down. The elevation allowed me to see some apartments better. I couldn't understand which apartment was hers. And I still don't know the exact apartment house so everything could have been futile.

I was able to connect to a public WiFi hotspot and had a short and very sad conversation with Ars. He was apparently fed up with me and told me to give up on Maria for the Nth time. I apologized and told him I wouldn't bother him any more.

Maria sent me a few messages in Telegram asking me to find some financial document which she might have left at my apartment. I answered I wasn't at home yet. She didn't even ask me where I was. After I got too cold and realized I wouldn't be able to catch her, I called Uber and returned home.

I found her a copy of the document she needed. A bit later I sent a message which she'd seemingly read but chose to ignore, "I waited for you for 1.5 hours and I got very cold. I don't understand anything. I have a feat of hysteria". After I saw that she'd read it but didn't reply, I deleted the message.

Our two intercourses apparently meant nothing for her. It's all over. I've been trying to find consolation in the fact that I have a cosy warm apartment to live in and loving parents, but it just doesn't work.

I want to drink wine, I want to cry, I feel very cold. I fucking love her. I want her back and that seems completely impossible.

Just remember how you laid next to her last night, how you put your hand on her hips and how she was peacefully sleeping. Relish this memory, boy. It might be everything that's left of your relationships. Your memories.

Not enjoying anything

Yes, I went to bed quite early the day before yesterday (around 2:10am) but I was so agitated I couldn't fall asleep for an hour or maybe more, and then I woke up several times during the night, only to finally wake up at 11am.

I woke up and I just fell bad. I wanted to cry but I couldn't really break into tears. Around 2pm I went to work. There was nothing exciting there, no one really paid any attention to me, everyone was busy with something. Ars came to work around 4:30pm and we had a nice conversation, the Nth such conversation where we tried to figure something out but couldn't. I asked him, "Is it a revenge? But why?" He disagreed.

At 7pm I went to the theater Svetlana had invited me a week earlier. A post modern play was about different forms of love: I could barely sit it through for it was beyond cheesy and stupid. Not a single word was spoken, it was all just actions and dancing. Luckily this shit lasted for only an hour and ten minutes. Some of the spectators applauded like crazy and even got up from their seats. Before the play started I asked Svetlana if she could place her hand on top of mine and she refused. After the play I made a single attempt to talk to some nice girl but it didn't work.

Svetlana first told me to see her to the nearest bus stop, however I started talking about my break up, which worsened her mood and we just kept on walking. I bought us two ice-cream cones at McDonald's and later bought her a big red rose. Our conversation was heated but useless. "Move on", she said. "You're not the man of my dreams", she added. "Do something and maybe even try to get her back", she remarked. It was between my words of utter sorrow, desperation and sadness. I didn't mention Maria's name.

At some bus stop I left Svetlana (she didn't want to be seen off to her home) and took a bus home.

At home I just booted into Windows and started playing CS:GO. I played for at least three hours and then around 3:30am I stopped and returned to my sense of utter frustration. I wrote to Ars in Skype and he asked me to go Telegram and also call me which I did.

"I don't enjoy living, Ars!! I don't want to be, to eat, to do anything at all. She was perhaps the only reason that kept me alive and wanting to do something". He couldn't talk so he typed the answers. He said a few things about Svetlana but they were meaningless.

He offered me to write to Maria the following: "It's all very painful to me. Take your belongings and after that I'm blocking you everywhere. If you have any questions for me, please direct them to Ars". We discussed her debt and decided she had to give the money back to me.

I woke up crying like crazy and I've been doing that for almost an hour already. I've rephrased what Ars wrote to me yesterday but I'm scared to send it,

"I feel excruciatingly painful and bad because of what you did to me, therefore if you're not going to live in this apartment any longer, then, please, take your all belongings today or tomorrow, and don't write to me ever again. If you have any questions, please talk to Ars".

The sun is shining. I don't feel alive.