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Whoever reads my diary please stop and don't ever open this page again. Thank you. I don't want be a laughing-stock for you any longer. There'll be nothing new or interesting. Consider me dead. For all intents and purposes I am dead.

I'm a lazy bitch

Almost a month without writing anything even though nothing is certain at this point and some things are scary.

* Mental breakdown (three weeks ago)

* Movie theater 1, ended badly

* Movie theater 2, ended well, but turned out she was embarrassed

* Sauna

* Her visits

* The door lock broke, scratched my fingers, fingered her, realized it was dangerous (STDs) too late, put on a condom, now worrying whether I finally got something

* At least two sleepless nights.

* Telling her who she really is -> quarrel -> she beats me

* Her work. Looks like she quite uni.

* Left the wallet in the store. Wow.

To be completed hopefully tomorrow.

Scary shit or I'm going crazy once again

Yesterday I woke up and it was alright until roughly 11am when I started listening to something utterly sad and broke into tears for almost half an hour. Then the plumber came and broke one of water meters in the kitchen. He worked like an asshole - there was water and dirt everywhere. He never asked me to give him something to contain the water which flowed from the disposed pipes. Anyways, the metal (mostly iron) pipes in the kitchen are now gone and replaced with plastic. The water pressure significantly increased.

Up until the evening I still felt like shit thinking about her. Everything revolved around her breaking up with me permanently. Around 9pm Vladimir K offered me to go for a walk. We met in 15 minutes, went to some diner, stayed there for a little time and then actually went for a walk. The conversation was lazy and revolved around the things we'd already discussed earlier. On our way back to his apartment we visited a food store where we both bought cheese, albeit different types. After bidding farewell to him I went home on foot.

Just before I went to sleep Ars and I had half an hour long chat in Skype. He told me what to do in regard to Maria - basically I should make her an offer. What a strange turn of events. Earlier Ars had told me we should part ways. Around 1:30am we finished and I fell asleep quite fast.

At 4am I woke up and had a strong feeling she was at home. I got up, went to the large room and started groping a heap of stuff on the bed thinking she dug in the heap to hide from me. Obviously I was half-awake, half-asleep. On my way back to the bedroom I switched on the lights in the lobby to check whether there were her boots. Nope, nothing. Only when I returned to bed several minutes later I fully woke up and got scared.

At 9:10am I finally woke up and started reading about my symptoms once again. Firstly, this condition's true name is not hypnagogia, it's hypnopomp. Secondly, it's not directly related to schizophrenia. Thirdly, it might be caused by sleep problems (which I've always known) but also by stress. Fourthly, quite a lot of people experience it. Fifthly, my symptoms are still quite severe because in my case it lasts for quite a long time and I act on it unlike many other people who just have visions.


A day

Mom and I talked for more than an hour about Maria and me when I was at the dacha earlier today. Mom was angry at her because everything points at the fact that Maria doesn't love me, she will always demand more from me, and she's immensely ungrateful (mom reminded me once again that her entire US trip had became possible because of me and my help). In the end of the conversation she grew softer and told me that I could take out a mortgage to buy an apartment to live with her.

I returned back to the city 2 hours earlier than usual because I had forgotten my antibiotics and I had to take it at 4pm.

I've now chatted with Maria. For 15 minutes I tried to persuade her come to me or see me tonight but she kept finding excuses not to, "What will I tell my sister [who believes we're done forever]?", "I'm really tired", etc. etc. etc. And when I mentioned my apartment she told me, "I hate your brother's apartment! Stop manipulating me!" The conversation hasn't ended yet and overall she's been hostile to me, because she actually doesn't want to live in an apartment in Russia any loner, for which she said, "Buy [an apartment] and stay in goddamn Russia - the fuck you can do more". I wrote a dozen more messages but she got offline.

Mom called in the middle of our chat. I totally dislike what I told her: "I biologically depend on Maria and I'm happy to be with her anywhere in the world, even in a hut". Mom strongly objected, "Women are the most insatiable creatures in the universe. You won't win women's hearts with such an attitude". We talked for roughly 15 minutes.

I've lost her. There's no love, respect, gratitude, tenderness and the sense of kinship for me left in her.

Edit 9:10pm:

"When will you wake up tomorrow?"
"At 8am"
"Good. I'll probably come to your in the morning. Don't turn off the phone".


Edit 11:25pm

She sent me a photo where she was kissing her sister's cat. Ugh! Cats are the source of some nasty infections and one thing you should never do is kissing them.

She's still awake which probably means she will oversleep tomorrow and won't come to me in the morning.

Inconsolable again

Around 6pm mom called and asked how the tubes replacement was going on. I admitted that nothing was really going on except the neighbors above me had flooded me once again. Except they said it wasn't their fault but of the neighbors above them. Anyways the ceiling was OK so I didn't worry at all.

Mom sounded really really sad. One of her fingers is still in a very bad condition. She mentioned she could visit me tomorrow but I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly. She described how she'd visited the surgeon recently - it was beyond horrible: a very long queue of people, all with different problems, and the doctors who didn't have the most basic things to take care of people. Health care in Russia is barely alive. Some people work there but they are either heroes or fuckers who don't care about anyone or anything. Mostly it's the latter.

I've been waiting for a piece of news from her for the past two days and around 7pm I finally broke into tears and I've been crying almost nonstop since that time. She used to always get in touch with me daily when she went to her parents house. Not this time. Last time I heard from her was Thursday.

I want to go to Turkey with her but she won't (first it's her uni, then her possible work). Fuck the money, at least I'll have the chance to spend two more weeks with her before she finally tells me, "We're done, A".

Been listening to "Little Something" by Above & Beyond for the past sixty hears.

I want to be someone but I've got no one to spend time with. FML. Everything's bad and getting even worse.


I can't do anything at all.

Finally purchased an Android smartphone though I'm quite sure I will hate it and after a while I will get rid of it by selling it for 70% of the price I've paid for it. It's an Android One smartphone by Xiaomi. I could have chosen a dozen others but timely updates, cost and pure Android made me choose this piece of hardware which will be slower than my 4 years old LG Nexus 5. Fuck. Still I cannot afford neither of Google Pixels.

I've been thinking about her all day. I cannot write to her because I don't wanna be/look annoying and she hasn't written anything to me. I just want to hear, "A. I'll be back" to get back on track and I'm scared she won't return to me. I cannot do anything. I don't wanna do anything. Nothing excites me. I haven't gone to the streets today. I will go soon. I hate this cold weather.

Mom called in the evening and asked me help brother next Wednesday. God, I wanted to fly to Turkey on Monday and now it's all fucked.

I feel like shit. My throat again feels bad.

An hour ago I realized I had become unemployed considering that I was paid only 50% of my usual salary for September. I'm not going to Turkey this year. Most likely I'm not going anywhere. I've just written a number of messages to Ars in Telegram in which I asked him to spare me of every authorization that I had since he'd made me redundant. The past two months have been amazing. I've lost my gf, I've lost my job and I feel totally lonely. It's like the world is telling me to fucking end it all once and for all.

Attention whore

I've been feeling like shit this entire day. In the morning I cried a bit. Been listening to sad music all day long.

I didn't know how to talk to her today so I sent 1K rubles to her bank account (besides, she's penniless). She noticed the transfer an hour later and wrote in Telegram, "Was it you who sent me the money?" I ignored the message. She called me half an hour later and asked me to chat with her. I admitted it was my deed. She thanked me. "Are you going to your parents today?", I asked. "How do you know?" "You told me yesterday".

An hour later she thanked me again. And again two hours later. I told her to come cook a pizza or rolls instead of thanking me. "Pizza is easier to cook, but I want rolls more". She didn't say she'd come any time soon. At 10pm I repeated the question about her going home. She finally answered it, and asked me if I were to visit my parents this weekend. I said I would, though I was thinking about tomorrow, since earlier this week I'd read that water pipes in our yard (riser blocks of flats) would be replaced during October 21-23 and I absolutely had to be at home that time.

In the evening mom called. We talked for 25 minutes straight. I asked her about her health and she said she'd had some awful accident with one of her fingers. I asked her for the Nth time to go to Sochi. "Why don't you go to Crimea too?", mom replied. "I don't want to go without Maria", I answered. "It's the same with me", mom said without specifying what the same actually was. We talked about Maria, our strange "relationships" and mom told me to keep looking for other options.

Everyone around me is against her, even Ars. Maria herself is not really into our relationships. I'm the only one who wants her back despite everything. That's utterly depressing.

Today I paid close attention to three papillomas on my back. I've always thought there was something wrong there and today I finally examined myself. Hopefully they are not malignant. I still want to go to a surgeon.