Well, this is exactly what one girl (who was sitting near me) said after "X-Files 2: I want to believe" finished. And, alas, I cannot agree more with her. This movie is just plain awful - it looks like the actors were underpaid, the script writer was underpaid and the whole affair was about to tumble but someone decided to raise some cache from the faithful fans but I'm sure this movie will be an utter fiasco in distribution. The first feature-length X-Files movies was wonderful and the newer one leaves you upset 'cause for the whole movie you are expecting something incredible to commence ... and here are the credits.

I went there on my own ... this time I had no one to take with me.

For the first time at my current work I was fined for being late. Fined for sixty bucks and no one has even mentioned this inconvenience. I almost hate all my bosses. These things are not done this way. I'm disappointed.

It's been very hot last ten days. Temperature usually rouse above 30 degrees Celsius. If people are not lying it was around 36 two days ago. I remain topless even at work.

I was at our summer garden yesterday. Mom wasn't very happy, she said she felt very bad since she couldn't sleep normally for the last few months. Railway lines come close near our summer house which has thin walls, so basically you hear distinctly every train which passes by.

And since mom is steadily losing her eyesight (she sees almost nothing in her -6 glasses, and she has -11 power) her hearing becomes more and more sensitive. That drives me mad. Mom once again asked me when I would take them to a better place ...

My work is getting a bit nervous - I have an unimaginablely huge amount of tasks to finish ... and I don't quite like this situation - I'm not used to working so hard.

Last Friday an old acquaintance of mine called me to play soccer and I eagerly joined his company even though I came almost one and half an hour later than we had appointed our meeting. Anyway that was funny and healthy. I cannot really remember any other events worth mentioning ... one day I slept for just two hours ... crazy @^@%^$@%^%@.

Two days ago my dentist put some medicine in my tooth and said I would have to return in three weeks for final treatment. Shortly after my tooth started terribly aching. I drank two portions of Nimesil (in two days). Today the pain is almost unbearable. In the evening I got back from our summer garden and while being unable to reach my dentist over her mobile phone I decided to take one more portion of that shit. Now, I've also discovered I have 37.2 degrees Celsius temperature. It's possibly an inflammation - I hope I will be able to recover from this goddamn situation.

Yesterday Irene from N. city finally came. We have been communicating over ICQ and mobile phone for around month and a half. I took her to the movie theater paying for us both, then took to her to "Blinnaya" where I paid for us both, then we went to this apartment since it started heavily raining. We then watched a funny animated cartoon and after that I suggested to have something negatively close to each other. She downright refused. I said that I expected something to happen since she had mentioned having a desire for that at least five times and so I thought she was talking personally about me. Also that fact about me paying for us both - I also mentioned it. She said I treated her like she was a whore and then she got deeply offended. I tried to negate all my words without visible success. And she also refused to stay with me till today. Well, the end of our meeting was entirely spoiled due to my failed expectations and her refusal. I saw her off to a bus station and gave her money for the ticket. I was disappointed and thought it all had to be ceased. I cannot think it's normal to pay for your friends - we only pay for our wives and girl-friends. Maybe I don't understand something in this world. Maybe I'm a real horny cock-sucker - only fuck knows. But I think I was right to to expect that.

We watched the "Hancock" movie - it was the funny almost meaningless and sometimes extremely stupid movie. And of course, there was a number of parables which was absolutely not worth being used. I don't think I liked that movie - it left me void of any emotions.

The rest of the week has (had) no events worth mentioning - at least my fevered mind cannot recall anything. Or shit, the last two days I'm "enjoying" the absence of any water in this flat. Let's repeat it once again - I fucking hate this country.

Well, I've always thought I'm not the only man who can comprehend his own existence, so I'd like to share a number of thoughts with my good acquaintances who have recently expressed the same sentiments.

Most people are not truly happy not due to the environment or people around them or their living conditions. My point of view is that most people are fucking scared to TRY TO FIND where they can truly excel. After getting a higher education or degree (or not getting that at all) - probably in a field which you believed to be suitable for your character and/or abilities - you try a job or two, then you decide it IS time to settle down for a while and keep doing your job for a couple of years.

After two or three years of your job you decide that this occupation is probably paid enough and it's not really necessary to change anything since you feel like you are kind of satisfied with your position. You don't really realize that this job is NOT what make you feel truly happy and what really fulfills your whole mind. At the end of the days your try to excuse or justify your fatigue, your low spirit, insomnia and nervousness by a great amount of work, by bad weather, by people you have met but in reality the culprit is that you do not do the work you are best suited for. And you don't do such a work because you are afraid of temporary problems related to seeking for the best activity. And we also shouldn't forget that many people are just too lazy to warrant any changes of their lives.

I'm not much different in that regard. I mostly like what I do - but I am absolutely sure I can be much more successful in other area of human activities. Of course, I also have a guilt complex, have some misconceptions about the world, also sometimes I'm diffident and of course I still cannot find a single reason to actually start living and stop killing myself by sleep deprivation and low quality food diet. It's not that I eat some shit - I just don't eat enough and don't consume enough healthy food like protein, vegetables and greens.

I love you. I've just come back from the "Wanted" movie (which is essentially bullshit from any point of view) to discover that mom had been here and left over 6 kilograms of strawberries and seven very tasty curd pancakes (around three weeks ago she brought over three kilograms of curd pancakes).

I have had a short meeting with Eugenia on my way from one office to another (where I had a photosession for some ad). Almost all the forty minutes we spent together Eugenia kept weeping. Today she has departed to her parents. She's gonna have four weeks leave of absence. Once again I tried convincing her that she should get an extra education and stop working as a shopper girl in a drug store. That roused her ire and she said everyone kept bothering her. (even though we meet each other once in a month or even more rarely). I kissed her cheek several times.

The movie is so bad I just cannot remain calm trying to express my attitude toward it. The script is awful (and many events happening are just out of any logic), dialogs don't feel natural, scenes sequence and operator work sometimes just make you feel sick. Physics laws were insanely flouted. Either show me a sci-fi/fantasy/etc movie or fucking go away. And one thing that astonished me was the amount of shown atrocity. This movie wasn't meant to be a horror movie or a trash movie, yet I was deeply disappointed by unreasonable violence and its reproduction. This is fucking wrong for a movie targeted for a wide audience - even for young children - clearly in Russia there are no any age restrictions concerning this movie.

Yeah, I know that "ain't" is not correct.

I just wanted to say I'm still not sleeping.

And I haven't even walked out today.

Sheer stupidity ...

An old friend of mine finally got married to that very girl I once let him run across. I have learned that from Eugenia today. Eugenia was seemingly disappointed - at least her voice was not very joyful. And the sweet pair didn't call Eugenia for their wedding ceremony. (I don't count at all, since we are not friends for a very long time). Everything is proceeding smoothly and steadily.

Last Friday after my work I went to Eugenia. I bought a lot of food and a fancy cake too. She wasn't very glad to meet me and continued learning her lectures. Around 1 a.m. she took a shower and went to bed (saying nothing whether I should have stayed or letting me go). We hadn't any kind of supper. People in the yard were talking loudly so she offered to go to me. I called a cab and in fifteen minutes around 2 a.m. we arrived to my apartments.

We slept separately - I decided to sleep on a different bed - to let her sleep deeper. My so called bedstead doesn't have any kind of blanket. Thus I slept naked and uncovered. In the early morning her mobile phone alarm rang and she tried to wake me up. Anyway I slept till 10 a.m. Shortly after she went to her work and I stayed at home till the next day even though I wanted to visit my parents apartments. I also gave her some sixty bucks, because she ran out of money and no one would help her ... and her women problems accounted too.

I have revoked the authorization for all girls in my ICQ contact list except Mgirl and Eugenia from a nearby major city. I'm fucking tired of drivel like conversations.

I have just one tooth left to be recovered.

I now know four lone beautiful girls (Anastacia (secretary@RL-P), Alexandra (jurist@dont-know-where), Irene(unknown@unkown) and Olga(neighbor@student)) and none of them is willing to establish any relationships with me. None of them is saying that we don't match or that I don't have the required characteristic features or money of whatever else. A month ago I tried to meet with a girl who I met in a train when I was going to Mgirl. Well, a former girl said I was very annoying and refused to meet me saying that I am a maniac. After a few fruitless attempts I gave up and erased her from my facebook page and from my ICQ messenger. Her name is Svetlana.

When I start thinking about possible departure from this country, my spirit begins to sink. Now there's nothing that stops me from doing all of that ... but I'm all scared. I haven't slept enough for the last two months. And my sleep regime is getting worser and worser.

A few days ago I made up a holiday for my belly. At the same time you could find these fruits at my home: fresh apples, bananas, oranges, apricots, plums and sweet cherries. Right now I only have apples and oranges left. I have decided it would be much more pleasant to remember such little joys upon my death.

I take some medicines after my dentist advised me so and now I think I've took three portions of this shit in vain, cause I've got a terrible toothache and the tooth in a charge is not the one for which I should have taken that shit.

Read about its adverse effects here: Nimesil. And to tell the truth, not all adverse effects are listed there.

For the last two days I have managed to bump against my head three times. A bump can be easily felt ... in fact two bumps. At first I couldn't enter an embrasure in our summer garden house - I forgot that it wasn't tall enough for me. Secondly, while going up a staircase I missed an obstacle. At third, yesterday while trying to jump I met an upper part of a door-post.

Mom told me I won't have a brain cancer. It's a great relief :-) I'll be a silly ass, happy and healthy while smart people will die of a cancer. :-)

Anywhere is!!!

Welcome to a brand ... old and now opened world.

More to come soon ... no, now. I wanted to meet Eugenia today, alas she has refused ... and I didn't expect anything else. So this has been a quiet day with almost no noise. In the morning Eugenia sent me a nice MMS message with a picture of a toy-bear carrying a big shining heart. I'm really amused - I can read the signs and this sign means too much. Of course, she might be mocking at me but it doesn't really matter since everything is over for a quite long time.

Probably that was my aunt who sent me an SMS containing the only short sentence: "Without words, straight from [my] heart!".

My phone has been switched off till this moment to avoid unnecessary compliments. Even at my work I haven't announced anything. I'm now thinking if it's still worth the hassle to make it public tomorrow. It's a tradition ... but I don't wanna anyone to even recognize that I exist. My grandma has called me six times - but my phone was switched off.

After work I returned back home and I'm now really enjoying a new music album which is announced beneath this message. My mom and brother have been here. They left me cooked pelmeni and washed floors. I'm a bit upset - the whole apartment was a great mess with clothes thrown all over the place.

Nobody's home and I feel lost inside
There's a clock counting down what's left of time
When you are all alone it's easy to hesitate
Like a girl listening to her heart break

... because I've just returned from our summer garden - a place which I haven't visited for the last five years. Everything has changed. And of course a house my brother and my father were building for over eight years was standing black and abandoned. Not a picture I can take lightly. It saddens me a lot.

Once again mom and I were talking a lot. She asked where I would take her. She noticed that our dad was not quite the same and that he was pursuing loneliness. Her words didn't sound like he wanted a divorce but that was not something I was pleased to hear. She proposed that he was a rare breed of people who flourish when they are left alone, but I expressed disagreement suggesting that probably he wasn't happy enough. Mom almost agreed with me.

Soon there'll be some anniversary which is directly related to me but have my word - there'll be the only place where people will know about it (not because I disclose it but because at my work there's a silly tradition of celebrating it officially). It'll be my work. And probably I'll manage to arrange everything such a way no one even at my work will be able to compliment me about that silly event. I hate when people pay their feigned civilities. People who really care about me would be near me. They won't send silly SMS messages or call on the phone. It's all boring and faked.

P.S. English people usually say "It's going to snow".

I can have sex for two hours running ... I haven't ever had such dreams before - I could feel and see everything in all possible details - alas, I don't remember who was my partner and ... I didn't manage to come. Probably it's impossible or my brains are not that advanced.

The week has been entirely dull and boring.

At my work we now have a new deputy engineering director.

For that matter I'd like to notice this fact: We are obliged to write down the time of comings and leavings - last week when I came at 11:46 (I was very sick) I wrote down in a log that I came at 11:13. She noticed that, got fury and now she keeps an eye on me. It's a goddamn shit. I fucking don't need such personal attention and supervision. But probably they are all right since I'm an officer and I should follow the rules of a business game. It's not like I am always late for my work, but I used to not write down the time when I leave to have a dinner. Now I do that.

I do everything to die sooner than later. For the whole week I sleep less than 7 hours daily. Today I've come back from my work at 7 a.m. (yes! in the morning) and woke up just five hours later.

For two days in a row since my yesterday's awakening I've been feeling like shit. I have 37.3° temperature and pulse around 85. And all day yesterday I had a headache and fell faint. And I had waves of nausea. Today I just have a temperature and a high pulse.

A few people advised to go to a doctor but I rejected their proposal since my symptoms may mean: a light cold, an internal inflammation or food poisoning - in all these cases doctors are generally useless.

Yesterday I kissed goodbye my 8GB flash drive. I was more than bothered to plug it into the back of my computer so this evening I decided to connect the front case connectors to the motherboard. And I decided not to read the motherboard manual.

My flash drive is no longer operational. Wrong 5V phase killed it almost instantly. Local RMA fucked me off saying that my device is lacking one of plastic rods meant to let take in its USB connector. My co-worker who has the same device has both rods broken ... Plastic is not tough enough and breaks easily. No more flash drives with anything movable!

May 18 14:27:56 localhost kernel: hub 1-0:1.0: unable to enumerate USB device on port 6
May 18 14:45:41 localhost kernel:last message repeated 20 times

:-(

I bought it for around $100, now I can buy 16GB for less money (~$80).

And today I've accidentally stripped off a piece of skin on my primary limb. It bled for a while.

// Here's a random cite from my online chat: "Maybe I judge from my own ... I'm barely visible today ... I mean I'm transparent ... I mean I'm so vague due to my faintness ... err I meant due to my fatigue ... in short I haven't slept enough :-) "

Religions do not answer these questions:

1) When exactly the soul is born? Is when people conceive a child in their bedroom ... or when a child sees the light of a day ... or when a baby starts speaking and recognizes his or her parents?

2) Let's assume the 'soul' emerges at some hardly determined span. Then the following question instantly arises: some people brought up by nature cannot speak, cannot think and behave like animals. Do those people have the soul?

3) If religions dared to say yes to the former question, then how people differ from other animals - are we any different from them except for our inflated brains? Does that mean that all leaving creatures have the soul? And if they have, how we can segregate animated creatures from e.g. stones or rocks? What is so especial in a compound of different chemicals we are made of?

4) It's easy to realize that our mind is changing at the course of time. We are forgetting something, we are constantly comprehending a new information thus our mind is an unstable substance. What's even worse, is that our mind is strictly dependable on our physical state - if we are ill or if you haven't slept enough - then you are likely to think differently 'cause your physical brains are somewhat malfunctioning.

That all raises the important question: at what state our soul we be left upon our death? What memories will be left intact, what memories will be forgotten?

How can something that functions only within the constraints of our body can exists in some other state of matter?

And if the soul get separated from my or your physical body then will this something be me or you?

5) Christianity is always referring to the terms "Heavens" and "Hell". Can you for a second imagine something that will last for eternity and be universally accepted by all living humans as "paradise"? For beggars a paradise might be a place where they are constantly eating tasty meals, where they wear comfort clothes and where their deprivations are fulfilled. But for different people different things mean peace and grace.

Do religions dare to say that heavens is a universal place where we all spend time like a vegetable listening to the divine melodies? It all sounds like drivel.

I think everything I've just said is absolutely obvious for an average thinking human being. Thus no sane man can really believe in the existence of the soul. Belief and faith are not what drive us ahead.

Tomorrow I'll tell you why I think christian soul doesn't exist. (No revelations here for smart people).

Here's a puzzle for utter perverts: I've always thought it's 9cm in length (maybe I wasn't too attentive while reading books) but from my personal experience I can say it's 15 cm ... or even 16cm. So what can it be?

OK, here's a hint: it's not a penis.

Sorry, I'm uttering drivel. I should get my life back and be a man.

That girl is almost alright.

A new girl appeared in my ICQ account a month ago (I've already mentioned her bullying manner of speaking - but I've changed her a lot since then to my great pleasure). She lives in a small city somewhere near Moscow. Well, it has happened so she decided to come to me for the next holidays which will endure from this Friday to Sunday. I hadn't my mind on that - I was a bit afraid if she comes (I didn't know how to entertain her in this shitty city), at the same time I thought why not? She is young and horny, and eager to have some crazy trips all around the country (She definitely didn't want and didn't have time to have a rest abroad).

So, a day before yesterday a company of three people: this girl, her female friend and friend's husband all got in a car and went to Moscow in order to buy something (I don't really know what - and it doesn't really matter). Their trip turned out to be an automobile accident, where a man perished, my chat partner ended with massive injuries and many broken bones and the other girl ended in coma with only ten percent survival chances. For a second, I thought that all had happened because I didn't much want her to come here.

I hope I have no abilities to alter this world that dreadfully. And if I can then Judas was ridiculous.

And last time I talked to her was yesterday ...

Damn, I've just accidentally closed a Firefox window and lost this diary entry ... Again! Again! Again! I should file a bug report that if there's some unsubmitted information in a web form then Firefox must ask for a user confirmation before closing a tab. I hope I will be able to recover most of the entry from memory and that's a pain in the ass.

Yesterday Eugenia and I took a nice stroll for around an hour. She was very tired so we rather quickly said good bye to each other. On my turn I saw her off to a bus stop.

Right now I'm sitting idly at the computer waiting for any water. I cannot take a shower because there's absolutely no water in pipes (and I don't have any water reserves). I feel myself like a vegetable - I sleep on average 5 hours last three days because I cannot fall asleep for several hours after I go to bed. And today I lust after sleep, I almost fall asleep, yet I cannot take a shower. This city sucks! This damn country sucks!

My brother has problems with sleep. He is very concerned about this city ecological situation but in reality he's very anxious about our mom and her health. He wants to move (us all) abroad as well alas he doesn't have means for that.

Today I've encountered a new neighbour - a 19 years girl. She was the first to announce her name - I was astonished. We exchanged our ICQ numbers and five minutes later started chatting. We were chatting for 45 minutes. She is a smart and good-looking girl. Alas, no meeting is possible in a foreseeable future - she's leaving this city tomorrow till the middle of July.

A colleague of mine is leaving the service. He will work only until the next Tuesday. That saddens me a lot 'cause our company runs an Internet application written by him and this application has to be tweaked from time to time. Without him, everything will be very complicated ... Also, he is just a good fellow and definitely knows something that I do not know.